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what to do? its causing soo much hurt

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Posted 12/27/2004 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
a few months ago i found a person who i could open up to and really be myself. i havent ever been the really "liked" one. this guy was so understaning and supportive for me. my husband and i were having problems when this guy and i opened up to each other. i told him i loved him and he felt the same way. my husband found out and there was a huge fight of course. but all of us have come to be good friends or so i thought. well i still love this person and i love my husband. and i dont feel like i can choose one or the other. it makes me sick and makes me cry for hours when i think about choosing. they each fill different parts of me. when im not around either or the other i feel alone and imcomplete. im just looking for outside advice on how to deal with this to maybe make a choice. my husband has always been open to open relationships but he has hurt this other guy to the point where he doesnt like him anymore. i just dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to hurt either of them anmore.
Posted 12/27/2004 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
Here's my advice:

 

If your husband is not physically or emotionally abusing you, I would talk to the "new guy" and tell him you need to stop seeing him completely and need to work out things with your marriage. I feel it's important for both you and your husband to work through your problems whether you end up staying together or not. It will help you the most in the end...hope this helps :-)

Posted 12/28/2004 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Keiko.  First you need to know that no one person can fulfill all your needs.  When you enter another male to your relationship though, emotional attachments develop and will only mix you up.  To quote Dr. Phil "you can't solve marriage problems by going outside of the marriage".  Could you and hubby see a cousellor or pastor?  Can you set aside time with your husband and tell him what you need from your relationship?  Try writing in a journal?  Open up to a female friend?  I know marriages go through their "times" and I believe if you stick with it, they get better.  I do hope Keiko that you find hope and happiness in your marriage :-) , it's worth it.  Best wishes & prayers, Softy
Posted 12/28/2004 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
well i do tell my husband my needs and for like a week they go answered then its like he stops listening. he makes me feel little alot of times by making himself seem better then everyone. i know due to his background he craves attention, but i cant be around 24/7 and thats waht he wants.i was an only child so i got used to having a little bit of private time. that i am not given now. i say i dont want to move he discusses it with friends and now were moving. in the beginning of our relationship he started fights with me and a family member so we wouldnt talk to eachother. and tried to cause a riff between me and my mother. it seems as hes afraid of me having friends. and i did forget to mention that this other guy lives 1400miles away and i can only talk to him via internet and phone. tho if i talked on the phone there would be a fight i think. im just sick of being treated as if im a child. When our marriage is good its GREAT but lately it hasnt been that way maybe for like a year now...before i met this other guy even. im just really confused right now...thanks guys for letting me vent :)
Posted 12/28/2004 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
Keiko, I feel for you. It is so taxing and confusing to be married to one man, to love another one, and to not know what to do. I left the one I was married to, lost the one I was in love with, married a third one just for the money figuring I would never love anyone again like I did the one I lost. Hells Bells, I might as well be rich if I can't be happy! That's not the smartest solution you ever heard. Well, here's how it all shook down 17 years later. While married to the rich guy I discovererd that he is the most precious, most dear loyal, worthy soul on the face of the earth, and I treat him with all the gentleness, love and respect that I can figure out how every day of my life. The "other man" was actually cheating on his wife and willing to let me cheat on my first husband, so although the love seemed real and the ssex seemed hot, we were both schmucks, and that was actually a sordid affair. My first husband had me in a relationship with so much tension and strife that I didn't know myself from a hole in the ground. Under the sweet loving care of my second husband, I have blossomed as an individual: I get to do animal rescue, nursing, care of friends, care of family, and other generous things that hub # 1 would have scolded me for as foolish. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: The pain and intensity of this time for you may just be a doorway that feels dark and scary, exactly as it did for me in 1987. But as I boarded a plane to leave life as I knew it forever, and thought I would die inside as I left both husband and lover, only God knew what joys He had waiting for me. This sweet man who loves me every day warts and all, these loving friends and coworkers. All these dogs who make my days so much fun. I'm begging you please, don't be too discouraged. Your life is about to improve. Wash your face, try to hold your head up, and simply try to sort right from wrong, and do the right thing. Just keep doing the right thing over and over, big decisions and small. Focus on two things: your own health, and doing the right thing. Try not to give too much power or attention to your feelings. Feelings are tricksters and fickle. They are just feelings, they are not universal laws! YOU decide, not your feelings! We are all pulling for you! Pammi
Posted 12/28/2004 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
Keiko, Forgot a couple details: Rich guys isn't rich anymore. Don't care. I work full time to help make ends meet. I changed. I would not in a million years ever again even BE a candidate for an affair. I'm just not a candidate. What will it take to make YOU not a candidate? And rich guy has always had the good sense to say, in hard times: "Divorce is not an option." Recently when I was diagnosed with a disabling disease and OFFERED him a divorce so he wouldn't be stuck with a sick wife, he's sticking to his story: divorce is not an option, he loves me and wants to take care of me. YOU deserve the same. Don't let yourself settle for any less. Keep your chin up. Live as if you deserve to have your chin up! Pammi
Posted 12/29/2004 3:57 PM (GMT 0)
Keiko - I hope your feeling better about your problems at home. I know how difficult it can be. I am having struggles in the same area myself. Keep your chin up... I'll say a little prayer for you.

TB

Posted 12/29/2004 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
I used to work with this wonderful PhD psychologist on a treatment team at a private hospital. He once said "There are a few ABSOLUTES in life: 1) You never harm a child 2) You never cheat on your spouse
3) You never do anything to jeapordize your professional license 4) You are never mean to an animal.......He just had a list of absolutes...I forget now where he left off. But Bill had/has a wonderfully high quality life. Always has had, always will. He will deal with the same struggles all humans do. Burying our parents, children's illnesses, and whatnot. But Bill will never deal with problems brought on by violating the Absolutes. I learned that day when I heard him say the Absolutes: "Hmmmm....there's a lot of Wisdom in that. For a young man fresh out of college, he's pretty smart. His daddy must have taught him that. He sure will avoid a lot of trouble in his life just because of that List." And I decided to borrow his List. Thank God I did too, because of my own volition, I may not have been able to walk away from some very severe temptations (of the sort we've been discussing on this site) if I didn't have that List backing me up. I'm not that good all on my own!!! Since it saved my hind end more than once, just thought I'd pass The List along... Pammi
Posted 8/5/2012 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
You need to examine your own feelings for each. Is you marriage what you want and can you save it or do you need to leave your marriage because it is not working out. I left my husband because we were not just getting along. It was the best I ever did because now I live a happy and healthy life. I is your decision
Posted 8/5/2012 3:41 PM (GMT 0)
You need to examine your own feelings for each. Is you marriage what you want and can you save it or do you need to leave your marriage because it is not working out. I left my husband because we were not just getting along. It was the best I ever did because now I live a happy and healthy life. It is your decision
Posted 8/5/2012 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lynn,

This thread is from 2004 so some of the people aren't even here anymore. I suggest you post on more recent threads, or even start one of your own. If you have something that you would like to discuss, feel free to do so.

I am going to lock this thread as it is very old...

Hugs, Karen
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