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I don't think I can do this anymore...

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Posted 4/5/2012 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post, and I don't expect anyone to be able to help or anything... I guess I just need to vent.

Everything is wrong at the moment. I feel so terribly alone. I have been severely depressed for 5 years now, and it has destroyed everything I once was, and could be. I have tried countless medications, have seen about 4 different counsellors and 3 different psychiatrists - and nothing has helped me. I think the main problem I face is myself. It's like I sabotage my own recovery... every time I start to feel a little better - I feel overwhelmed with emotion and stop going to counselling and stop taking my medication. I wont let myself get better. Maybe I feel I don't deserve it, maybe I am so used to feeling depressed that I can't face feeling any different, or maybe I just don't have it in me to get better. Whatever it is - I can't fight it. I once read somewhere that you can't get better unless you really truly want to... and the truth is... I don't think I do. My counsellor and psychiatrist that I was seeing are no longer willing to see me as I keep relapsing at my own will. They can't help me, and it was the same story with all the other doctors I saw. I feel so utterly alone and desperate at the moment. I feel like I have been sentenced to face this awful emptiness each and every day until I can finally die. People will tell me to think of those who love me, and I do. They are the only reason I am still here. But everyone is getting so upset because I keep relapsing and I am hurting them more by doing this to myself... It isn't fair on them.

I don't really know what kind of reply I'm expecting... in fact I'm not expecting any reply. I just wanted to vent I suppose. Sorry for being so darn miserable! I hope you are all doing well.
Posted 4/5/2012 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
For what its worth, based on what you posted, I have to agree with you. Some part of you is not wanting you to get better.

Like you I can not really say what the reason or reasons are for sure. It is quite possible there is more than one thing behind. I do know that it is not uncommon for people with chronic illnesses to "become the illness" so to speak. The condition becomes part of them. It becomes a big part of who they are, at least to themselves and when faced with a "cure" they end up feeling like they are losing part of themselves.

As things go right now I think your best bet is to explore why you keep "sabotaging" your own treatment. Forget for the time being trying to treat the depression or at least back of somewhat and focus on the whys. Maybe you can find a counselor to work with you on this, if not there are books available that might be able to help you sort it out.

Hopefully you will soon find your answers and be able to deal with them and then you will be truly ready to win your depression battles.
Posted 4/5/2012 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
You know the answer, and that is to stay on your medication. Some people do this to sabotage themselves. Some do it for attention. I don't know your reason. I am glad you felt safe enough to vent. That makes me feel that the forum is a good place. Reinforces what I already know.

Though the advice we give, you already know. It is up to you to get well, you know that. Know we are here beside you...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/6/2012 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
Taraturtle, I'm too broken to fix anyone else, but I can tell you that you're not alone. I can relate to your situation in a way because I am trying to identify what means a lot to me in this world (and beyond). I figured out that the things I valued in life turned out to be worthless so I've tried to step back and aim for something else. I wish you peace.
Posted 6/1/2012 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
Perhaps not a bug, but when asking for the percent difference between two numbers it actually gives percent change.
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