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How to cope when your best friend has a boyfriend

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Posted 4/19/2011 7:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there!

I was just wondering if anyone here knows how I can easily cope with my best friend having a boyfriend. She and I have always been really close. Even if we live miles apart, we'd always make time to chat online or send text messages. Recently though, she has started seeing someone and they're spending more and more time with each other. We don't talk as much anymore and it's making me feel lonely. I'm happy for her but I'm hurt because I got too attached to her. And although I know she does still care about me, sometimes I have doubts. I hope someone here can tell me how to cope better. The thing is, I keep to myself and although I do have other friends, I'm not that close to them.
Posted 4/19/2011 7:39 AM (GMT 0)
Perhaps you should get a boyfriend? a/s/l? smilewinkgrin
Posted 4/19/2011 8:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hahaha. Do you have anything else in mind? Something perhaps a bit more possible?
Posted 4/19/2011 1:13 PM (GMT 0)
Make some new friends. You will eventually find somebody that you will feel comfortable talking with. Start some hobbies, or maybe volunteer and a senior center or animal shelter. Keep yourself occupied. You can't change the fact that she has a boyfriend now. Things are going to be different. I had this happen when I was young and felt so lost. My friend just quit calling all together. But I got over it with time. I know you are feeling bad, but try to cheer up and move on with your life. You can do it.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/19/2011 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much, Karen, for taking time. I will take your advice to heart. Do you still talk to your friend? Is it best if I let go of my best friend? (I wonder if such a thing is even possible..)
Posted 4/19/2011 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
I would give her a little space to be with her new boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you have to stop talking all together. Well, my friend married the guy. She was never the same after thatr with me. We went our seperate ways, but reunited about ten years later or so. But now we have gone our seperate ways again. When we get together it is trouble with a capital"T". I don't know what is up with that. She drinks a lot and I don't like being around drunk people. I guess she has issues now. But you and your frined will still always have a special bond. And I am sure that you will continue to be friends. Things just change in life. And you will make new ones. And maybe meet a guy and have a boyfriend too. You never know what is going to happen in this world.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/19/2011 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Make online friends :) I hardly speak to my friends until I am back at uni and have no friends back at home so I speak to online people. :)
Posted 4/19/2011 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with getting out there and making new friends. Once I started college I started making friends, I started going out more and just meeting people for coffee and a chat. I find now I'm struggling to fit all the people I need to into my life, friends that are further away I never get to see anymore. It makes me sad that I can't get over to see them or that my new flat is now far to small to have anyone stop over for longer than a night. We mostly stay in contact over Facebook now, I keep an eye out for them as I have Facebook on my Blackberry so can always chat inbetween doing things. It's not ideal but it works for now, I never want to lose touch with any of them though as they have all played parts in my life and I wouldn't be who I am without their support or strength when I've started to fall of the rails.

It's always hard losing touch with friends, especially when boyfriends or girlfriends come into the picture. Most of my friends are guys and while I only ever think of them as friends, losing touch with them when they have a new girlfriend makes me feel very left out. But part of me, the greater part I think is happy for them.

I think the best thing to do is keep occasionally sending reminders to your friend that you are there and hopefully when the new love phase of having a new boyfriend settles down a bit, conversation wilol start to occur more often and return to a level you're more comfortable with. In the mean time, get out there and meet someone new. College, social clubs, common interest groups etc. Are great places to meet new people.

Keep your chin up
Gem x
Posted 4/20/2011 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much, Karen, Faunts (sorry I didn't get your name), and Gem. Means a lot to me. I'll save these pieces of advice.

That is true. I should give her space and send occasional reminders that I'll always be there. I told her so last night but it hurt. I really can't wait to get over the pain.

I've also lost touch with old friends after they've started seeing someone. Maybe that's why I'm anxious about what's happening now. If it weren't for my friends though, I honestly wouldn't be who I am. So thanks a lot for reminding me about that fact.

My best friend did tell me that things do change in life and it's just the way it is. I actually didn't want anything to change between us. ='( But it's nice to know there will always be that special bond. Thank you, really, for helping me remember. ='D

I'll try all your advice and post any progress I'll be making. I'm so grateful for the replies.
Posted 4/24/2011 8:11 AM (GMT 0)
hey dynamic duo.. i am facing a very similar problem .. except tat my best friend is not going out wit that guy..but tat guy likes her.. she sees him as a friend and nothing more.. tat guy tries to deliberately take her away fro me.. i am lost.. how do u cope up wit this.. i feel lot of anxiety ..like impending doom.. is it really tat bad tat she is closer to him..i dono..
Posted 6/18/2011 9:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hey want peace, glad to be back. How are you and your friend now? If your friend isn't interested in the guy, then you don't have to worry about anything. I'm guessing she'd even ask what you think about the guy or she might even ask you if she should she go out with him when he asks her out. I think you'll both be fine.
Posted 9/12/2011 12:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Dynamic Duo, just wondering how you are coping with letting go of your friend. I am currently going through the same thing and am finding it difficult to accept that my friend no longer makes me priority. I saw it coming but was in denial for a while. I feel like the guy she is dating is not good enough for her and can do better. I fear that she might lose herself in that relationship by trying to please this guy instead of being herself. I want to let go but dont know what to do with myself. I have grown to attached to her that it hurts like crazy. I am going to lose her eventually as i will no longer fit in their social cycle as they will now hang out with couples and i am single. I am sooo sad and feel like shutting her out completely but cant as she is like a twin sister to me. I have told her once that i do not like her boyfriend and sense that her man does not like me either as i might be the voice of reason to her when he is bullcraptin her. I refuse to be caught in between them but cant stop reaching out when she needs me.

Any tips of how you are managing and how i can go bout moving on?

destressed NIMI
Posted 9/22/2011 7:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nimi,

I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. It does hurt so much and really the only way to cope is to accept that things will never be the same anymore. Your friend won't see any of the guy's shortcomings, and she'd always come to his aid. It's so frustrating seeing her choose to be so blind. There's one catch though. If you think and KNOW that the guy she's going out with isn't good enough for her, then you're most likely RIGHT.

I know it's very difficult but if you can, at least try to spend more time with other people (families and other friends). It can be volunteering at a local church or feeding the homeless or helping the elderly. If you're like me, then your world really does revolve around your best friend but don't let yourself be caught up in pain and bitterness. You'll accomplish so much more doing things you love and being happy about it.

Seeing as deeply this has hurt you, I know your friend means so much. It'll take time but I'm pretty sure you'll be okay. When your friend's romantic relationship turns sour, just make sure you'll be there for her.

For now, why not try dating other guys? It can be a really good distraction.
Posted 11/25/2012 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
hi,
im just new here, and saw your post. although it seems that you've posted this quite a long time ago, I'm just wondering if we could be friends even just online (since practically im from another country), its just that i'm now going through (again) what you've gone through...I'm not really much of doing this, but trying to have my guts since im just so down right now, dont really know what to do...
i just feel so sad that a very good friend of mine (for almost 19 yrs) is already getting married and its just so hard to imagine how to start moving on w/ the things that you get used to, not just the good times. she's already like a family to me and the kindest person on earth. i dont know how to move on and accept this fact, and i dont want her to know how i feel (inspite that im always open to her) because i dont wanna spoil her happiness. deep inside im battling my loneliness...
Posted 11/26/2012 3:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hello kathy curious,

I'm sorry about how you feel. Seeing my best friend have a boyfriend is already hard for me. I can't imagine how much harder it is to see yours get married. Getting used to it takes time. Are you close with other friends? Are you seeing someone right now? A few distractions here and there could help a bit.

Yes please. I'd like us to be friends. Is there a way for me to contact you privately? Maybe through email or Facebook?
Posted 11/26/2012 3:27 AM (GMT 0)
If you exchange emails, the best way to do it, is to put it in your profile. Each of you, if you haven't already. To get to the other person's profile, just click on their name at the side of their post and it will take you there. It is not recommended to place them in a post on the forum because anybody could see it and it could cause you problems down the road.

If I see them posted on a post, I will give it an hour, then I will remove it. Hopefully you will have enough time to get the other person's email address.

I hope that you two become good friends...

Hugs, Karen

PS  By posting the addresses in your profile, only members can see them.  In a post, anybody reading on teh forum can see.  This gets you spam and possibly virus on your computer, or maybe even harrassment.  That is why it is discouraged...

Posted 11/27/2012 1:04 AM (GMT 0)

Dynamic Duo said...
Hello kathy curious,

I'm sorry about how you feel. Seeing my best friend have a boyfriend is already hard for me. I can't imagine how much harder it is to see yours get married. Getting used to it takes time. Are you close with other friends? Are you seeing someone right now? A few distractions here and there could help a bit.

Yes please. I'd like us to be friends. Is there a way for me to contact you privately? Maybe through email or Facebook?

hi dynamic,
thanks, yes i have both, but maybe I'd say i prefer e-mail for now, since I'm trying to avoid too much facebooking (for the meantime though), it just tends me to know infos i rather dont wanna know, or i might just feel awful (can i get your e-mail add?) what's your name and age by the way if you dont mind? I saw the replies of people from your post and while reading them, it still makes me feel that most are bearable. I also received some replies from my post, though it seems i've been hearing all the generic advices, but then, im thankful that there are still people i could interact. maybe its really just like this, when we were younger we have less problems and less sensitive, we dont have much to think about. later on things are just getting quite complicated and you need more strength to hold on, but sometimes we ask ourselves how & where...my friend only keeps me holding on, but i guess now i have to deal w/ a new circumstance. this was my previous post by the way:
https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=2571400&g=2571400#m2571400
Posted 11/27/2012 1:47 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Karen. I really appreciate it. Have edited my profile to show my email address.
Posted 11/27/2012 3:57 AM (GMT 0)
Ijust typed you a big old long post and lost it... But the basic thing I wanted to mention was that I had noticed in your last post, you felt that you got mainly generic answers. I don't know what you mean by that so would you explain it to me? I had a stressful day and my mind can't think enough to figure out what you meant. But I did reread your post. And I realized that I posted more about me than you. An for that I am sorry.
I might have to come and finish this later because I am tired. Or tomorrow. But the one thing I want t leave you with is when we become attached to another person in a way that they almost complete us, (and that happens when you get comfortable with another person) then they decide to get a life of their own with another person or for any reason I guess, that leaves us feeling empty, sad and alone. That is a natural occurance and it happens a lot. But the point of this is, we shouldn't depend on another person to make us happy. To complete us so to speak. We have to be our own person. Then we make friends and don't get in that trap (that can be unhealthy) of needing the other person to make us happy. We feel more secure with ourselves. And we can... I want to talk more to you. When I am not so tired. And have fibrofog..

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/27/2012 9:42 AM (GMT 0)

Nimi said...
Hi Dynamic Duo, just wondering how you are coping with letting go of your friend. I am currently going through the same thing and am finding it difficult to accept that my friend no longer makes me priority. I saw it coming but was in denial for a while. I feel like the guy she is dating is not good enough for her and can do better. I fear that she might lose herself in that relationship by trying to please this guy instead of being herself. I want to let go but dont know what to do with myself. I have grown to attached to her that it hurts like crazy. I am going to lose her eventually as i will no longer fit in their social cycle as they will now hang out with couples and i am single. I am sooo sad and feel like shutting her out completely but cant as she is like a twin sister to me. I have told her once that i do not like her boyfriend and sense that her man does not like me either as i might be the voice of reason to her when he is bullcraptin her. I refuse to be caught in between them but cant stop reaching out when she needs me.

Any tips of how you are managing and how i can go bout moving on?

destressed NIMI

Hi Nimi,
just kinda new here and saw your post...so its been a year since you felt this thing, just wondering how are you feeling and doing right now and how were you able to cope up? do people see it as jealousy and do you think its really called jealousy? i thought its not (just my opinion), but i still wanna examine myself since right now i've been experiencing the same. i think its more about the way of balancing priorities. i think you wont be able to mind how she spends time w/ the guy as long as she also gives her friend an equal priority, besides, friends remains to be always there and it should be treasured, so i guess if you don't have a bf then that's one life's lesson you'll learn: never put your friend aside, and try to manage a balance relationship between lover & friend. you're still in the youngster's situation so i guess it'll much easier to try to explore and mend your probs. i know how it feels to be much attached to someone whom you trusted for too long then one day you wake up it seems that you feel that things will never be the same, i feel for you, except that my friend is already going to get married soon, and this is something i need to learn to get over, because for some reason i feel like the world fell down on me.

*sobs*,
kathy
Posted 11/27/2012 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
Kathy,

I am so sorry, that you see your friends marriage as "abandonment"

She is not leaving you. She is simply living her life and moving on to another chapter. Same you are. This next chapter for you, will give you strength and independence. Your new found independence will allow you to broaden your horizons and move on to other things in your life!

Your friend will also be your friend, from what you say I do not see that changing, unless you want it to. She will just need more time to spend with her husband, as it should be.

Try to sit and breath and meditate on the goodness you can share with her now. The memories you can share now and hold for the rest of your lives. Preparing for the wedding and sharing her happiness.

I think you are afraid of the change in your life more than you are of losing a friend.

Letting-Go-of-the-Person-You-Used-to-Be- is a wonderful book on how to handle major changes in ones life. It is an easy read and well worth the time. You can find it at your local library, for the first read. Then buy it for reference if you want.

Kathy, We are all afraid of change in our lives, try to embrace it. It become less scarey that way.

I wish you strength and peace.
Trina
Posted 12/8/2012 6:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,
I'm new here as well and found the topic similar to what i am experiencing with my best friend. She recently had a boyfriend and i guess i feel that our friendship has never been the same again. To make things harder for me, i am renting a room in my friend's house so i see her with her boyfriend most of the time. And i want to be happy for her but deep inside i just couldn't let go of her right now. In a way, i am trying to pull away from her so i wouldn't get hurt, which is wrong i know. I just don't know how i can show my support for her if i hurt inside. :(
Posted 12/8/2012 11:43 AM (GMT 0)
If you sincerely care about her, you will be able to be happy for her. Unless you don't think she will be happy. That happens sometimes.

Pulling away is natural, it keeps us from getting hurt. Sometimes we have to do that for self preservation.

Welcome to the forum. I am glad that you have joined us. Keep posting. If you feel like it, start a thread of your own to introduce yourself. We could get to know you better that way.

Take care, hang in there...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/10/2012 1:33 AM (GMT 0)

Timeheals said...
Hi,
I'm new here as well and found the topic similar to what i am experiencing with my best friend. She recently had a boyfriend and i guess i feel that our friendship has never been the same again. To make things harder for me, i am renting a room in my friend's house so i see her with her boyfriend most of the time. And i want to be happy for her but deep inside i just couldn't let go of her right now. In a way, i am trying to pull away from her so i wouldn't get hurt, which is wrong i know. I just don't know how i can show my support for her if i hurt inside. :(

sometimes it makes me think that maybe its really better to go out, find fun people who can be flexible to be extrovert sometimes, and those who can give you advices, won't judge and wont leave you til you're ok. (unfortunately, that are all the qualities my good friend have who is getting married)
Posted 12/11/2012 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Karen for making me feel welcome here. =)
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