Hi all. I havnt posted in awhile so thought I should check in. It's been like a huge rollercoaster here. It's been really hard learning to deal with not only my depression but the PTSD flashbacks as well. The flashbacks went on almost daily for a week or so but then as I began to understand the triggers I had almost a full 5 days without one. That was so nice but unfortunately was short lived. I had a very debilitating flashback this weekend. It that was like all of them combined into one.
Im really struggling the past couple days with moods. Feel like Im on a pendulum (sp?) swinging at high speeds! Just yesterday, I went from feeling ok and functioning where I could do my job, to outright fear of anything moving behind me, to fighting tears that threatened to fall at the drop off a hat, back to being ok for a little bit, (mind you this is all between just 8:30a and noon so far...) Most of the afternoon mood is ok, maybe semi-happy.. after work (3:30p) Im happy having a blast playin with my supervisor's kid while waiting for her to get ready to leave.. get home and it all crashes.. I fall into complete anger and rage I have yet to figure over what This lasted for a few hours before it fell into blubbering like a baby.
I know without my meds it is worse but I need a new med dr. I do not trust the one I currently have. When he found out the dx bipolar and OCD were added to my growing list, there was not even a discussion on whether or not meds should change. I am supposed to be on citalopram and abilify. Both make me extremely groggy to where all I can do is fight to stay awake during the day Ive been off meds for about 2 months now except for the citalopram I started to reintroduce it 2 weeks ago but gotta get back into the habit of taking it everyday again.
On top of everything Ive had to deal with my sperm donor (a dad would/should never say this to their kid.. you would think at least..) First I was told he hated me and after a few days I asked why and he said "I don't hate you! That requires more emotion and energy that isn't worth wasting
on a low life person like you!! One day the true side of you will come out and
everyone will hate you. I can't wait for that day!"
Now on to work I must go, pretending everything is fine and that Im happy Looks like I will be late again but had to get this off my chest before I exploded today. It looks like it's going to be another rapid cycle today! Cried most of the time while typing and angry with myself for not getting dressed and out the door on time so I wouldnt be late again Help!
(One thing I can look forward to though is DBT after work)