I started to remember why I feel grotesque sometimes

Since I was a child, my mom made me feel that way, the way she looked at me,like with pity and anger telling me: "you are so stupid" when I said something I didn't have to, or when someone took advantage of me at school or whatever. When he knew I liked any boy, if I was smiling or 'happy', she yelled at me in front of him, I felt I was ridiculous for 'flirting' or for being happy because the boy was there. She just yell like saying shut up and go to your room. I felt very ugly, weird. I still remember that look and I still feel that feeling in my stomach. I grew up very insecure, very submissive, extremely sensitive.

When I was in university there was a teacher who liked making fun of people, it was not only with me but it affected me so much. I'm very tall, like 5 11, and he used to call me names and made fun of me in front of my classmates, and they laughed a lot, I was like, why? He's making fun of me why are you celebrating? They were not funny, slight jokes, they were strong words, a mocking smile, with his voice so loud and making me feel I was a character of a circus. Of course my sel esrteem was in zero and I never confornted him. One time, another teacher said: raise your hand, I did it and he said: oh you are almost 6.5 right? He started laughing. I hated being like that.

I know maybe it sounds superficial, but, I still remember that and I still feel the same way. I feel extremely grotesque, I don't feel feminine, when a guy starts to feel interested in me, I feel like a tomboy trying to seem nice.

I know I am not like that, many guys and people tell me very beautiful things, but I do believe it, so much, when a guy is interested in me, sometimes I've felt even compassion for him, like "I'm a grotesque and disgusting, why are you here?"

It's sad.

Hiya gg
Your mum possibly picked up that behaviour from being treated in the self same way, her nurture was in deficit, at the time she knew no better. She chose to follow the path she knew but unfortunately she had had a poor guide herself and has probably secretly had similar feelings to your own. It is sometimes difficult to show our pain to loved ones espeicially if we believe we have to be the strong ones and we feel so weak. As long as you have fairly good moral integrity you can find the strength in your own right
sal

You welcome GG, I know it work for you. remember it will take time.
Peace out
Trina