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I don't want to live anymore

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Posted 6/2/2012 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't remember the last time I have been happy. I am 26 with a child. Was in a physically abusive relationship with his dad for seven years. I've been out of that for almost three years. I moved back home with my mom. Went back to college. But my mom is miserable. tells me me how much I owe her and how I ruined our family. My family all thinks I'm garbage as I get treated like it. My self esteem Is destroyed, my confidence. I get financially raped by my mom. But I don't help out enough. I do nothing for nobody. My family don't like me. the years of all the stuff the had said to me has made me believe it to true. I got a decent job where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel by being able to get my own place but I can't save because she needs bills paid. She watches my son for me, I owe her. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't feel good enough for anything. I don't like going out because I feel like the ugliest thing alive and feel like everyone is better than me and just feel like people look at me and see trash, which is what I vebeen called by my family. I have no one who truly loves me and cares for me. I feel like the world is against me. I will never get out of this. I have a boyfriend but I really don't think he will understand, so I try to act somewhat normal around him. I am just so miserable. I'm tired all the time. I have horrible mood swings. I just don't want to live anymore.
Posted 6/3/2012 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, I think you have done yourself some good by typing this post and talking about your situation. And I can assure you there are pleny of people here that can relate to how you're feeiling. For me, coming here gives me a small measure of relief in knowing that there are other people who are suffering as I am. And just knowing that people here are willing to offer support and words of encourgement make it very worthwhile. When it comes to self-esteem I'm like you in many ways. I have a hard time feeling "good enough", but to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure how good that really is. I keep telling myself to just do the best I can for others while still trying to be kind to myself. It doesn't always work out, but I keep trying.

I'm hoping you will find peace and better days ahead!
Posted 6/3/2012 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Slope,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I can see you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. But you really got to try and get out of that house. As long as you depend on them to do things for you, you are going to feel like you owe them, or her. Do you go to any counseling? Do you see a doctor? I think that you should see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling right now. Then talk about counseling. I think you could use some to get your self esteem back. You have a little work in front of you. I would start secretly saving to move out. A few dollars here and there, and don't spend any of it. Before you know it, you will have enough money to move. You have to find a day care. Many of them go by your income. Or you could get some financial help from social services. There are programs that you may fall under for help with this. I really want to see you move out. And I think you have the ability to do so. You can't continue to live your life feeling like you owe your mother everything. You don't... You can be greatful, but you don't have to pay her fcr every little thing that she does for you. Does she pay you for everything that you do??? I think she is taking advantage of you and making you feel trapped. Please talk to your doctor and get the ball rolling. You need support right now.

Take care and keep posting...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/3/2012 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replies.
I do think the first step is m getting out of that house. It just seems like its going to be really hard. I had about 5000 saved up but I took out a loan for her three years ago that she never paid so they went to take me to court so I ended up having to pay 4300 a few months ago. I paid her 1400 a few months ago and then 600 and for may I had to give her eight hundred. I thought parents are supposed tl be supportive? I understand I had a child young but I atleast thought she would want me to do better. I am two classes away from my associates degree, I don't feel as though its an accomplishment however I will be the first in my family with some type of degree. My insurance will kick in about two weeks. I plan on seeing a therapist or something andvi would like to get CBT to change my thought process. I perceive things so differently from other people. Eh, I guess omen day at a time
Posted 6/3/2012 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
I am so happy to read that you are going to see a therapist. It will really help you. They can help you reach your goal of moving out and on. As much money as you are paying your mother, you could be living on your own. I take it you are working and going to school... It sounds like you got a lot on your plate right now. I am willing to bet that after seeing a therapist and getting your life in order, within a year you will be out on your own. Don't give up hope Slope, you will get there.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/3/2012 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
I also think it's great that your going to a therapist. You have 2 classes until you can graduate, that's just one more semster,
do that then try and apply for a better job so that you can take your child and move out. on that loan make a list of payments you've made
and when you've paid it all back have your mom sign the paper paid in full and then your nightmare will be for the most part over, so
you do really have a lot to look forward to from life and you will acheive this freedom..You are a worthy person almost
ready to start a better part of your life and that is something to look forward to, maybe look into finding another job in a different State
so you can make a clean break but make sure to pay your payments and have her sign saying paid in full. When we moved away my daughter was young, and a church helped us out maybe look and see if a church can help you out after you've moved...there is also a women program
called women's infant children, here in the USA and they can help provide you with bread, milk, cheese but it'll depend on
your income...find a church and look into help, many well wishes you have a bright future ahead, keep positive, wow just 2 classes that's a great goal almost done, way to go...
Posted 6/4/2012 6:33 AM (GMT 0)
It sounds like your mother is the one with the problem. She is being mean to you. She wants to control you and is doing it by berating and attacking you. It sounds like she is demanding the money to make sure she can keep control. I have such a mother and I no longer communicate with her. You are stuck right now and I know it's hard to stick up for yourself with her as she just ups the crazy behavior.

You've received a lot of good advice above. There are other social agencies, many through your local United Way or other social agencies that help single mothers obtain reasonable housing and even help with the furnishings. There are also some that help with rental deposits and utilities. There are usually good free counselling for abused women. You have left one abuser, your Ex for another, your mother.

It might be hard to contact these people but they are there wanting to help you find housing and day care. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you got out from under her roof and could quit talking to her. Who knows what she says to your child about you and if she is even treating your child correctly. She could be verbally abusive there too. Your baby needs you, you got away from the male abuser now it's time to dump mom.

It is normal for you to be depressed by your situation. Besides counseling you might also need to take an antidepressant.

Take care, things will get better!
Posted 11/9/2013 6:47 PM (GMT 0)
I can totally understand your situation.   I am dealing with severe depression and anxiety.   When my alarm clock goes off in the morning its the start of my living hell.   I feel so trapped.   Part of me would love to take my life but the other part knows the pain it would cause to my kids.   I just don't know how to keep moving forward.  I am in sales and I literally stare at the phone with no interest in making a call.  My anxiety has me shaking in meetings and now I stopped going to them. My draw with the company is going to end in January but I am so depressed and have so much anxiety that I can't interview.   I am at the end of my rope - struggling to get through each day with only thoughts of doom and gloom. I feel so pathetic being this way and feel I should man up but I can't.    My meds are not doing anything for me and I was just put on lamictal which will take 6 weeks to work.   I can't live like this - if anyone has any thoughts that could help me it would be appreciated.
Posted 11/9/2013 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
Sit your mom down and make a budget! Tell her that you want to physically see the bills. Then tell her that you will pay half and no more. You can get assistance for child care because you are a single parent attending classes. Buy groceries for you and your child only. It's time to not depend on mom. If she wants to be miserable then she can be miserable on her own. This should allow you more freedom and the ability to save money. Is your ex paying child support? If not go to child support enforcement and get that going.

Therapy, therapy, therapy!! You need to learn healthy thoughts and healthy coping mechanisms. I know how it sucks when your family isn't supportive (my family has never been). They want you to feel guilty so they don't have to. That's on them. I live my life by one strategy. I do the best I can and I work hard to be a good person. It's simple, I am not going to worry myself over selfish people.
Posted 11/9/2013 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with previous posts that typing out your feelings here is a GREAT first step to taking control of your life!
I hope you are able to come to an agreement with your mother. We've all made mistakes, it's a shame she can't seem to forgive you yours.
You've come a long way going to school, working, saving money (even if you did have to spend it, it was THERE ) and raising a child ! I wish the best for you and will keep you in my prayers ((HUGS)))
MF
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