depressed......

guess it's the season change but today I slept 17 hrs and now can't stop crying which is hard 'cause me daughter's here but I'm keeping it from her. I just feel like I can't go on...can't continue living this lie...being happy...wearing the masks I discarded so long ago...I'm having to wear them again and it's draining me. I do nothing but work and sleep. work depresses me......my job requires making use of maybe 20 percent of my expertise and attention. I'm paid well but there is absolutely no sense of accomplishment or usefulness...this is due to automation. I'm in mainframe IT, basically a fire-fighter, waiting for something to go wrong....how ironic is that? Everything feels wrong with my life and I wait for more wrong at work.

I just want to leave. leave and never look back. head for the mountains and just wander off. but what of my family? I could never do that to my kids. So I go on.....faking happiness, well being.....wandering through life in total isolation...alone.....raw....so tired...inconsolable to myself.....just lost.

thanks Karen. I knew I could count on someone here responding....most likely you. I know things aren't as bad as I feel but sometimes we have these days....although this has been weeks now...wearing the masks....I lived in the mountains once years ago and have never felt at home since.
When the kids grow up...LOL..they're 23, 20 and 19.....I now if I ever went to the mountains again, I'd never return. Like an old dog...just wander off. And I could think of no better way to go. Maybe its something in my blood from my ancestors although I've found none that lived that life. Maybe it's just that the mountains create a feeling of insignificance I can accept....unlike the unreasonable feeling I have now. anyhow, off to watch a movie with my girl....hope I don't start in crying again....I just stopped.

Hang in there. I am dealing with anxiety myself, but I went through bad depression last year. It may seem like there is no escape, but if i can get out of it anyone can. What about taking the family up to the mountains with you? or go on some walks at a nature preserve. also, maybe you can try talking to your family about what your going through. I was afraid to talk to my family, gf and friends, but it turns out they were super supportive and there for me. you would be surprised at who you can talk to. The most important thing though is to not give up! Whatever you do just keep fighting and focus on the good things in your life no matter how small. also, one thing that helped me, do one thing you enjoy every day. maybe going to get an ice cream cone or getting your favorite drink. One thing i would suggest though is stay away from alcohol when your depressed. i tried using that as a "fix" but it only made things worse. Hang in there and never give up!

Welcome to the forum nervousabouteverything!

you gave some good suggestions.

Hope you continue to post.

Trina

Thanks Everyone. I think some may have misinterpreted what I said about being a 'firefighter'. I am NOT a fire fighter but my job is similar insofar as I work 12 hr shifts and respond to emergency or critical situations as they arise in a mainframe computer environment. Also, I am separated and live over 60 miles from my kids, except my daughter who's residing with me while attending school. My brothers....one lives 60 miles away and the other 2 are on the west coast.....one is battling cancer, another does not hold me in very high esteem [actually believes Fibro is all in my head and Depression a sign of weakness...same as ,y ex wife] and the last is far too busy with his own nuclear family.

There is no one I can talk to which is why I post here...among people who know what I'm going through. I have spent many past years in therapy and am aware of tools I can use but sometimes I lack all motivation and desire.

Today was much better although I was unable to sleep last night...my mind was just racing...my daughter and I went out shopping and had a great time. We just got in from having dinner out at a nice Japanese place down the street and I feel great. I know I'm cycling right now due to S.A.D ...my Bipolar always becomes dramatic at season changes....it's just some days get real bad.

I thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and recommendations - Mindful.org sounds interesting...and wish you all smooth seas and warm breezes.

Brian

Thanks Karen. You're one I can always count on but please don't spend too much of yourself on others such as me. I can feel your strength and it strengthens me. My mood swings don't last too long - if they ever do, I'll be to the Doc - but when they happen, I post here.

To all who read me and help, rest assured I will not allow deep depression to take over and keep me. I just need to vent when times are tough - I could never lay this stuff on my kids.

Thank you one and all.

Brian

Post Edited (BrianJ (bne74honda)) : 10/17/2012 7:10:29 PM (GMT-6)

Brian,

I understand how you feel regarding your family, 2 years ago, I recalled repressed memories of abuse from 4 family members. Now my entire blood family has shunned me.

They said I was insane and a drug addict, they don't believe I have Trigeminal any longer. Two of them were also abused, but in denial. I am 51 and I doubt they will change.

So it is just myself and my husband.

I am telling you this so you can take what comfort you can from the family to does contact and love you. Distance is hard, but is not impossible especially these days. Take the support from where you can when it is offered. Lean on those that love you when you can.

Know that you do have a real illness and continue to treat it with the respect it deserves.

I wish you will in your continues journey.

Stay strong and keep posting.

Trina

Brian,

I know it is hard when others expect us to "snap out of it". Or when things happened and they wont admit it. But we know in our hearts that we are doing the best we can and that things in the past did happen. And we deal with it at our own pace. I have had family members do some pretty mean things to me just because they were in denial. But that is them. I pushed through it at the pace that was comfortable for me. Hang in there my friend. Keep on keeping on.

Hugs, Karen

Depression sucks. It really does. But then we still have control over the "non-depresseive" moments and can make the most of it.

Thanks Brian,

That was kind. Through a lot of self-discipline, I have reached a quite a "charmed" life. Professional success, money, good family life, happy kids etc. There is NO REASON why I should be down at all - all the material things are in place. Yet, I get real down moods. That sucks.

When I am not "down", I apply self discipline. But during the down moods, all that goes for a toss. Thats what sucks.

I keep coming here for that reason.

Recently, I have started maintaining a "depression calendar". I have found that the last three episodes were on a half-moon. I have no data before that. I'll collect some more data. Does this half moon connection mean much to you??

Take Care

Hi Brian

It sucks if your work is not challenging and very boring. If they do not challenge you, can you maybe challenge yourself? For example is there a study course or workshop in a related topic to your work that you are interested in attending? A new hobby of something that you never thought about doing, maybe collecting insects or taking art classes? I know it sounds silly, but sometimes if you force yourself to focus on something else by spending your time on researching about a topic or hobby, you will not have the time to think about all the other things that makes you unhappy and which you cannot change. In other words, force yourself to focus on something else in you life that gives you pleasure. I know when you are depressed that is the last thing that you are interested in doing, but as soon as the first step is made and you are making plans and taking charge of your life again, you will feel better.
It works for me. I've collected insects, did ballroom dancing and karate classes, painted my house full of murials :). Currently my interest is in gardening :)


Vrolik