Hi
Let the past go. Shift your focus to the now. "Now" is all their really is... the rest is just mental noise.
When bad thoughts come up about the past.... just say " oh that thought again".... it has no power... unless I react to it. Give the thought space... its not you.
Remember depression is an illness. Do not blame anybody, including youself.
I have had luck with the early drugs from the 1950's... Parnate and nardil. They are called MAOI's. It took me just three days to feel much better on Parnate.
This class on drugs requires a special diet. Some doctors will not presribe them anymore...BUT they do work. The only food restrictions
I follow are NO chesse, wine, soy, or tap beer. Their is a new MAOI out that you wear as a patch with no food restrictions at low dose.
DO NOT GIVE UP. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.
JC