bad day

I went out for a friend's birthday last night and was surrounded by really nice people who are all very successful and are all getting big promotions or buying houses.  One of them is even starting her own dental practice and she's only 26.  This is especially hard for me to deal with because my dream was always to become a dentist.  I know I'm just as smart and just as ambitious as the rest of them, but since I've been depressed pretty much my entire life it's been pretty debilitating and I just can't make myself do anything.  I dropped out of college, I've been unemployed for awhile now, and I live with my parents.  I can only imagine what they must think of me.  None of them have any idea that I've been battling this for so long and I worry that they think I'm lazy or a loser and wonder why I'm part of the group.  I wonder about this myself and I don't understand what any of them could like about me.  When I got home last night I just couldn't stop crying because I felt so bad about myself.  My mom asked me why my eyes were so puffy this morning and I told her that it must be allergies or something.  I've never talked about my problems with my parents before.  I don't want them to worry about me.  I don't know how long they'll let me stay here and I don't see how I can possibly take care of myself.  I'm really scared.

Hey Gretchen,

I have gone through and still go through from time to time the exact same thoughts that you do.  My friends all are very outgoing, wonderful people who are all in serious relationships. Often times when I have been in deep despairs of depression I have wondered why they have stood by my side --- well because that is what true friends do. Anyway,they are getting closer to making that step to marriage.  And then there is me who is much farther behind on the relationship scene.  I spent a lot of time wondering why can't I be where everyone else is and sooner or later I am going to be left on my own (have some abandonment issues) and then where will I be. 

Well there is something different between my friends and I.  They don't have this darn condition depression that makes life a challenge for me.  We know we aren't lazy.  We know that we are intelligent.  We know that we are kind people but we have to be willing to accept the realities of our condition when it hits.  I hope that I will one day be able to accept my reality fully for now there are days I do okay and days that I am plain pissed off about it.

I am 32 Gretchen and am just starting to work on connections and having quality relationships with people- you don't think I feel that I am starting in the elementary phase when I should be in the college phase of relationships --- I guess its time to throw the shoulds out and not worry what others think.  How else will we move forward. 

Its one step at a time.  Are you taking any meds or talking to a counselor?  I am doing both and they have been very effective for me.  Still have a lot of work to do but have made some progress.  Good Luck and hang in there.

 

Hi Rosey and Cloudy.

I've seen a couple different therapists in the past and never felt comfortable talking about my problems with anyone. I always just ended up crying the whole time and wouldn't bring up the things I really needed to talk about. I think I was too ashamed/embarassed to bring these things up. I would consider counseling again, but I don't have insurance and can't afford it right now. Same goes with medication. I've never tried any and I'm trying to avoid it if at all possible because of all the side effects (I also have a few friends who are doctors and pharmacists). For now, this site is really my only option. I don't post very often, but I log in every day. It helps a lot to see that other people are going through the same stuff and that I can just vent here and everyone will be supportive. I haven't felt as alone since I found this site.

Ditto to what Rosie said. I didn't think I needed any help dealing with a chronic disease until recently. I then realized I have been suffering from depression for years and not only need professional help, but the anti-d meds make a world of difference in how I face life's challenges. Talking to others, professionals, friends, and HW family helps too. Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going.

Hello all and Gretchen,

I was just checking up on how things were going these days. I hope much better.

I on the other hand am having a rough week.  I have been angry and irritated and those emotions I am not comfortable with AT ALL and those are the hardest ones for me to deal with when it comes to therapy.  Its crazy that you can feell angry and sad at the same time.

I can understand the financial side of therapy because I am feeling the tightness of my budget the last couple of months however I keep going because I have to hang on to some type of hope or way out and that is the solution for me.  Yes meds are necessary to but in regards to peace of mind its therapy.

I'm feeling a bit stuck in therapy.... but its me I have an experience that needs to be expressed but I have been supressing them because I am not sure I can go through all that emotion again.  Can anyone relate to this any suggestions???? 

Cloudy,

Getting those emotions out (into the light) will help you to move on. Suppressing them feels better 'temporarily'. If you can't speak it . . . writght it down. Then you will have time to choose your words and get it out the way you want to (and need to). Bring that paper to counseling and give it to the therapist. Immediately, it should be easier to talk about it. BTW: Hasn't that bad experience robbed you of enough already . . . don't let it continue to rob you of your joy.

Let us know how things go. ((((((Cloudy)))))

Blessings!

Cloudy,

It IS scary! But, you will have helped yourself sis! Glad you are taking another step. It has been said on this board many times, "there is only one way to eat an elephant . . . one bite at a time" Well, you will be doing yourself a big favor when you take the next step toward getting this 'thing' out in the open where it will eventually have less power over you.

If you feel up to it, post and let us know how your session goes today. So glad you kept your appointment!

Blessings!

Cloudy, I am like that too. There is the me that everyone sees and the me that is inside (which used to be hurting). We just can't keep everything inside. . . it turns on us eventually and I've found it is just better to deal with each hurt, loss, or screwup right when it happens.

YOU DID GOOD Cloudy!!! I'm so proud of you! Getting out that junk is so hard . . . but you are working with a professional and he/she should be able to help you cross this bridge.

And you are very welcome. I have received a lot of help at HealingWell and I sure enjoy helping others. Glad I was here for you. Keep posting. You are helping others, just by being open enough to post!

Blessings!