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Posted 1/9/2013 8:11 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

I have not posted for a long time. But am struggling alot. I have been over the past year. I have been hospitalized three times, and have been self harming alot. I am alone and need some advice on what to do. I am set up for an EVI next week and i will have to talk in depth about the sexual abuse and rape i got from my stepfather, who took his own life on 09/11/11. Im crap scared about it!

My nan passed away after eight years of fighting cancer, on the 13/11/12. I miss her terribly and i just want her back. She was my rock. I have nightmares, intrusive thoughts, am on pills, and intensive councilling yet i am so down and i seems i am not going anywhere.

I need help. I dont know how to ask for it, I have no one to talk to. The only thing currently keeping me alive is my boyfriend. We have been together since the start of this year. He keeps me alive. He is pressuring me abit though to do things i dont know i wanna do. But uultimately, i will do anything at the moment to recieve the love and affection and kind workd he gives me.

I am being flooded with the worlds problems and im not sure i can cope much longer. I have had many encounters with the police due to running away and am over everything to be honest.

I feel beyond repair, ashamed, miserable and fed up. I dont know what to live for and im almost ready to give up.

My brother almost took his own life due to his problems with his son and im so scared for him it is not even funny. I have alot of friends contemplating this, and i dont know what to do about it anymore. I iscolate myself from the world, cry myself to sleep, write morbid plans and poetry and am just so depressed.

Im lifeless and it seems as if i am existing more than living.

I have hidden so much of my past where i dont have to deal with it, and it is coming back up again and i dont know if i can keep pushing it away,. The effort it takes is too much.

I cannot see myself being successful. Going into form 5 this year, i will struggle alot. i will be an outcast. I missed too much school last year.

Please, anyone, im on the edge of it all, please, advice or whatever, I need your help. :(

Jess

Posted 1/9/2013 12:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jess,

I am glad tht you are posting again.  I am sorry for what you are going through.  As you know we can't discuss suicide or self harm here.  But here are some resources.

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
SuicidalTeens.com

I hope that things get better for you soon.  You have been through a lot. 

Don't do anything you don't want to with your boyfriend.  Just be you.  If he don't like that, well that is his problem.

I am sorry to hear that your grandmother died.  I know how much you loved her.  She is looking over you now though.  I beilieve that.

Take care and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/9/2013 2:28 PM (GMT 0)
I was wondering about you Jess, so very sorry about your Nanna, you have my sympathies on that and for now try to take things just one day at a time, don't be so focused on the world problems, but think of all the good you can do by talking with your brother and friends and being here for them, that is so important, you need to be here for them, they do love you and need you.
Ask your counselor if you could try a different medicine, there are many medications out there you have to find the one that'll work better for you, so speak up if the medicines are not helping...
Many well wishes, do keep us posted we do care and I was thinking of you....
Posted 1/9/2013 4:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jess,

I know how scared you are about next week.

I was abused by both parents and both siblings. It is horrible to think about let alone describe.

Stay strong through the therapy, when you come out the other side, you will be so amazed at your strength and the brightness of the light. Some of the darkness that encompasses you now will be gone. It may take a few days, however you will notice it.

Jess, when you feel down in that hole, HOLD ICE CUBES UNTIL IT HURTS. This will bring you back to reality and calm your thoughts.
This skill has saved me many times from Crisis centers and doing things that are harmful. PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY.

Re-read Karen's advice and only do what you are comfortable doing. You are in charge of you and your body. Set your boundries.

Stay strong and I wish you Peace
Trina
Posted 1/9/2013 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks all for the support here. Karen, i think i will flick you an email. I just dont know if i can cope much longer with hearing all these things about my mates. Its heartbreaking, sitting and watching them do the crap they are. Thank you for the advice Trina, i will try that.
Had enough of everything. Had enough. Truely. Anyone looking for someone to cheer up? Im the girl :(

Jess
Posted 1/10/2013 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
WOW you really need some more positive things in your life. Hopefully you can receive positive things with your boyfriend, you dont want to run him away. It soulds like he is good for you. I have found that reading these posts and trying to offer helpful things makes me feel good about me. try taking the things you feel and helping others. Try some new hobbies, try meditation. Meditation can be very powerful when done correctly. I have been hearing about this and Im going to start. I may even start going to a yoga class. Believe me its so hard to have others tell you to try new things and do this and do that. We all have this illness and we all suffer differently. What works for one does not for the other. thats why we all post things to get new ideas. Maybe you and your boyfriend can do these things together, it can only be good. :)
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