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Posted 5/5/2005 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
Frankie, as I layed in bed last night I thought bout all I wrote in here and all we talked about last night.
I got an idea that may help Even though I told my dad I forgave him and that I was sorry for busting his chops all the time and driving him nuts while he was alive you can do that even though they are gone. I found that since I did this and did what I was given to do by bringing him home and sending him off to his resting place. I have total peace with him passing. Granted I did cry last night typing all that it was not of guilt it was because I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

(now crying again) But that is a healing process. Thanks giving was only a few days after he passed but there was still a long road ahead that I knew I had to travel. One was all the family desiding to lay him to rest with his mom and brother. Then to go though and pack his apartment. Then to spend almost a month moving it all from philly to nj. Then the cleaning and sitting in an empty apartment and thinking the worse thing about it all was the only time I spent there was from nov 6th till a week before christmas I had not seen my dad for a long time I lost alot of time with him but, I had tryed so many times in 5 years to see him and he just pushed family away and the more things went wrong for the last 2 1/2 years before he past I had seen him 6 times. the last time i saw him before the hospital I knew it would not be long and I kinda knew almost a hole year that soon I would not have him in my life.

I am telling you as not only a friend but, as a daughter who lost her dad so long ago and then to lose him forever your daughter needs you alive weather you see her alot or no she knows how you are and knows your alive. She will one day say hay dad it is ok I understand why things where the way they where and that is forgiveness. She loves you and you can not be replaced by no man.


I wish I could just talk to my dad on line and hear him on the phone wish him happy thanksgiving and all the holidays but he is gone. I can't get him back.

You can get your self back write a letter to each parent lay it on their graves or what ever... Tell them you forgive them say you are sorry for what ever you feel sorry for. Then shut the door on them and get on with you and getting better. YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU LIKE I NEED MY DAD. I may be 34 but, he tought me so much we loved to work on cars together when I was young and that has helped me to do what I need to do for me.

Sorry going on and on.. LOVE AND HUGS ANNA
Posted 5/5/2005 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
i agree to disagree and agree to some whisper
i have been thinking alot about you and i ment it when i said i wish i could travel to see you when you need to make that first step i sit here and try to figure away i could do that seekin proffesional help is hard an a scarey thing however you are a strong person YOU can do it you may not agree with what everyone says but if you take a piece from ther and paste it to another piece here and so on you willl start to form a plan
in my accident i didnt die but i did lose my life everything changed (and i mean everything)i looked at things completely different to the point my wife and i almost divorced but thanks to a mental health program i was tought i am in controll of my life i took that knowledge home with me and i re affirmed myself at home with "the new me" that afirmation saved my marrage and gave me my daughter i look back now and see how much i gave control to others after the accident and im glad i took it back
you should look at your situation close (i know you do all the time) but this time look at it from new eyes
take back that life take the control and continue the road to recovery dont let go we all think a proffesional will help but not if your not ready stay with us till you are together we can help you take control and eventually you will see that a proffesional will be the best thing i will not pucrap apon you nor god or anthing else so specific i will speak from me my experiances god had nothin to do with it it was me
i will not push i am here for you walk with me i am always on the"road"
Posted 5/5/2005 8:36 PM (GMT 0)
"The feeling inside is rage
burning forever
in a boy locked in a cage.
Listening to them laugh
while locked in a closet
cant eat or take a bath.
Why do my parents hate me
why was I born
I hate my life so why doesnt death take me.
Felling alone and cold
as I cry
why cant I have someone to hold.
Maybe I wasnt meant to be happy
only to feel the hatred
of both my mother and daddy.
Inside my soul is nothing but hate
set upon this life
please forgive my sins and seal my fate.
I close my eyes in the middle of the night
no one is here for me
maybe my parents are right.
No they cant be for they are wrong
I feel a light inside
my daughters voice is my song.
As a child I never looked to the gods above
the abandoned me
but I was saved by my daughters love.
Shes my angelic savior that granted me mercy
helps me through each day
takes away all the darkness so I may again see.
My parents took my life once before
thats the past now
and they will not do it anymore.
I see the love in her eyes
and feel her love in her hugs
and it makes her love a true surprise.
I wont give up my life and die
I need to look towards her
to make each day better as they go by.
In my life shes the only thing I done right
and I swear on my soul
i'll be there for her every day and night.

Dedicated to & for my daughter.
Daddy love you so much and misses you.


Effie....

The times come for me to get help. Can you help me find away to see someone, please.......
Posted 5/5/2005 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
I wasn't going to answer this post, but I have to ask you this question. How long can you go on like you are and NOT let it effect your child. Often times we have to do things we don't want to do, but you have an innocent child who doesn't understand why you are unhappy and that is transparent. I know you have suffered a lot growing up and that wasn't fair, however, it is as if you are sending the wrong signal to your daughter. In other words, you are basically showing her the manner in which you you were reared and I know you would not do anything intentionally. Until you get yourself fixed up, you can't be the parent you should be. You have got to stop with the "monster in the mirror" and all the other self-bashing you do. You ask for help and support and these members will give you all they have but if you aren't heading to their advice, it's as if they are talking to a brick wall. You childhood is one that no person let alone a child should go through. Now is your time, It is never too late. Heal, repent, call on your higher power if you have one and stop laying these guilt trips on yourself. The only way to heal is to accept what happened, realize that it is gone from your life and decide how much better you want to improve the quality of your life.It's time to move forward with your life. We can only do just so much. Please, seek professional help sp you can get passed all these open wounds. I am praying for you.

"Lefty" 

Posted 5/6/2005 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Sweetheart, I cannot put into words how proud I am of you. You realize what you need to do, and it is a very long road ahead of you. But I know you, I know you are a strong person with a good heart. You know I will help and support you as much as I am able to. Hugssssss hunny
Posted 5/6/2005 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
I am sooo happy to hear the poem and that you are going to make that all important first step you made me smile just let me know if you have any qeustions or need a hand or anything else.....you can find me you know where
Posted 5/6/2005 1:37 AM (GMT 0)
Great To Hear you taking a bigger step...
Posted 5/6/2005 11:50 AM (GMT 0)
[In other words, you are basically showing her the manner in which you you were reared and I know you would not do anything intentionally.]

Your wrong Lefty. The only time I find myself strong enough to do anything, is when i'm around her. Unfortunately, that isnt as often as I like & wish. When I have her with me, I'm a completely different person, kinds of like Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde. We do things, and laugh together, and have fun. But the time I get with her is seldon, and far in between.

[You ask for help and support and these members will give you all they have but if you aren't heading to their advice, it's as if they are talking to a brick wall.]

If my progress isnt fast enough for you, then I apologise. I'm not here to waste anyones time, or to let them waste time on me by giving me advice and support, then walking away from it like its nothing. In the short time I been here, I have felt a slight difference in the way I see myself & the world. But I have to move at my pace, or I wont complete what I started. "When you rush, accidents happen", and I do believe that.

What I went through, I dont consider abuse. That word is too light in my eyes, I was tortured. I was giving birth, then turn around and tortured by my parents. Yes i give myself guilt trips, tell myself I dont deserve anything. I had my back cut with butcher knifes, I been locked in a closet for days with no food or water or bathroom, then when taken out. I was beat for soiling myself. I was constantly told I was worthless by the people that was supposed to raise me, love me, and teach me right and wrong. 15 years of being tortured, will left an impression inside you, and not a very good one. I trust NO ONE anymore, and I very rarely left people get really close to me. If you dont wish to respond to this post anymore, then fine. I wish you the best of luck, and wish you the best life can offer. But never tell me I treat my daughter in the same manner that my father treated me. No one here has ever seen me with her. I spoke to effie lastnight and she has agree'd to help me in finding the right help I need. General Chaos & Anna & LadyArchAngel have been supportive here, and away from this forum. For the first time ever. I can say I have friends that care for me. I've never ever said that before, and as I say it now I cry. I cry because it feels good not to be alone. Bye....
Posted 5/6/2005 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
welcome aloud.
your bravery has shone through in your letter ,you have been through a lot in you life and i hope your future shines also .
i wish you all the best for your future .
mandy
Posted 5/6/2005 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
Frankie,

I'm so happy that you have Effie, General Chaos, Anna and LadyArchAngel's friendship. What a blessing. I'm sorry for the posts that have hurt you here. I can see why they would. The writer has been subjected to shunning and criticism herself and is starting to find her way in this caring environement at HealingWell. Please forgive her, her intention was good. You answered very wisely. Thank you for your gentleness and honesty.

I will never forget the horror you described as your childhood. I am sooo happy that you were finally able to reach out and begin a long but fruitful journey to wellness. I hope that you will keep us posted as you progress or strumble and need help. You have definitely touched many people here.

Blessings!
Posted 5/6/2005 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
Aloud...I think you misunderstood Lefty.  I didn't hear him/her say that you are or would ever treat your daughter in the same manner in which you were treated.  What I heard she/he saying is that you have to get some help so that your daughter won't be effected by the trauma you are dealing with because of the horrific abuse you've endured. 

You have recognized that what happened to you was unbearable, unacceptable and done to you by some extremely sick individuals.  None of which was your fault!!  Now it's time to sit with a professional and gain the tools it takes to be the best you can be, firstly for you and secondly for your daughter.  You are worth doing all that it takes to get to a place where you feel joy, happiness and inner peace!!

Good luck!

PS...I can relate to abuse as a child and I struggled with it for years.  I was full of self-hatred and lived my life angry at far too many people.  I found a great shrink that helped me work through my anger, fear, self-pity and self-loathing and and my entire life has changed.  Your's can too...but you've got to muster up the energy to find a good doctor and do the work it takes! 

 

Post Edited (ucforme) : 5/6/2005 9:23:07 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/6/2005 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
I sit here criyin with mixed feelings i am upset that anyone had to go through this alone till now but i cry for his bravery and courage to take that first step and i am also very proud i have never been touched with such overwelmong emotion by a post before and am honorerd to be a small part of such a wonderful thing and he did an excellent job responding we all have different opinions to help sometimes controversy bears peace in unknown places but at this point he has my full suppport he is a VERY tender man and i see this in our conversations he loves his daughter very very much and i believe that was one of his motivaitors to be here and am here for him as well on msn when he needs a boost


i am proud to call him friend
Posted 5/6/2005 6:20 PM (GMT 0)
nono  Whisper,

Please don't misconstrue the repost I sent you into something that's it not. Sometimes, we all need a bit of "tough love" and I can see you have a lot of "excess baggage" but I am telling you it's NOT your falt. You are assuming responsibility for the things that happened in your life as a young child. That is not yours to own. The people responsible go to the pearly gates and answer for what they did. We all have to. My faith is what keeps me strong.

Stop with the "I apologize and I'm not here to waste anyone's time. Come on. Look at all the members posted you with sympathy and concern including myself. I am suggesting that you TRY to focus on the positive side of your life. If you feel you don't have one, we will help you see that anything's possible. Yes, take your time. Rome wasn't built in a day and yes it is going to take time. No one, well I am not disputing that. I am sincerely trying to get you out of a funk. Yes, it takes time. We all have our reasons for being depressed.

Your last paragraph is very sad. I can't say I know what you went through cause I don't. I can't say I feel sorry for you because I don't know what to be sorry more for. The abuse and not having decent parents. I wish someone would have helped you back then. Didn't anyone else see what was happening to you? I didn't say you were "treating your daughter like you were treated. You are taking things out of context. What I was trying to say was if your unhappy and sad, does she see you like that. You answered that by saying you are the happiest when you are with her. That is something to heal for. She is worth the healing and I think you can't dispute that. When I said I wasn't going to post back was because I didn't know what you would accept as help or as innuendoes. I told you things that I didn't feel I had to tell anyone else. Did you say something about that? I forget.

In closing, I want you to know that I have never been hateful, cruel, mean spirited, inconnsiderate, unkind or an out and out snob to anyone. I answer as many posts as I can and I answered the two posts prior to this one. Yes, you're hurting. I can see that. Having rifts is not going to help. I love you in Christ and will continue to read and pray for you. Please do not assume I am against you. I have never come across as they type of person. Sorry if I touched a nerve. Sometimes I can do that so if I upset you, I offer an apology. You are in my prayers.

"Lefty"

Posted 5/6/2005 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
please see my post in depression "being cautious" we all need a reminder occasionally we are all human
Posted 5/6/2005 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
Sweetie, i have always considered you one of my best friends, even thru the hard times we had together. I would not be the same person I am today if I had never met you.
Posted 5/6/2005 11:39 PM (GMT 0)

Lefty..your message was clear and certainly not without love and concern.  I think it's very important to bring realism to this Thread and you've done that with your candid, honesty.

Aloud...it's obvious that you need a safe place to fall and you've found it here.  Unfortunately, we can only give you words of support and encouragement.  Hopefully, you will take all these words of wisdom, concern, support and kindness and fuel yourself to gain the energy you need to get help.  You can make it to the other side...I promise, but you can't do it on your own.  You need a professional.

Posted 5/7/2005 4:37 AM (GMT 0)
Frankie:

Please seek help and talk to someone at a Mental Health Center.  You would be surprised what depression medicine can do for you.  I just recently started on Zoloft I too thought I didn't need it.  I did not want to continue living but my husband says he needs me. 

Please understand that now of the things your parents did to you were your fault.  They were sick people!  You are something to be able to tell that story and not to continue the cycle with your daughter.  Frankie your daughter needs you!  Send her cards to let her know you love her, call her, e-mail her so that she will know that you think of her often.  She is someone that needs you even if you think she doesn't.  The guilt that your parents have put on you you will put on her if you try to do anything to yourself.  She will feel guilty and you don't want to put the guilt on her.

Frankie we are here for you and yes we care!  I will keep you in my prayers!

Have a good weekend!

Love to you

Vicki

Posted 5/9/2005 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Frank, I met you just a few days ago and I have read all of the posts here. And I have spoken to you in chat. I am so glad to have met you. I know what you have been going through and I am so sorry for it all. But I want to tell you that none of it was your fault. You can't make excuses for the way others behave or treat others. None of it was your doing. And I know how much you love your daughter and I am so sorry that she is so far away from you and I know you would never treat her the way that you were treated. She is and will always be your little girl. And she will always need you in her life. You are her one and only father and she knows how much you love her and she wouldn't want to lose you. I know that what you went through was so horrible and I told you my story. I know it doesn't come close to what you went through but I understand why you feel the way that you do. But it is great that you found this site and I am happy that I have become a friend to you. I am always here for you to talk to. And even though you have not yet seen it you are a truly talented man. You are an absolutely amazing writer. I think that you were meant to be one as I have already told you. You have such a wonderful way with words and you shouldn't forget that. I know you have not yet seen these wonderful things that others here have seen but I have and I hope that one day you see it yourself. I am so happy to have met you in chat. You are such a great person you truly listen. And the book you are writing is great from what you have sent to me. It was wonderful. But if you want to chage as you have written in other posts here it will take time and you shouldn't have to rush it for anyone. Take it at your very own pace do not allow others to tell you how fast to change it is all up to you and only you. So don't allow anyone to change you if you aren't ready for that. I am in chat everynight around 6 eastern time. I hope to see you really soon. But if you need to contact me you can email me anytime. My email is [email protected] you are more than welcome to send me email whenever you need to for any reason. Take care. Ashley
Posted 5/9/2005 1:03 PM (GMT 0)

Frankie the Loud Whisperer -

I can tell you nothing better than anything anyone else here said. But I agree with all of it. The only thing that I can say or recommend is have you ever heard of Dave Peltzer? He wrote "A Child Called It," "The Lost Boy," and finally "A Man Named Dave." Or at least that is pretty close to what the titles are. His story is a lot like yours - only worse. I think they said that in the state of California they have never had a case of abuse that bad.

Maybe you should check out his books. Somehow (and I don't know how) he grew up into a real person (which is, I think, what we all want to do - at least I do).

Good Luck and Lots of Love (not weird creepy internet love, but sincere I wish you felt OK and I care love),

dammy

Posted 5/9/2005 1:10 PM (GMT 0)

Frankie the whisperer -

Can I do anything? I live in Texas but I will make phone calls or do whatever it takes to help you. Since I can't help myself and enjoy helping others just let me know - anytime.

Love,

dammy

Posted 5/9/2005 3:23 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you dammy, for taking the time to look at this, and responding. I wish to thank the others that has shown me compassion, and understanding as i deal with my issues. Recently the last few days have been bad, real bad. But this morning when I woke up, I felt different. I felt that I have people that care, and want me to get better, and I do have that now. All my life, I been alone, and had gotten used to that feeling. This feeling of acceptance by this group of people is some what hard. I felt like a outsider in a club of people that have dealt with their problems and face the world in a better way. I still feel like a outsider somewhat, but that feeling is slowly going away. With Lady Archangel effie, Ashley100, Anna & General Chaos, and even Lefty. I know im not alone in this world, that people care for me and wish to see me better. My path is long & hard, and it wont be easy. Knowing I wont walk it alone, makes me feel alot better. Again, I thank everyone for supporting me, one day when I'm better, I hope to join you in helping others.
Posted 5/9/2005 5:00 PM (GMT 0)
yeah  udoforme,

Please send me an E mail. I would like to run something passed you. Thanks!

"Lefty" 

Posted 5/9/2005 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
Frankie the Whispererer -

CONFESSION - I don't help other people because I am so "well." It is simply easier than trying to help myself.

Someone is driving from home to here (I just moved 2 hours away) with my prozac which I quit taking for whatever reason along time ago. Now comes the funny problem - I need the medicine, I know that, but do I have to "deal" with him" I mean I don't want to deal with myself, how am I going to deal (like have a conversation) with the person bringing me medicine??

Does this mean I have to brush my hair??

I know that sounds stupid but it is honestly how I feel.

I am glad that you are feeling better. I hope it continues. Today isn't so good here so I am sorry if I didn't respond well enough.

dammy

Posted 5/10/2005 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
I personally want to thank you Judy (effie) for being so helpful. and to thank you all for accepting and helping my dear friend. It makes me smile to know there are others here that care about him, and he deserves every bit of it... again thank you all :)
Posted 5/11/2005 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Frank,
I am so extremely happy that I have helped you a little. I will always be here for you to talk to whenever you need. I am so happy to have become a friend of yours. And I am happy that you are not feeling so alone anymore. I really care about you. You are a really great person. And will help in any way you need me too. I hope you come into chat again soon I am looking forward to chatting with you very soon. Take care I will be in touch.
Ashley
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