How to cope when your best friend has a boyfriend

Your'e welcome Timeheals,

Keep posting, know that we care. Sometimes pulling away is our only form of self preservation. Just don't pull away completely. I hope that things are working out.

Hugs...

I have been through this myself on more than one occasion. I think it is a natural process as we grow we change and we meet new people. The thing is that you have to get out and live your life too. A true friend will always be there in the end. I met my best friend 20 years ago. We were really close for a long time, but as we grew things changed. She ended up getting married and moving away. It was hard for me, but I knew that she was still a phone call away. I moved on with my life too, getting married and having kids too. We didn't talk for years but each of us still knew that that the other was still just a phone call away. After a time, she ended up moving back and all of a sudden I started getting emails form her. We started hanging out again and it was just like we had never spent those years apart. Then unfortunately, she moved again, and like before, I know that she is still my BFF and is always just a phone call away. We dont talk alot but we have a special friendship that I know will last the test of time. ..

I hope that my story helps. The moral of the story being that a true friendship does endure and that change and growth are normal and to be expected an any long-term friendship.

Be well and dont forget to keep your self open to having new friendships.

Hello Karen!

Apparently my previous post was all inside the quote box, sorry about that..I'm new to these forums..
As for what Desertaquarius said, I guess everything would turn out in some way like your story. But the hardest part for me is accepting that I am not going to be her "go to" person anymore..and basically this is going to prevent me from opening up to her..and it's all just so complicated because we live together. Moving out at this point is really not an option :S

Change happens, it is an enevitable part of life. A good friendship will last with love and acceptance on both sides. Look for the good and try to be happy for your friend. Tread lightly and treat your friend as you would like to be treated (with love and aceptance). Try to be good to yourself too and don't close your heart to your other friends or the posibility of having new friends in your life. Don't limmit yourself. At least your friend is there and not like my friend who now lives two states away.

You know, I believe that everyone is special in their own light. I believe that we each have a great potentiall to be both teachers and students. I think it is important that we not limmit ourselves to our own little circles or clicks. I think it is important to look outside the box and to seek and embrace others who come into our life. Being both a teacher and a student, there may be someone out there that needs you, someone who could benifit from your light and experience. The opposite is also true. When we cling to one mindset, or to one person, we are closing ourself off from all the great opportunities that this world has to offer.

Over the years I have met so many different kinds of people (the good, the bad, and the ugly LOL). And as im getting older I am learning that life is so short. Im thankfull for all the people I meet. I may not leave my house often, but when I do, I wonder if I will have the opportunity to meet a new friend. I wonder if I will be a student or a teacher. I am open to the possibilities...

Do take care and be well (hug)

I wish you could focus more on school. Sounds like she may be getting on with the boyfriend. I am sorry. Try to focus on your studies, this is very important for you.

Take care, take it one day at a time. You may get your friend back, you may not, I don't know. Work on you now. Get better.

Hugs, Karen

Because it sounds like she has a boyfriend and she is moving on. You may always remain friends, or things might change. Life changes a lot as time goes on. I wish you the best...

Hi, I’m new here, and I’m kind of glad to read that I’m not the only one who’s getting so depressed because her best friend has a boyfriened… I was thinking that something is wrong with me… But it’s just so hard… :( My best friend and I have been friends for 10 years. We’re in our early 20’s, so I’d say that’s a long time. We got along so well from the moment we met. It’s just… sometimes you just feel so comfortable around a person, and that was the case with her. She’s become my everything and I realize I’ve become way too attached to her, but it just happened… We spend so much time together, even if we don’t see each other every day anymore, we still chat every evening for hours. The longest we haven’t seen each other in those 10 years have been for 4 weeks during summer holidays, and even then we kept exchanging mails.
And now she has a boyfriend… actually they’ve only been together for a week now. But they’ve known each other for longer. Almost three years now, though they never spent much time together. She studied at a private college and he moved from another city to here to study there, too. They became sort of friends and she had started to develop some romantic feelings for him back then, but then he moved back to his hometown for internships and he never called her nor did he ever write.
The only times she heard from him were those when he was back in town for a few days. Once he had left he’d never call again, so whatever feelings she had for him ended, she was upset, rightly so, and said him and her, that could NEVER be. But now he’s been back in town for about two months for their finals and they started to spend time together again. She said she feels like he wants more from her, but she’s not sure about herself, she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for him, but she doesn’t wanna break his heart by telling him no, and she was so desperate to be in love and in a relationship, she never had one before, so she kept saying that feelings might develop with time. And apparently they have.

He asked her to go with him and another friend to his hometown to get his new car, which meant that she would spend the night at his place. They weren’t a couple at that point yet. The weather was really bad, it was extremely cold and there was snow and ice on the roads and his town is at the other side of the country… Her mom got worried and told her she’d rather not have her go, and so did I. I said she could go another time, they wanted to do some sight-seeing, the weather was just really stupid for such a thing, anyway… She agreed with us, it was reasonable after all. But when she told him she wouldn’t come he kept making her feel bad about it by saying ‘ok… if you can live with the knowledge that you made me terribly sad’ and stuff like that, and when she still said she was very sorry, but she really couldn’t go this time, but she promised she would go another time with him, he got so *****y and pissed that he stopped talking to her altogether. At that she got so desperate and cried that she had just ended a relationship before it even really began, and then she was so afraid of losing him that she told him she would come no matter what her mom has to say about it. And she did go. A day after they came back from the trip she told me that they’re a couple now…

But here comes the worst of it all: So they’ve been together for a week and she tells me she wants to start an internship at the agency where he works… which is in his hometown. It would start in March, so she’d be leaving in about a month already. She’s gonna move in with him, then. I mean… what??? I just don’t know how to feel about this! I want to be happy for her but… how the hell am I expected to feel happy about this?? She told me this online last night… and I couldn’t stop crying. Cried myself to sleep and when I woke up I just started crying again… It’s hard enough to lose her to a boyfriend, but now she wants to move away, too, and it’s so far away, we couldn’t see each other anymore!! I feel so helpless I just don’t know what to do!! :(

PS. Sorry about the long text, I just didn't know how to make it any shorter. There's so much more to tell *sigh*

Post Edited (CatOfTheCanals) : 1/26/2013 10:37:54 PM (GMT-7)

Hello Karen,

thank you for your kind reply. I know everything you said is right, but it's still so hard to let her go... My life is a total mess right now. I've gained a lot of weight and I feel really unhappy about that, I had to watch my childhood cat die, I just finished college but I now I can't find a job and for months I've been living with the knowledge that my mom is cheating on my dad. My best friend was the only good thing left in my life. When I spend time with her I can forget about all my troubles for a while, it makes me feel better. But now she wants to leave me and she doesn't even seem to care the least bit about it. Like... she's only thinking about how excited it would be in a new citiy with her new boyfriend. She doesn't waste a thought of all the friends, family... and me.. she's leaving behind. That just hurts. I have bad blood values (is that the right word?), too, so that only makes my depression worse. I have a thyroid hypofunction and I'm just sooo close to having anemia, but because I'm 'only' very very close but I don't have the exact blood values necessary to call it that yet, no doctor is giving me medication to help me. Now my friend leaving feels just like the cherry on top of all the crap...

I know I should go out more to meet new people and make new friends, but I honestly don't know how. I feel so bad that I feel like staying in bed all day and never leaving the house anymore... And I've always been a shy person, I never know what to say when I meet new people. I'm not so awkward and shy when I know the people better, but when I just met them... I'm really having a hard time to make conversation, I just never know what to say. And I don't even know where to meet people. I graduated from college, so I can't meet people there. I don't have a job right now, so I can't try making friends amongst my collegues. And besides, they'd most likely be quite a lot older than me from my experiences during my internships... I try to spend more time with the only two other friends I have besides my best friend, but it's just not the same, and they don't always have time, and I just don't wanna lose her :( And I've started to really dislike this guy, and it's not because he's taking her away from me, but because he is really manipulative and she doesn't even see that...

CatOfTheCanals -
here's an example. i worked 3 yrs side by side in a company with a co-worker. we were the same age and talked alot. his wife was in my real line of work and got a new job. he told me her job was open and even gave me a copy of the resume she used to get her new job. i applied and didn't get it. at some point we both left the company for different reasons. about 6 months later i called him, just so see how things were going. he wouldn't talk. he said ' i don't recognize the name'. as hard as i tried to remind him of things he wouldn't recognize me.

the point is some people move forward with their lives and do not look back or care about former friends. it's nothing personal, it's just the way they are. i move forward but do look back. i'm 63 yrs old. i lived alot of places growing up, spent 20 years in the military going from place to place and have lived in alot of places after retiring. i try contacting old friends from time to time and usually get a hi, bye reaction. i've come to the conclusion that most people live in the present and don't think or care about the past. it's nothing personal. it's just the way alot of people are.

in conclusion, forget those that want to be forgotten, remember those that want to be remembered, and move forward.

I think it is because this forum is about helping people with depression. So far you have mostly posted about your friend. You need to work on you...

Oh I got you... I hope that you are having a nice holiday weekend...

Hugs, Karen...

Hello. :) I was searching on google about some ways on coping up with your bestfriend having a boyfriend, then I came across this forum. I am going through the same situation that you guys are going/have gone through. My bestfriend was my ride or die and my other half. When she told me about this guy trying to be with her, I got mixed emotions. Sad, happy, scared, confident, literally mixed emotions. I was sad knowing that she surely would talk to me less, happy knowing that there will always be someone to make her happy, scared that she would just treat me as a random friend of hers, and confident that even if we're miles away, there's always somebody that she could run to during tough times (me and my bestfriend live in different countries) It's been more than a year since we parted ways. She kept saying that I will always be her bestfriend no matter what happens, and that she was just extremely busy that's why she's having difficulty in finding time to talk to me. I believe her, cause I witnessed how busy her whole life was, especially she's in college and about to graduate next year.

When she met this guy, she barely answered my messages, and she's holding her phone ALL THE TIME when we're talking through skype. She tells me that she never forgets me, but i just feel the opposite of that. She asked me if her having a boyfriend is okay with me. I didn't know what to say. "Seeing you happy is all I want. I love you." were the words I ended up saying. She felt happy and bad at the same time, knowing that it's not okay deep inside me.

Although it's true that seeing her happy is what I desire, seeing her happy without me crushes my heart bigtime. Help me guys? I'm sorry it's kinda long. Thank you. :)

Hi Karen. Thank you for your response. I will never love her any less. She was there for me through thick and thin. I just probably have to accept that nothing is permanent in this world. Later on she'll get married and have her own family. I understand that things change and there's nothing I can do about it. It just makes me sad and miss the happy times.

getting by said...
Hi Betty,

Welcome to the forum. You will always be best friends, even if you don't talk. You will always be in her heart. That is the way it is. Have faith that the two of you will talk again, and probably on a regular basis. If time allows. One day you will meet somebody and fall in love. Then you will know what she is going through. You wont love her any less.

I hope you find peace...

Hugs, Karen...