Wasted Life

Yes, I know I could have it worse but you don't have my brain. I am tired of failing, I am tired of failed relationships, I am tired of losing friends, I am tired of having to talk to complete strangers for my problems and I am very tired of being on my 3rd try of medication and it not working!!!! I am a 29 year old female, longest relationship 5 months, never have been happy in a relationship. Every job I have had I either almost get fired, quit because I suck at it or get laid off. Last week, I was given a great job opportunity for it to be quickly taken away from me because of an unsatisfactory review at a former job. The day I thought I had that great job, I put in my 2 weeks at a job I almost got fired at (put on a 30 day probation period) and laid off at another. When I tried to get the job back at the place I put it in my 2 weeks it was to late, not like I got any hours anyways (appx 4 hrs a week). People tell me to be confident and optimistic and that confidence is everything. How the hell am I supposed to be confident and optimistic when the same crap keeps happening over and over and over. I am not a bad person, I guess I just make stupid decisions without thinking it through. I feel like time is running out for marriage/kids/finding a career path. It's ironic because I am so afraid of death because I don't know where the after life is going to take me, but at the same time, I feel ready for death. I think suicide is wrong in many ways but at the same time I understand why people do it. If I didn't care about my family and friends as much as I do and wasn't afraid of death I'd probably kill myself. I don't really feel like I impact anybody that positive and have anything to offer this world. Depression is a disorder, I can't help the way I think. Pills just mask how I really feel. I also suffer with anxiety and ADD. I am at my breaking point and turn to alcohol and sleep for a temporary "cure". I have been in bed for the past 2 days. The first day with a massive hangover because I drank almost half a handle of vodka to myself and today didn't feel like getting up. What is my motivation to look for a job when all I am going to do is get laid off or suck at it? Maybe I need to try another field of work, but sadly don't think I would be good at anything else. *Sigh*. I came on this site to write out my thoughts. I feel so alone and maybe there are others that feel the same way I do. Thanks for reading.

Welcome sadsoul to the forum!

I am so sorry that you are in such a dark place right now. I have to say that alcohol will only make this worse and you must know that mixing it with your medications is a bad idea.

please review the rules for the forum when you get a chance.

What is it that you do for a job? You did not say in your post, so I can not suggest an alternative.

However, I can suggest that you write down on a piece of paper what is it that you want to do with your life, are rather what do you like to do? Then list jobs that fall under that categorey. For instance if you like clothes shopping. Working in retail at the mall, would be great! See? Doing a job you like WILL change how well you do at that job!

Also sounds like you have a lot of emotions bottled up, so if you do not journal I suggest your get a cheap composition book, Shoprite has them for .99 cents. Start writing everyday about how you feel, this also helps in therapy, because you can hand over the journal to the therapist for subject matter.

Keep posting here, people care and support each other on this site. we do the best we can for all. Hang in there, life does get better, just takes positive thoughts.

Peace
Trina

welcome sadsoul84 to the forum,

This is an excellent place to get help. I too was in a very dark place extremely depressed but sought help and with a lot of perserverence I am much better. Keep your chin up, things will improve.

welcome sadsoul, I am sorry you had a reason to come here, but since you do well i am happy you found us. I dont put words down very well anymore so you may have too read like a puzzle.

I am on this forum, along with several others. Keeping them all in order is most difficult most of the time. I would go to another mental facilatory but I am scared my husband would take care of our sweet dog. His name is Bud. My husband does not do well taking care of anything, except his work, wich thank goodness he does great there. If I let myself hit him in the head with a big iron frying pan I would do it. He gets me so angry I cant think straight.

I just dont know what I would do without HW anymore. I just dont know how I get from day to day with all of the crap going with my physical illnesses, then my depression, CFS, PAIN,.you name it. I cant think of all that is wrong with me. If I do think of all of it I do get so depressed Its hard to function. My mental problems are really showing themselves lately. Thats what scares me. I cant make a sentance right. when I make out a check I mess them up and start over and over. My penmanship has gone to hell. I forget what I am doing right in the middle of a job.

I know I am going to need a house keeper more than just one day a week.
I fell 2 days ago, really hard on my kitchen floor. How I didnt break anything is a miricle. I am so sore. My husband was here to help me. He sees how I am and wants to hire someone to stay here with me..He has no idea how much that costs.How can a man who is so smart, be so out of touch with the daily care of 2 old people. I know we have no family around here, my son and his son, who come out here and do work that I have always done outside.......I am rambling, good nite to all...........regards...Cathy

Hello sadsoul .......

   I once, a long time ago, was taking guitar lessons from someone - who by day, was an accountant and by night a guitar teacher. We got to be sort of big-brother type of friends, and I still remember him saying something that did impact my whole life .......... "when it comes to working, do something you enjoy doing. It's natural for you to do well at something you enjoy doing".

   Those weren't the exact words, but I did shortly after change fields - and while I didn't make any kind of fortune in the new field, I enjoyed going to work nearly every day. I felt like I accomplished something. And even though I was laid off 5 or 6 times working for others (my field was highly affected by the economy) ... I ended up staying in the same field, and opening up my own little business.

   And please, as someone else had said, don't mix the meds with the alcohol. As I'm sure you've heard before, the alcohol feeds the depression - especially in the hang-over stage.

Best wishes ....................