New here.....

This is my first time here, and I have a friend to thank for showing this forum to me. Im not sure what to do, but I will introduce myself.

 

Im a 32 year old male. From the age of 2 months til I was 15, I was abused by poth parents. The abuse ranged from being cut with knifes, to being burned, to starvation, and even emotional abuse.

Both parents are long passed away, yet deep inside I still suffer from their anger and hatred towards me. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19, and havent been to a doctor since. I dont know why I cant let go what they did do me so long ago. I do know is that I cant stand being me lately. I get sick when I see myself in a mirror. Sometimes I feel like there are two people inside me, one struggling to live while the other, strives to die. Often I lay in bed, crying because I dont think I can face the world the next day. Anyways, just just a lil bit about me to get started, not sure if this was a good idea, but I will try it.

Thank you General Chaos & effie. As for getting mad, I dont know how ( as stupid as that sounds ). As for your question, why wasnt anyone there to help me. I was born in Georgia, Savannah. When I was 2, my mother left my father because she had a little girl.....my sister. The abuse started with my father, when I was 2 months old. He would get angry when I would cry. His solution was covering my mouth & nose, or holding me underwater. The older I got, the worse he got. It was almost like he hated me for being born. By the time my mother took my sister and I to Kentucky, he was slapping me and punching me. Once here, the abuse started with my mother. I dont know if she blamed me for them splitting up or what. But The earliest age I remember her abusing me was when I was 7 years old. She took my hand and placed it on a stove burner, for pushing my sister down. As time passed she grew worse than my father possibly ever could. She would often ground me for misbehaven, and grounding from her was being locked in a closet for 2 days without food, water, or use of a bathroom. Someone once asked me, do I hate my sister, or resent the fact that she was never abused. A small part of me does, but a greater part of me is happy she didnt go through what I did. The rest of my family knew what was going on, but did nothing to stop it. My grandfather often covered up for my mothers abuse, by telling others I get into fights, or dont watch what i'm doing. My aunt & Uncle never said anything, because they never did like me. When I was diagnosed with depression I was 19 years old, and at JobCorps ( a program that helps kids learn a trade ). My doctor told me that I really need to follow through with the medicine, which was prozac, and talking to someone. I got so scared, I was affriad I was crazy and get locked up. So I never went back, and never took the meds. My first suicide attemp, first of several was when I was 22, the year my mother passed away. When she was ill, she told me everything that they did to me. I guess it was her way of confessing her sins. Some of the things that she told me, I didnt remember. She told me when I was 13 I had spilt some sugar on the kitchen floor, and when she walked in and saw the mess she made me take my shirt of. I was told to lay face down in the sugar, while she took a butcher knife and cut my back 13 times. I do not remember that happening, but she told me that she remembered me begging her to stop. Sometimes I see them as monsters for what they did to me, but for some reason I feel guilty for thinking that. I now have a daughter, who is nine. That was the day I dreaed the most, finding out im going to be a father. I was so scared that I would be like my father, and I didnt want that, and part of me didnt want her. But that soon changed when I held her at birth. She didnt cry, but she just laid there in my arms and looked at me. That was the first day I think my heart started to beat. I swore I would never let anyone hurt her. Not even spankings, because I was affriad I would spank her, and hit her too hard or not stop. Im very over protective of my daughter, and my ex in-laws know this. The only incident I ever had concerning my daughter, was when my ex-wifes boyfriend jerked her by her arm, and slapped her face for touching a tool of his. I didnt find out for 4 days, and once I did it was a sealed deal. When I got to their house, he was working on his car. I grabbed him, and threw him face first into the tail gate of his work truck. By the time the cops got there, I had already fractured his jaw, broken both wrist, and 4 ribs. I became my father, but I accepted that role for that moment, because all I saw was a grown man who slapped the only person that will ever truely mattered to me. I didnt go to jail luckily, only cause the cops that came knew me from school, and once they found out the reason of my actions, understood. I may have over reacted by causing him so much pain, but I couldnt stop hitting him. That was 5 years ago, and Nothing else like thats happened since. The way I feel about myself now.......I cant stand being me. I hate myself so much and sometimes I wish I wasnt alive. Maybe I am crazy I dont know. But im still scared of seeing a therapist. I dont want pitty for what I went through, or for people to feel sorry for me. All i want is to wake up, and put a day behind me without crying, or trying to hurt myself, so I can be the best father I can. I have to go now, bye...

I live in Kentucky, USA.

 Hi, Whisper,

The first thing you should have done you did. You came to this group. That is a big step. You opened up and told us about your very secret things in your life. I say this all the time but the beauty of this group is there are no faces, just names. I like that. You will be comfortable here. The members will console you and be there for you.

 

You have been through a lot. If you are 32, you have delt with this for a lot of years. The first thing you must do is STOP blaming yourself. Easier said than done? Thats probably what 75% of us said. In thinking this, is admitting that we know we have been hurt or abused. Some of us have, but in very different ways.

Now that you made the conseience effort to come to this site and tell us your deepest feelings, you can get the support you need and hopefully get some answers. We can't tell you why this happened but we can help you "shift" the blame off yourself to where it belongs. Actually, I wouldn't even go there. It's in the past and it's over. It's behind you. You can't get it back nor do you want to. You have a life now and should focus on it. Live one day at a time like it was your last. If it makes you feel better, forgive yourself. God knows I have done that one too many times. Some of us are fortunate and were born into good families, even though we have issues. Depression is a very real illness and usually comes with one or two other illnesses. After all, something is making us depressed or someone. Say to yourself that you have a total new life now. Start tomorrow with a new attitude. Look into the mirror and tell yourself that YOU are important and YOU are loved and YOU did nothing wrong. You will be looking at the solution. You can solve this problem by letting go of the abuse. It's physically gone and now perhaps you can begin to heal. Unlike other groups, this one will not condem or chastize you. I have been on some doozy sites and believe me, I RAN off of them. They did more harm than good. You will find love, solace, comfort, support, consideration and most of all, no judgeing. You can be you. Remember, no faces, just names.

I will begin to pray for you that you can start to heal. Remember, only 1 day at a time. When I wake up in the AM and I am lucky to be able to get out of bed, I tell the Lord "Thank you" for allowing me another day on this earth. When I go to bed at night, I thank Him again for yet another day behind me and it starts all over again the next day. Without Him, I am nothing. I am an empty shell. But, that's me. Perhaps not all think this way but there is a lot of spirituality here. Lets put it this way. I was really bad off before I found the Lord and now I am coping. What does that tell you? It's going to take time, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You are loved here. I look forward to your growth.

Hugs

"Lefty"  

Whisper,

I just ache for you. CheerDad (Randy) gave a beautiful illustration. I want to welcome you to the forum and let you know that you are in my prayers. I pray that you will find a counselor who can help you to regurgitate all the poison in your body, to mourn for the childhood you were robbed of, and to allow healing to begin.

By taking prescribed medication, your brain will be given the balance to receive and give information without distortion. Whith your traumatic upbringing your brain has been robbed of necessary chemicals. The medicine just stops those chemicals from exiting our body so quickly. They are not are not a quick fix, they are not 'happy pill' and you don't get high on them. You will still need help to get beyond the horror of your childhood. You have been robbed of enough. Don't allow yourself to live in the cess pool of your memories. There is a way to work past that pain and put it to rest. You will always have the memory of the pain . . . but you don't need to drag the pain through the rest of your life.

I'm so glad you found us and trust us enough to share such difficult memories with us.

You have made a gigantic step here. Please do allow your doctor to prescribe anti-depressant and do see a thereapist about managing your burnden of memories.

You are in my prayers friend.

Blessings!

I feel wierd about all of this. I looked back on the things i've posted, and I have shared here with you all, than anyone in real life.
CheerDad, thats how I truely feel, but I dont think I can control who wins or looses. Most days I hope death wins. Not because I want to die, but because I feel I dont deserve to live.Yes I blame myself for what my parents did to me. Its hard when you hear how you mess things up so badly, so many times in alot of years. I still have nightmares of them.
Seeing all of you, saying the things you say also makes me feel weird, because i've never heard them before from anyone. I dont let people get close to me, so if it take time for me to come around, understand that everyone in my life has hurt me in one way or another. But when my thoughts go from imagining my daughter getting married and being happy, to wanting to cut myself.....its hard not to think im crazy. Maybe pills are needed, but with me I always feel im a lost cause. I always down myself....

After my posting lastnight, I layed in bed taking in what everyone has said to me over the last few days. How does one go from being abused, to becoming a survivor and detroying the only thing that protects them......the walls they built over many years. Some have said they see the good in me, but how can I let that show, when I myself dont see it. Why cant I see that in myself? Do I refuse, Is it really in me? I honestly dont have answers. I once wrote "Into dreams we persue our lives, and into reality we persue our dreams". I have several dreams. One is to be better and to be with my daughter and to watch her grow. One is to fade away and never bee seem again. And as odd as it sounds, one is to see my mother again, and hug her and tell her I love her, and to apologize for ruining her life. I know you all tell me it wasnt my fault, but since her death, ive been outcasted by my family. How can I be positive when all I have around me is negativity??????? How can I change, and stay that way when the bubble around me stays the same?

Hey Frankie!!! Nice to put a name with your posts. (Although I really do like your nicknmae too.)

Blessings!

Frankie hunny, all of these people make good points. I have known you for years now, and I am very lucky for that. I'm also very lucky to have seen the soft side of you, the loving, caring, sensual, strong side of you. You ARE a wonderful person, a true treasure. You have a very strong soul, a strong heart, and a very strong mind. I honestly believe you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. *I* care about *You*, *I* am and will always be here for *You*. Please know that you can come to me for anything, anytime. You are one of my dearest friends. Please let me inside, let me walk this path with or behind you, let me be here to catch you if you fall. I know and understand that you must walk it alone, but you are never truly alone. You are always in my version of prayers. Please don't push me away, don't block me out. I am ready and willing to help you, but you have to let me. One cannot help someone who will not allow themselves to be helped. Big hugs, darlin!


~A

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Frankie here are 2 links print this prayer out and use it daily Hang it all over the house keep a copy in the car.

http://www.twyford-berkshire.co.uk/churches/serenity.htm
http://open-mind.org/Serenity.htm

I will never know the pain you went through but, I did get my share as a kid to the point when I was 12 my mom kicked my dad out and they got divorced on Aug 26th 1983 I was just about 13 and I always felt like daddy's girl.. Then he was gone hardly saw him growing up and as an adult I may be able to count it on both hands.

Then my mom started in on me as much as I tryed I felt I was still failing. She worked alot and as I was tought growing up a woman knows her roles as a mother wife homemaker worker. I use to try and keep the house clean do dishes cook etc and do home work. But that was never enough. She use to say the divorce was my fault if I would have done everything they told me to they would have been together. BULL crap! I say that now but, not then.

See you have the worlds I did see but not as bad the physical abuse and the mental and emotional abuse.

Till I was 15 I put up with the abuses from my mom and sis dad was out of the pic he remarried buy the time I was 15. I ran away from home all the time till the judge got smart and kept me in a youth center that I never wanted to leave I sepent 2 1/2 years there and 6 mo in a foster home... At the time my hsbands sister was there and a few others I am still friends with. We all had our probs but, we all stuck together. We all had one thing in common PAIN and we would use a punching bag till our knuckles bled, punch holes in walls (then have to fix them) cut our selves etc. By the time i was 18 I was the most stable one in the bunch Had a job, money saved, and ready to get out on my own. I left high school the day before my 18th birthday and moved in with a guy and his parents. Big mistake his mother was an alcoholic BIG TIME. I had hard roads but never let a darn thing get me down if I lost a job I got another one. I learned alot by going to AA and NA meetings with friend to use the 12 step program for everything and the serenity prayer.

I blamed me like everyone else did then I told them when I was 18 to kiss my ass non of this was my fault I was a child you all where the adults.

I still held the pain in I had my walls up for years and years and still have them up when I need them

I have children 1 from a guy who took off when i was 2 mo preg he is going to be 11 now I became a man hater after that and did not date till my son was 10 mo old. His dad and I are now good friends but, it took years even after being married to let go and let God.

I got married to YOUR ONE AND ONLY GENERAL CHAOS in 1995 when my son was 1 year and 2 weeks old we had a child together he will be 9 june 1st. then April 30th 1999 became the night mare from hell a drunk driver crossed the yellow line she hit my car from the back of my drivers door to my bumper and kept going head on in to my husband who was behind me in the company truck. I saw it all. And you never know how many feelings go through you all at once when you go through that. anger, fear, pain anger, anger lose etc. I though I lost my husband that night no one moved I kept screaming his name and nothing felt like forever I could not move i was frozen in my place screaming. finally he moved and i ran to him he was a mess the truck was twisted mulch all over both the drunks care and his truck totally done for.

Now to put life back together what a joke this is. It just got worse he got worse and yes he did lose it over spilt milk we got him help counseling, meds anger management group etc. if it was not for that we would have been divorced.

I then desided to do for me what I needed to do and that was finish getting my GED and I did Right before I turned 30. class of 2000 I say.

Then on our 5th wedding anniversary our lives where going to change and we had no clue. On 11/11/2000 a miracle happened but we did not know that right away till 3 weeks later. I was preg and through the pregnacy every thing was great and I had the best pregnancy I ever could wish for any woman not being sick nothing. then on 8/4/01 the baby desided to hang out for 2 more days and we had no clue if it was a boy or girl it would not let us see that part. on 8/6/01 Nicole Elizabeth was born. the only girl in the family and she has brothers now she is going on 4 this year but her brother are now 16, 10, and 8. The day she was conceived was out wedding anniversary the day she was born was the day we started dating tell me what you see with this that this child was the one thing that was going save our marrage. the 2 important days for me and my husband are the days we will charish forever.


Charish your daughter she is why you are here talking to us your love for her is going to save your life and get you where you need to be.

I had a fight with my dad in sept 2004 about everything from when i grew up till the presant. we stopped talking to each other for a month and in that month he went down hill he had cancer for a year and was in chemo and radiation but he was on a 30 day break. on Nov 3rd I got a call from my sister in florida dad was in the hospital since oct 27th 4 days before my oldest turned 10 and we found out the day my mom turned 56 well the next 3 weeks was hell he was dying and I did not say I knew and he did not tell me he was. But you knew by looking at him he was done. I took my mom and my kids on my second visit. My mom was in pain you could see it. my son's and daughter just knew he was sick till later that day when i told the boys. then i tookmy daughter only cause the boys wanted to remeber the way he was the last time and all the before stuff I gave them that choice. my daughter went the next trip week 3 this would be her last time seeing him but she had her time with him and now I thank my self that i did that for her cause she knows him and when she sees pics she says my poppy and then says my poppy playing with my birds in heaven. may parents made the mistake of not letting me see my dad's mom when I was 5 before she passed and not to go to the funeral and I have never felt at peace with her death to this day.

anyway that eve I talked tomy dad and finally let him see my cry and I told him I loved him and that i forgave him for everything he and I went through when i was growing up till the presant and I told him it was time to go to his mother and his younger brother in heaven... He said it is ok baby doll I love you very much and held me. The next day was down hill and getting worse. my sister got a bed and all we needed to his apartment set up so i could get him home I did just what he wanted he wanted to see his fish and I set the bed up right ther next to the tank. I talked to him and kept saying i love youand that we where going to hang out and have food and watch tv. as we road in the ambulace 2 blocks to his home and as we got him in a chair to get him up to his apart ment. told him i would see him upstairs and as i left him I totally lost it then when he was back in his home i stopped cause my job was almost over.
the next day he passed at 2 pm I held his hand and told him to go that my sis and I and the whole family would be ok and then I called the time of death at 2 pm 5 min after the last breath his heart had stopped then I lost it then I was fine like a bunch of bricks where lifted off me. he was at peace and so was i. by 7:30 all had come to pay last respects and then they undertaker came I did not want to let go new it was the last time i would touch him hold him feel him see him he was being cremated.

I climed in his closet where i did when I was a kid where i felt safe and lost it as you hear the zipper close over him in the next room. then he was gone. and then everyone was gone but my husband. all i could do is start packing up stuff cause I knew I was the one moving it with my husband tomy home since my sis was in florida. the next morning i saw the bed and had to call to get it removed that it was killing me to have it there they said it would be the next day so i left for home and told my kids packed my clothes and my husbands and headed back that night. after the bed was gone I was at full peace with it all. i have his fish they are right next to my desk so i know he is with me.

I guess the key is to just forgive them and go on with your life for you. I did and I am glad i did. even thought they are gone tell them any way.

You made the right step coming here and I think I just did too. cause It still hurts bad that he is gone since Nov 22, 2004 6 days before the 29th anniversary of his mothers death. I will Miss him not matter what he did in the past cause He was my dad.

It may be harder for you cuse your case is worse then mine but you have to do it your strong and you have a daughter who will look up to you and love you and be there for you when you need her.

Sorry this is so long I guess I can say stuffing does not help you grow. you need to talk. we are here.

I ended yesterday feeling good. I had spoken with General Chaos & his wife Anna on msn and read what was posted for me. I went to bed around 12:30 a.m., and I was awake at 3:00 a.m. I couldnt sleep, so i got up and sat on the balcony all night thinking. By the time I had to go to work I wasnt feeling good. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, and when I looked in the mirror.....it was like I wasnt looking at myself. I saw a monster, the monster that my parents saw when I was a child. The longer I looked in that mirror, the more I hated myself. The moor I wished I wasnt here. I see the advice you all type for me, and I can feel the sincerety in the tone its written in. But when I get down.....nothing is there, im void of all feelings of good, and only see darkness. Sometimes I wish I could just get permission to die, so I dont have to suffer anylonger. Why do I suffer so much? Why do the sins of those who tortured me haunt me until I scream "go away" and claw my chest cause I cant take it anymore. You people say you see good in me, someone that deserves to live. I on the other hand dont, and probably never will see that person. My parents tortured me in hopes to kill me. Maybe they accompished that, by killing the lil boy in me struggling to live. Maybe if I let go of that lil boy, then I will let go of life itself....and finaly be at peace with myself. Sometimes I wish I could see me the way you people do. I think 'How does my daughter see me". Then I realize i'm barely in her life, so she doesnt see me at all. She wont miss me if I wasnt here. She has a good stepfather, and home. I look at myself as a loser....I always have. If my life ends, at least I know i did know good thing while alive. That is my daughter...Destiny is the brightest star in my dark sky. And It kills me that she isnt enough to make me get better. Maybe I dont deseve her, or this life, or to be better.

alound whisper, i am so sorry to hear what happened to you. i almost cried while reading it. but what you have to remember is that is over and you can't change what happened. i know that is so much easier said then done, but it is a fact. second you need to go see a therapist. posting on this forum is one thing, but talking to a professional is another. but 3rd, you need to realize that you have a daughter to live for. everytime you think of dying or killing yourself, think about your daughter and how much she loves you and would miss you. even if every other person could care less, you still have her. also look at the fact that you are 1 million times the parents your parents are. theres a special place in hell for people like them. you also need to stop feeling guilty for hating them. your parents were monsters who treated you like you were nothing. i don't know if anger is the best thing, as anger much like depression will eat your life up, but try to understand that your parents can't hurt you anymore. the scars are there, but thats all they are are scars. no more pain can come from them, but you can cause yourself even more pain then they caused if you continue to try to kill yourself or hurt yourself. so if it were up to me i would make an appointment for a therapist, even if you feel uncomfortable. and it is ok for someone to feel sorry for you. people go through crap all the time, and usually all they need is a shoulder to cry on.

Hunny, please dont leave. I know you think and you feel that you need to go this alone, but you truly do not. I honestly care about you, and I truly hope you know that. I also hope you know that no matter what, Im always just an MSN convo or a phone call away, 24 hrs a day. Yes, you had a hard night, and Im sure it wont be the last, but there are people here who care about you. I am one. You are NOT a monster. You are a kind, caring, considerate, wonderful, sexy, loving human being. I know that you cannot always see this, but I can. You are very dear to my heart, and it would make my life incomplete, so to speak, if you were no longer in it. You are my dearest friend, and I care about YOU. I worry about you constantly, and I cannot speak for others, but I know I am not the only one. Please come to me if you need me, please let me hold you in my arms and console you. Please allow me to help you.