It never goes away

I've been here a few years ago along with my shadow friend depression somehow I just can't seem to loose it . Even though many times I have tried but we are still together .
No doubt a lifelong shadow .
There has been so much going on over the past few years but this one must top it all it started with the arrival of a new granddaughter who was ten days over due but the problem was we were staying with the inlaws at the time ,I don't mind my inlaws have always had a great relationship with them but this time they were arguing so much I just didn't want to be there only reason I was is my daughter wanted me to be with her for the birth of the baby.
The day following the birth I headed On my way a mere 750km drive . It took so long to drive there as I wasn't sure I want to be there .
Then to find out I need major surgery on my hip and the thought of another anaesthetic scared me so much just having my face covered was too much .
Then to receive even worse news my older sister now has been diagnosed with breast cancer ,so far my mothers uncle, my mother ,my younger sisters daughter and now my oldest daughter all having breast cancer .and one wonders why I'm depressed beyond belief .
I am just so lucky to have a wonderful councillor without her I don't know where I would be .
One thing that has been good is I write on my iPad everything that's getting me down no matter how large or small it may be but writing it down helps gets it out of my head .

Snowflake,

first I would like to share with you what a nutristionist told me. 1-3 mushrooms a day will give you a 90% reduction in getting breast cancer.

Fresh mushrooms from the produce area of the store are the best, I put raw ones in my sandwiches, slice them on top of pizza, throw them in soup, put them in lasagna, the ideas are endless!

It is nice to meet you and welcome back to the forum. Are you taking D3 for the depression? I take 2000 iu a day helps alot.

Peace
Trina

That's the sad thing about this illness. Its here ALWAYS. There are times that should be wonderful but the darkness inside threatens to eclipse it all. Even our positive thoughts can be kind of negative, as my therapist pointed out.
You have access to the best depression zapper, newborn baby. Something about the smell of their little heads has a calming effect, at least for me. Brings back memories of when my kids were babies and despite how depressed I was then, I can look back now and see the joy there. Now if they could just bottle that smell. My nephew was born this past September, 6 days before my birthday, and I had him to myself for a few days while he was receiving antibiotics in Memphis after he breathed in amniotic fluids during his delivery and my sister had to have a blood transfusion. I was the only one available to be there with him and it was the most peaceful, wonderful gift I could have asked for.
So, yes, depress is our own personal boogeyman but we have the power to take some of the darkness away. I know your an old pro at depression so I'll say congrats for the new grandbaby and you know you have everyone here for support.

My therapist recently got me to start journaling about my depression because I, like you, don't like to share my depression. Writing it out helps. You get it out and on your bad days that journal is a trophy. You've beaten this before and you will continue to do so.
When I'm in that spot where I start avoiding people and don't want to talk my husband or my best friend force me up and out. Its good for me, as much as I may fight it. Its hard to be depressed when someone is willing to give up their day to force you to be happy.
Continue to vent here, it always helps to know that others know how you feel and offer you sympathy. I know when I feel that cloud rolling in I put in my music and just jam. Who cares if I'm in my pjs and dancing around to 80's music if that cheers me up?
My little nephew inherited my "projectile spit up" tactic. My nickname as a baby was "Milkshake machine" because I would spit up and it would go across the room and he does it, too. He's also a gassy baby! I remember it seemed like everytime I was holding him in the hospital he was pooting away and that hasn't changed. He's a darling boy. He doesn't fuss; he likes to just watch his sister and brother. Makes me wish I had another one.

I am sorry that you are going through so much right now Jane, I know how stressed it gets when your daughter is there. I am sorry for all that is going on around you. I hope everybody will be okay. Just remember to take care of you through all of this.

How have you been feeling? I remember you struggling so. I hope things are better with your health.

Take care sweetie, keep posting, it helps.

Talk to you again soon.

Hugs, Karen

Karen if I did write what has been happening in here it would not be printed if you know what I mean .
Life has been a real struggle in more way than enough . I have my up and my deep downs I have a lovely councillor who I there for me when it all gets too much .
One day I just could not take anything more my husband took off in the car I decided I wasn't going to stay home with the daughter so I went for a walk no where in particular and ignoring the mobile ringing in my pocket I just kept on walking then all of a sudden I stopped there was the main road I had walked 25km it was not until I stopped that I realised I was in so much pain . I rang my older daughter to come get me as I couldn't walk any more .she could not believe I walked all that way .when I got home I had a shower and went to bed a few minutes later my councillor was beside my bed .
I have not been able to walk more than five kilometres since and these past ten months walking around the house is as far as I get . I'm hoping the surgery in may will fix the problem .
Since then I have had many days I would rather not be here but for my grandson . But then also my family just uses me as a baby sitter and the rest of the time I never see them . Now with this new granddaughter I have made up my mind she is their child they care for her not me .
Tomorrow I'm seeing a dr to have all my meds reviewed as I know the depression ones have not worked for ages . I just get fed up with seeing drs the two I see are a ten hour drive just to get to see them it causes more pain just tilting in the car for that length of time but I know I need the surgery so need to see them.
Snowflake
Jane

Hi Karen,
Hey you didn't get older the world is just moving too fast these days it takes me ages to get anywhere especially on these crutches . Today we took the little girl I care for along with my grandson and his baby sister to the park . There is no way on gods earth that I will take him on my own that boy has no fear what ever at two and a half he even water skis but today he had so many falls from about two to three meters high ,just jumps up and says "whoopsie " then goes and does it again I actually filmed him on one occasion I told my daughter if he falls don't throw the baby on the ground and rush to him you don't need two in an ambulance hurt. Thank The Lord we survived unhurt . We walked across the road what a sight me on crutches and my daughter carrying the baby with the other two hanging on . I told her I was not going to cross the road again she had to drive the car over and pick me up I was too exhausted. Thankfully all the kiddies had a good sleep when we got home .
Having them around does take my mind from my problems but by the end of the day I sit in bed with them all flooding back in .
Christmas was a very difficult time I have never heard my in laws argue in the 35years I have known them but I had to walk out I could not take any more it just flooded back to what it was like or me as a child . Then my husband went back to our home 700km away he didn't even say good bye but he left the daughter I don't get along with for me to take home I was so mad I wouldn't talk to him. I was glad the in laws had to drive out to our town for a family function they took her . I stayed with my older daughter until she had the baby but as soon as her partner turned up I was brushed aside like a bit of trash . The following morning I was going home I wasn't going to even say goodbye to my daughter just go but she asked me to one up but it was the same as the day before I said I was going home then she was upset but I wasn't staying . That trip home was the longest one I have ever driven I kept stopping along the road in tears thinking if I even want to go home it took me 13 hours to drive a trip it would of normally taken 7. To this day I don't know why I even came back.
My councillor is just around the corner we meet in her rooms or out near the water area sometimes she is lovely and has kept me here when I would of easily slipped away.
Snowflake
Jane

Evening Karen ,
(It is in my home ) Last night was not a good one but today had a wonderful meeting with the dr it took over an hour most meds have been increased and some have changed I got a few answers and have to have some more testing done which I hope will give me a few more answers so here's hoping.
Tonight I had a big blow up with my daughter she is just so lazy and I'm in too much pain to keep this up . I thought I was going to have a quiet day but then my other daughter came down with the baby and the little girl I look after came also I was so pleased to see them both go home . Then hubby asked or hinted I should say that it's been ages since I make rock cakes for him so then I set about making them I didn't mind because I was on my own he was up the back yard fixing my sons boat but was down as soon as he smelt them baking boy my kids must all have great noses as they all ended up here. Hubby will have a few more for himself as I'm on a diet and so is my daughter that lives here but I think hers is (more a see food and eat it diet ).
Tomorrow I'm looking forward to having some acupuncture I have it each week it helps with the pain but I really get the benefit the day after. I have been having it for over two years now and so look forward to it .
Then on Friday hubby and youngest son are off to have the boat registered its a three hundred drive one way to do that I'm sending them with my shopping list as I don't want to go ,it just causes too much pain .
I do hope it's not too cold over your side of this great planet I think our seasons are almost opposite with the summer heat here and snow there . Lucky for us we have only had a couple of weeks of really hot weather but desperately need rain . It's very dry for our gardens .
Jane

Karen , I gave up looking after the baby kangaroos a few years ago its just so hard with my arthritis and in the end the countless arguments with my daughter over them made the final decision . I have had a few come in but quickly get them to someone else.
The only pets we have here now is my goldfish ,two dogs one a Great Dane and a border collie the latter belonging to my daughter and I have a bearded dragon who is so fat my little grandson brings down jars of bugs they catch in their garden he loves to watch them get eaten and I breed crickets for her to eat also.
Now I have two bird baths out in my big front garden I just love to sit back and watch the great variety of birds come down for a drink or bath just this morning the family of little kingfishers ,a spotted bower bird,a fryer bird and many different honey eaters have been down for their morning dip already. When my little grandson is here he sits so still at the window and watches them too .
Yesterday ended up in such a mess I had everyone here my kids the little girl I look after and the grand kids too . Then in the afternoon my daughter turns up with the baby screaming and the little fellow in tears ,my daughter was so flustered as both apparently the baby was dropped by the grandson ,then the grandson was out on a swing fell and hit his head really hard on the concrete . The three of them survived I kept the baby with me while she went home and cooked their dinner the baby was fine she slept the whole time it was that they were all so upset that the baby would not settle but with a cuddle from her nanny she was fine . I was a wreck by the end of the day as the daughter living with us has caused so many problems . But at least for now I am able to talk to my hubby as to how I feel about the events going on around me and how they have been effecting me , I have not been able to talk like this to him for a very long time . For some reason trouble just seems to follow me .
Jane

Hi Karen and all,
After all of yesterday's fiascos I thought that today was going to be a bit quieter. What possessed me to think that I have no idea .
The grand kiddies and their mum turn up around eight am I'm so tired I got up when hubby was leaving at five stupid me stayed up.
I was tired before the day started and the 2 1/2 yr old was so full of energy but didn't let up until he woke the baby . So I set the little one up with play dough and a box of cutters and shapes he has a wonderful time until my daughter who lives with me meddled in it then the play dough was everywhere . Ok bed time only a little trouble convincing him he was tired but nanny 1 ( that's what he calls me as his other nan lives here in the same town ) had to lie down with him . It was such a struggle to stay awake for the five minutes it took him to nod off. Then when I come out the baby is handed to me that's ok bub and I have an agreement if she hug me she can stay with me it works wonderful we sit for about an hour but then I had to move as I was in too much pain by this time miss four weeks has been asleep for a while so I just lay her on my chair so she can continue sleeping .
All day through this my daughter has been causing so many arguments so when she goes o the dr I quickly clean up while the rug bugs are asleep . Their mum takes them home around half four as I have a meeting with the councillor. There we natter away sometime in tears some in laughter am going to see if hubby will come to next meeting the dr I saw on Wednesday said he needs to know a few things . I just have to find the right time to ask him.
I've decided not to go to my sisters house as even though she wanted me to visit after her surgery it will cause too much anxiety and not to mention the pain the councillor fully agrees and helped me decide . I will ring my sister and talk more but the trip just about the other side of the state is out of the question until I have my surgery ..
I was just so glad we didn't do anymore graded exposure today I couldn't take any more just yet .
Hope all are warm and well.
Jane