HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Molestation

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 6/3/2013 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
Ok Guys,

I need some help here. I saw my counselor today and I really dug deep. I have no self confidence, self-esteem,self-admiration or anything for myself. I treat myself like dirt and allow others to treat me like dirt too.

And, it all stems from my molestation by a family member when I was 14. It only happened once but that is all it took to take it all away from me.

I am a 42 year old woman with kids and a master's degree and here I am wallowing away in my misery. I'm still allowing my molester to win control over me and my life.

How do I stop this? I know it is totally irrational. I know it is just plain stupid. But how do I put it in its place? I will never "get over it" I know. But I have to learn how to put it on a shelf. Allow it to be a part of me but not all of me. It is totally ruining my life.

I don't have a woman in my life that is "strong" and self confident. All of my role models in my life have been weak. They've allowed people to walk all over them too. So, I don't have someone to "model" myself by.

I feel so alone. AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. I don't want anyone to win but me!!!!!!

Once I can deal with me, then I can deal with other relationships in my life. But I am first and I know this.

So, how to you learn to live with something so traumatic?

Any help is appreciated!
Michele
Posted 6/3/2013 10:03 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Michele,

If I could wave a wand and make all go away for you I would. I am 52 and still dealing with my demons as well.

All I can say it the best thing I have found so far is mindfulness and CBT. reversing those automatic negative thought patterns we have in our heads.

It is not easy, it just takes time and diligence on our part.

You are a good person and it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! You can get through this. Hang on you are stronger than the memories.

Peace and courage
Trina
Posted 6/3/2013 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Trina. It is so hard since I truly never knew myself before the rape. How can a 14 year old really know themselves, ya know?

I need a strong role model in my life to get strength from. And I consider you and Karen new role models to me. You face things head on and try, best we can, to conquer them- what more could I ask for?

I love your statement that I am stronger than the memories. I just want my innocence, my self-worth, my self-esteem.

Thank you for being you!
Michele
Posted 6/3/2013 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
Most of the time Michele, I am shaking in my boots so to speak. The only thing I can do is take life one day at a time. Everyday is a new day. A chance to try again. I don't get a lot accomplished. I cant' say no to people, I let them walk all over me. I find if I avoid them, they don't have the opportunity. So we are all a work in progress. We are all trying everyday. We push the demons aside one more day. And then we move on to the next. But we keep trying.

I want for you to learn to love yourself. You are a very worthy person. Like Trina said, nothing was your fault. Know you are worthwhile and loveable. Allow yourself that. Keep your chin up and dust yourself off each day and take a few more steps. You can make it. We are right here with you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/4/2013 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Carl the Wizard-

I am no superwoman. All of what you list is truth except the self-esteem part. When people look at me on the outside, they see a self-confident woman. But inside it is completely different. I've learned to fool people around me so that I am not a burden. I also protect my inner self because I am afraid to get hurt. I am still the 14 year old girl that got raped. I'm playing the 42 year old mom and wife and teacher. I feel many times that I am in a movie. I keep up appearances and I come home behind my closed bedroom door and just break apart. Then I pull myself together and leave my room to tackle my next challenge of the day.

I think my poor husband likes working the hours he does so he doesn't have to put up with the complex woman/girl that I am. I very very rarely open up to him about the past and my depression- he just doesn't know what to do with it. I think he just wants me to "get over it" and I am stuck- I can't- It's not that easy as we all know.

I love what your wife made you say to yourself. That is very powerful and shows how much she cares about you. I envy that and would love to develop that with my husband. I guess I just need to tell him how to deal with me- what I want and need so that he can give it to me. I think he guesses a lot and he gets it wrong. Crap, at times I don't have a clue what I need- maybe I just need to be held and cradled like a little girl.

I truly don't know how to reclaim my esteem and confidence. It is so foreign to me and I have no idea what it looks like. Sadly today all of this break through stuff came at the end of counseling so we didn't get to explore it too much.

I know one thing I can do and that is to change my "self-talk". I continually call myself stupid and dumb. I continually put myself down. I know that if I can change just this aspect of me, I will begin to feel better about myself.

See, I know what to do!! And that is what is so frustrating to me- why don't I just do it? Why am I continually allowing myself to be tortured?

It may be time after 28 years to finally get angry and move on..... thoughts?

Sorry I rambled so much- I have so many thoughts running through my head today.

Love to all-
Michele
Posted 6/4/2013 12:11 AM (GMT 0)
Michele,

Don't call yourself stupid or dumb. You have a lot to contend with. You are doing the best that you can. We don't expect miracles over night. And that is okay... Try to do it one day at a time. Give yourself a break... You are good people, that is what matters. You aren't stupid or dumb. You are a very intelligent person. Give yourself some credit. Give yourself a break... You really need to do this.

Know that you are loved here...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/4/2013 1:53 AM (GMT 0)
I am a 47 year old woman with kids, grand kids, and a master's degree and I am right there with you, but mine was more than one time and by more than one person, you see my mother was married 11 times and we had more uncles that later turned into step dad than i can count. My mother was mental and drank like a fish, she was very abusive and the men she attracted were abusive in more than one way. I am the 2nd to the youngest of 14 kids and only 2 have the same father..

I wish I knew what to say to help you move past this, but it seems that even when you think you have , it is hiding there to pop up again over and over. I have way to many fears all from my childhood. Can't step into a shower because that was one way my mother punished me was to make me stand with my face up and straight cold water until my lips would turn color then I was pulled out and left to stand in the cold air to dry no towel.. It sucks that after all this time I still associate the shower with being bad.

Anyway sorry to ramble on about me. got off on a side track there.

I wish I could tell you how to move on.
Posted 6/4/2013 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Carl, I shouldn't have rambled on about me in Mustangs thread , Sorry Mustang. Sad part is that isn't even the tip of my ice burg.
Posted 6/4/2013 11:27 AM (GMT 0)
Oh No Wendy- Ramble on! It helps to know that I am not alone. There have been many many times in my past that I thought I "dealt with it". But then one day, it creeps up. I can't stand a shower or getting my face wet because the man who raped me held my head under water one time. I can totally relate to what you are saying.

We could be sisters! My mom didn't get married but she man hopped as I call it. We moved 25 times in my school life- I don't have life long friends.

Carl- maybe there is more truth in what you speak than I've faced before. Maybe I do just need to believe and let it flow forth. Maybe for some reason I am just scared of being confident. I can't imagine why?.?.?.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, ideas and support! I truly feel blessed to have you all in my life!

Michele
Posted 6/4/2013 11:36 AM (GMT 0)
Now that I have dried my tears and sucked it up. I would like to suggest a book that will help us all with self-care and self-love.

I would like to thank everyone for there posting here, venting is what we do best and support each other.

The book is "Abounding Grace - An anthology of Wisdom" by M. Scott Peck. M. D.

easy read, positive quotes from hundreds of people, across the centuries categorized for you. I find it very helpful when the automatic negative thoughts come invading, I just open this book and go to the chapter say, on "courage" and read for a while. Next thing you know, I am feeling a bit better.

It is one of the tools I use to do the work, we all need to do to defeat our monsters.

Peace All.
Trina
Posted 6/4/2013 11:39 AM (GMT 0)
Michele,

you are welcome, and I understand how you feel, I am just glad to be here and help anyway I can.

I myself and dealing with my younger me at the moment. It is scarey and awesome at the same time. All I can say is self-love is the key, it seems to be the only thing that makes the fear go away.

Peace my friend
Trina
Posted 6/4/2013 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Michele,

I think forgiving can play a major role in moving forward. But then again, how can your forgive someone who have done something so bad to you? It's hard. I don't really like to talk about forgiving since for some reason I can't forget or forgive.
Know that whatever happened was not your fault. Maybe you can look at things at a different perspective. See what you learned from it and how it have made you become a better person.

I know drawing out the traumatic event is something a therapist can do to help you deal with the trauma. Not sure what your therapist have planned for you next as you said this break-through happened at the end of your session.

My therapist did somethings called Internal Family Systems with em a while about when I was dealing with certain things and I was very frustrated and confused and everything. It;s something we can do ourselves. Not sure if thing may be helpful to you. It's about talking to the different parts of yourself. I know it sounds weird. Lol. You can research it online to learn more.

I hope you can feel better and please stop begin so hard on yourself. Remember to stay positive as well.

UA
Posted 6/4/2013 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Mustang,
We could be sisters , I moved more times as a kid than I could even count and I know two time we moved Christmas Eve , Santa never found where we went either *Sigh* But I survived. I Hope you find some peace from this torment , it is hard to deal with .

Trina , I will check out the book, it can't hurt.. Ty
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply