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Does Bipolar cause all this?

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Posted 3/1/2012 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
My wife was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 2 years ago.  It seems like we have tried every medicine in the book.  Her doctor rapidly changes the medicines, sometimes on a weekly basis.  I cant help but wonder sometimes if she had a little bit of depression after the birth of our second son and after countless depression medicine, finally they called it bipolar.  We've have been through everything it seems like.  From ex boyfriends coming into our lives, to the use of drugs and the latest a cross country trip were she got pregnant by a man she hardly new  a littl over a week.  Over the past 2 years she is a constant yo yo of feelings from "she knows God sent me to her and she loves me with all her heart"  to the complete opposite to " she hates me and never wanted to marry me from the start."  She has been physically abusive and mentally.  Everything seems to be completely my fault one minute and the next she telling me how she doesn't deserve me and she wishes she would just fall asleep and never wake up.  I have stood by her side through every bit of this.  Even after this summer when she filed for divorce, I never wanted that.  I love her still with all my heart, but when do you finally thinking about life in the future.  Will it ever get better or is she not bipolar and all this is just the behavior of an unhappy wife wanting out of a marriage so she can go back to reckless sex and drugs.  I don't know.  Even if you take me out of the equation she can't handle my children for long extended periods at a time before she is curled up in the bed thrashing and crying.  We've been impatient twice in just this year.  As of the last couple of weeks she has been doing a lot better and her tolerance has been great, but then last night I find her texting and talking to the man that lives acrosss the country and got her pregnant this past summer.   It really affected me and I try not to be confrontational but even when I'm thinking she is doing better this happens.  My trust in her has been destroyed for years with the other men she brought into our life.  I just don't know anymore what to do.  If it is trully a sickness she has then regardless of it makes me feel like I want to stay by her side, but sometimes I really struggle with the feelings of whether this disease can really cause all this or if I should finally throw in the towell.  Someone please make some sense of all this or give me advice as to what I should do.
Posted 3/1/2012 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
I left out a few things. This is really taken a toll on me. I'm not being treated for depression. Celexa. Never thought I would need meds. though I would be able to handle my wifes condition through faith alone. But my work was lacking so I talked to doctor about needing something so my mind what stop thinking about my home situation so much and i could focus at my job more. so he suggested meds. really though the meds were working but now I think i was feeling better because she was doing better. but after last night I am right back at it again today. Cant quit dwelling on it so I think Im just going to go back to the way things were and quit the celexa. It hasn't done squat for me.
Posted 3/1/2012 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
I would be seriously thinking this relationship over. If she is texting the man that got her pregnant, this may mean she wants him in her life. I am not sure though. It sounds like she is going to continue with her behavior, and unless she gets some serious help, you could be in for a rough ride.

If you love her enough to see her through this, more power to you. But I would get into some type of counseling to help you through. Are you sure this is the type of person you want to spend your life with?

I wish you the best.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/2/2012 3:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi There T&T,
First of all I'd like to welcome you to HW. This is a great place for advice or just to talk or vent!! :-) I do it all the time. Anyway's, it sounds to me as if you need to start taking care of yourself. Time to move on. Not only for you , but also for your children. Your life with her has no purpose. You have stuck by her and she repays you with nothing but painful actions. I know that you love her deeply, but you have to love yourself first. I will keep you both in my prayers.
Blessings, Michelle
Posted 3/2/2012 11:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the comments. I do love her deeply and I do want to see her through this, but I'm not sure I want to see her through this as a husband anymore. I'm am going to conselor Wednesday. Maybe she can give me some advice as well. Seems like most everyone's advice is to leave and take care of me. I hate the idea of giving up when I know there still might be the possibility things could get better and one day I could have my life back with her. One of my biggest fears is I leave and she goes off the deep end and stays on drugs or worst of all I have to explain to my kids why mommy is dead.
Posted 3/2/2012 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
Even with the best medications and the best therapies the bottom line is that a person is not going to get better unless they really want to get better.

I am not saying that the battle against any kind of mental illness is easy. All I am saying is that the desire to get better is where it begins and ends. The rest of it are tools or weapons in that fight.

At this point my advice really echoes what you have already been told. You need to look out for you and more importantly your children. Based on what you have said you are the one who needs to be there for them, and while I understand your concerns about what will happen to your wife and one day maybe having to tell them why their mother is no longer on this earth what are you going to tell them about why their mother is mean and abusive to them? Even though she may not be that way now I really am concerned she may become that way as the kids get older and/or when she no longer chooses you as the object of her abuse.

As things stand I really think you should do what is right for you and the kids and then if by some chance she does come around in the future, gets the help she truly needs, and really works hard at getting well then you can see about having a relationship with her if that is your wish at that time.
Posted 3/2/2012 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi T&T,

I think most importantly you need to take care of yourself. Please don't stay in an abusive relationship. I know that leaving can be hard sometimes but you need to stay positive.

Maybe you should try getting some counseling.
HealingWell is a very nice place to talk as well.

Hope you feel better soon!
Posted 3/2/2012 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Well we have not really spoke in days now. She is mad at me for how I found out. I don't feel good about the fact that I check her phone, but if I didn't I wouldn't know what she was up too. How do you tell someone that your so ashamed of what you did and that u know how deeply you hurt them and turn around within 24 hours and be texting and talking to the very person you hurt me with. When we got together again after this summer that was one of things agreed upon. He wasn't to be involved in out lives and she was to stay truthful to me. I was suppose to stop going through her things. There is just no trust anymore.
Posted 3/2/2012 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
Without trust, you can't make a relationship work. Sounds like you need to think this through and see if it is really worth the effort. It takes two to tango. You need to be able to have trust or else you might as well throw it out the window. I hope she changes so you can have good relationship. I think you both need counseling.

Keep posting, it is good to get things out and get some objective perspective from the other members.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/2/2012 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
In defense of bipolar patients, I might add that not all bipolar patients have such lack of control in sexual matters and indiscriminate behavioral characteristics. In fact, some may have, as many do, an overly severe conscience and many have strong religious beliefs (some of which may be part of the illness).

I have heard bipolar illness referred to as "another animal", but the truth is not in statements of that kind.

There is a broad spectrum of symptoms in bipolar illness just as there are in depression and many other illnesses. Some have mild cases; others, very severe conditions.  The one discussed here is on the severe end of the illness, in my view.

And, in my view, the members of the Depression Forum are correct in suggesting that you consider leaving such a relationship.  As Tortoise suggested on the Bipolar Forum, it's a decision, however, that you will need to make.  You cannot change her unless she is willing to accept it and work toward recovery of moral standards and rational behavior. One of the most difficult things in life is to accept that fact that we cannot change other people.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 3/2/2012 8:54:00 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 3/2/2012 7:31 PM (GMT 0)
She goes to conseling and to the doc regular. But she has this fear that either me or the doctor will try and take the children from her and I think that's what stops her from really putting it all out there and trully getting some help. One thing that might help is the conselor I'm going to see Wednesday is her conselor as well. I plan on putting everything out there. Really trying to see if she can help me and maybe somehow it will help her in my wife's sessions.
Posted 3/2/2012 7:49 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like a plan T&T,

Though remember whatever is said to her by you or your wife is in confidence. I hope that your wife realizes that nobody is wanting to take the kids away from her. That is a huge fear. Reassure her that that is not the case.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/3/2012 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi T&T,
I'm glad that you are seeking counseling for yourself. Reading your posts, I know how very difficult this is for you. It's a very hard way for you and your kids to have to live. I agree with Jim, She will only get better if she wants to get better.
In the mean time I think that it is important for you to take care of you and your kids. I hate to say it, but I'm going to anyway... Maybe if she REALLY feels like she is going to lose her kids,well, maybe then she will wake up and seek the help that she needs.
It is all very sad for me to know what you must be going through. My best friend was in the same situation several years ago and it still makes me want to cry. Things did work out and she got the much needed help that she needed. She is now, believe it or not, a county sheriff and still has her kids. It was only when she REALLY thought that she would never see them again that she took the steps to heal. Your family will remain in my prayers. I hope that things work out for you!! Keep us posted...
Blessings, Michelle
Posted 3/3/2012 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
We've done this already. Seperated. She moved in with her mom while she was pregnant until she had an abortion. We both had attorneys and it did sink in she was going to loose kids. But it just starts right back again. I know taking care of yourself is important. But I feel like its a crutch she uses to push me out. I feel like she is the most selfish person on earth. I believe you experience happiness through giving and bring joy to others. At least that is me. Nothing makes me happy to see joy on someone else's face.
Posted 3/3/2012 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
T&T,

She does sound very selfish. You are a good person. Finding joy in seeing others happy is a good quality.

It is so hard to watch somebody who does not care. You may have to make some decisions as to what is right for the children. Keep them first.

Know that we all care about you here.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/3/2012 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
You know what's really hard. Just staying focused on what's important. I love my kids with all my heart, but it is hard for me to stay focused on them and spending that real quality time with them because my mind is always thinking of her. It's crazy. Use to not have this problem.
Posted 3/3/2012 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Keep loving your children. You can't go wrong with that. It will guide you through this. Keep trying to focus. I don't know that she is worth so much attention on your part. Let her start trying. She has to do this, not you. You are a good person, keep it that way. Think of the kids first and foremost.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/7/2012 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi T&T,

I just want to start of by saying I think you're a saint for staying with your wife after what she has done.

In my opinion, I think very severe bipolar can cause extreme irrational and impulsive decisions. My biological mother has severe bipolar disorder and I was an accident. Although she was dating my bio father at the time, she was not faithful to him and could barely take care of me.

This may sound awful but I really don't believe that my biological mother would have ever been able to marry someone and stay faithful, stay on her medication and raise a family. It just wouldn't have worked out.

I have a mixture of emotions towards my biological mother for many reasons. Sometimes I feel that I despise her for being unable to give me up when I was a baby. I was in foster care for SIX YEARS until she finally let me go and signed the papers to put me up for adoption. Other times, I feel bad for her and I just hope that she is doing ok wherever she is....

Long story short, some people with bipolar disorder have it so bad that it is utterly disabling and they are unable to function properly and make rational choices. I am pretty sure that my bio mother had complete lack of control in sexual matters and had very impulsive, childlike behavior.

I agree with Jim1969 in that the person cannot get better unless they want to get better. And sometimes, even if they want to, it may not be possible.

I think you are a very strong person and I hope that your wife gets better and everything works out for the best.

take care,
lovers spit
Posted 3/8/2012 10:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lover Spit,

I'm sorry you have experienced this and I thank you for the comments. I had my first conselor session today and it did feel good to talk. She asked me some pretty good questions. " if I asked your wife if she was in love with you what would she say". My response was no. The big question "why are you still with her". My respose, I could only think of at the time was I love her and she also told me I was letting her use the excuse of bipolar for all the hurtful things she has done and does do to me. I don't know. It's a lot to think about. I very honest with my wife and talked to her bout my session. She told me she was in love with me and was very effecttionate for the rest of the night. I've been her befor though. We will see.
Posted 3/8/2012 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
T&T,

I just wanted to say, that I hope that this all works out for you. I am glad that you started counseling. Sounds like a good counselor. Yay for you!!!

Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
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