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My boyfriend's family hates me. They haven't even met me yet.

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Posted 8/23/2013 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
Please help, any advice would help: I had depression for 5 years ever since I was a teen. Then I got out of it as I became older. Lately, I've been having one of the worse hit of depression, I cry almost every 2 days and have no energy for anything.

My boyfriend's parents hate me. They have not even met me yet. We have been together for 2 years. His mom wants a model-like beautiful gf, domestic goddess and academic over-achiever. I am pretty, I do all the household chores in my bf's place (we sort of cohabitate) and I am in law school. I am not good enough for her. His family went through great business successes, rising from nothing to having everything so they think his son deserves the best partner that they can brag to their friends about. His mom has the opinion that people won't respect her son unless he has a beautiful gf by his side. But the fact is that, objectively, I don't look bad at all-- many guys think I look attractive.

Issue 1: Money
His mom thinks he spends a lot of money on me and so she pretty much cut him off financially, giving him a much smaller allowance than he was ever used to. He does not spend a lot of money on me-- we always pay alternately. In fact, nowadays, I spend much more money on him. I don't mind this if he is in financial strife-- I love him and I don't mind supporting him. But I think of the fact that his mom thinks the very opposite of me and it creates a lot of bitterness inside.

Issue 2: Looks
After his mom expressed her opinion about how I look (how I don't dress up etc.), I put a lot of effort into makeup everyday and also became a clothes *****. I really don't like this part of myself. Sure, I like to look nice, every girl does, but I feel like I am under pressure to look a certain way for his mom and that I'll never be good enough for her. His mom compares my bf to a family friend of his and says that he has a beautiful gf and why can't my bf choose a decent girl. She gave him an ultimatum to find a beautiful gf that she can approve of and send her a picture. And my bf is thinking of taking random pictures of other girls to send it to her. This breaks my heart immensely. And my self-esteem is down the drain and into the Mariana Trench. I feel rejected, I feel extremely ugly, extremely unjustified (she hasn't even f-ing met me), I feel like a puppet. Don't you care about my personality? You don't go into a long-term relationship or marriage with someone for their looks because looks will fade, personality is what you have to live with everyday. These issues have permeated every aspect of our lives.

I forget to mention that my bf has yet told her that he's dating me. Coming to think of it, I think this is extremely screwd up. He probably fears more restrictions placed by his mom. He knows he can't live without financial support. Although he's working part time while studying, the money isn't enough. I think it's perverse how a parent would do this to her son. He tried selling me to his mom a few times by talking about how good I am etc. but his mom never approved. So nowadays he just keeps denying allegations that he's with me. His cousins have joined in the 'fun' by speaking ill about me. They dug up a few photos of us on Facebook and his mom had a field day talking about how I suck and how my bf suck for liking someone like me. As a result, we took off all our photos on Facebook-- which is not many, only 2 or 3 because we know this may happen. And from the start when we were just dating, I wanted our relationship status on Facebook but my bf expressed hesitations because of family issues (I didn't know about his family at that time). So we privated our relationship status to ourselves. Apparently, today, his cousin dug it out and showed it to his family. I don't know what will happen now. I think his mom will go really mad and my bf will be further pressured to cut off ties with me. I dread this so much.

I wouldn't mind this that much except for the fact that my bf gets influenced by her and he thinks I don't look good enough. He used to compliment me all the time and now, I feel that he's always judging me, thinking about how his mom will think of me. He used to say he won't care about his parents' opinions about me but after his mom cut off his allowance, he feels the effect and begins to seriously consider breaking up with me. Personally I think it's a huge pity because before the parental issue, we got along fantastic.

I used to someone very sure of herself, very confident of her gifts and talents, very compassionate and I had all aspects of my life neatly sorted out and sorted well. Now, I just feel broken, there's a lot of bitterness and resentment inside me. Somedays I feel like tearing this whole thing apart but our relationship is very precious.

I HATE living in secret. I HATE having to change to a person that's not myself for this lady whom I'm not dating. As much as I love my bf with my whole heart and soul, I guess I may have to consider breaking up because unless his mom's opinions change, it's going to be worse if we stay longer together and marry-- I've read stories about kids being shunned by mother-in-laws. I would not want to wish such a fate upon my life.

I need all the advice I can get. Please help. I can't talk about this to anyone in real life. Thanks for reading and letting me offload this stone off my chest.
Posted 8/23/2013 9:20 AM (GMT 0)
welcome to the forum just a girl..

i certainly, would not be getting engaged to a boy [that is what he is if he can not even introduced you to his parents at this stage] that has to keep you hidden.

Not a good start for a relationship. The rest is common sense. I think you know that.

I hope things work out for you, until he is "proud" to be seen with you things will not change.

Peace and courage
Trina
Posted 8/23/2013 9:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Justagirl55,

Welcome to the depression forum. I don't think you should tolerate this anymore. I think you should think of getting a different bf. This is insane... Nobody should be judged by looks. and it sounds like his mom is very shallow and so is he for not standing up to her. I think you should rethink the whole relationship. You don't deserve to be treated like a platter of meat. You are a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out. Don't let ths go on anymore. Find somebody who will be proud of you. You deserve the best.

Seriously, this is rediculous. Get a different boyfriend. I know it isn't easy, but I don't think you should be subject to anymore of this nonsense.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/23/2013 3:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Justagirl55,

I'm sorry to hear about the stress and frustration you have been facing in this situation. I know this types of situations in dating relationships can be really tough. Does your boyfriend's family leave nearby? Or are they far enough away that it would be difficult to actually meet them? I wonder if, assuming you were to keep trying to make things work, it might help if you were actually able to meet his parents in person in order to disprove their assumptions made from afar? It's certainly not a guarantee, as people sometimes stay stubborn about particular assumptions, but sometimes meeting someone in person can help change their perspective when they see you in "3D" with a personality and sense of humor, rather than seeing you just as a name and a random picture or two.

It sounds like it's possible that things are beyond that level at this point, but I thought it might be worth asking you if that was something you and your BF had discussed at all?
Posted 8/23/2013 3:58 PM (GMT 0)
You need to talk to BF, seriously, and lay it out. I am uncomfortable with your mother's hold on you, i am uncomfortable with the feeling you are hiding me, and I am uncomfortable with the shadow your family casts on our relationship.

FWIW, in-laws are often disappointed, and so freaking what? It sounds as if this is your BF's issue to stand up and be a big boy. My first husband's mother was quite unhappy about the lack of grandchildren. My current partner's family thinks me a liberal bleeding-heart. So long as the gentleman in question does his job of protecting me from his family, and supporting me, who cares what they think? Both my partners defended me at family get-togethers, and were clearly with me because of my difference.

Life is long, and there is no reason to stay with someone who won't stand up for his own choices.
Posted 8/23/2013 6:23 PM (GMT 0)

BnotAfraid said...
welcome to the forum just a girl..

i certainly, would not be getting engaged to a boy [that is what he is if he can not even introduced you to his parents at this stage] that has to keep you hidden.

Trina

Thanks for welcoming me, Trina. I do agree. At the start, I did feel that he seems to be hiding me but after that initial feeling (and telling him about it), I gradually tucked it inside me and forgot about it.

getting by said...
Hi Justagirl55,

Welcome to the depression forum.

Seriously, this is rediculous. Get a different boyfriend. I know it isn't easy, but I don't think you should be subject to anymore of this nonsense.

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Karen, thanks for welcoming me. I have considered breaking up and I think it's a last resort. I'll give it a little more time to work things out. I can't get over how fantastic we were before this happened. He really means a lot to me and not only helped me out through very tough times but also helped me grow as a person. There's the good and bad and I don't know how to weigh them out and if I should leave this or not. And whether we can resolve this, and if the problems will be outgrown or not.

humblejalopy said...
Hey Justagirl55,

I'm sorry to hear about the stress and frustration you have been facing in this situation. I know this types of situations in dating relationships can be really tough.

It sounds like it's possible that things are beyond that level at this point, but I thought it might be worth asking you if that was something you and your BF had discussed at all?

Thanks for the reply, humblejalopy. They live in another state, it is possible to meet them but I don't know if meeting them would be worse for the situation or not. And plus, I think I really need to get my act together if I want to meet them. I'm at quite a low point in life, lost my sense of humour (I used to do comedies etc. but nowadays I can't seem to activate my funny bone) and I find it really hard to meet new people due to anxiety. I think what you suggest may be a good idea. I should really pull myself together and not let this be a catalyst for my depression and resume my life.


Myself 09 said...
You need to talk to BF, seriously, and lay it out. I am uncomfortable with your mother's hold on you, i am uncomfortable with the feeling you are hiding me, and I am uncomfortable with the shadow your family casts on our relationship.

FWIW, in-laws are often disappointed, and so freaking what? It sounds as if this is your BF's issue to stand up and be a big boy. My first husband's mother was quite unhappy about the lack of grandchildren. My current partner's family thinks me a liberal bleeding-heart. So long as the gentleman in question does his job of protecting me from his family, and supporting me, who cares what they think? Both my partners defended me at family get-togethers, and were clearly with me because of my difference.

Life is long, and there is no reason to stay with someone who won't stand up for his own choices.

Hi Myself 09, it makes me feel so much better to know someone here had a similar experience and didn't have it so bad. I'll take your advice and say it all directly. I have talked to him on several occasions before about this but I don't think I have been very direct about why exactly I am feeling a certain way.

But I think a possible reply of his may be that-- he's suffering a lot too, he's the one getting financial sanctions and there's nothing we can really do about it. I have a feeling that he expects me to be very strong in the face of this issue and thinks that the fact that my self-esteem is being affected by this is more of an issue of my lack of personal growth. I guess maybe from this, I can see the sort of person he is. You're right, I should expect him to defend me strongly and have the courage to at least tell his parents he's dating me. I think that his lack of courage comes from when he was a child and his parents were always really domineering towards him. He's a part-time military guy, he's really mentally and physically strong and I really respect him as an individual as he treats everyone with honour and virtue. But I guess even with people like that, things like parental influences that are so ingrained from childhood may not be that malleable to changes.

I mourn for that. But I guess this shows me what kind of guy he is-- there's another aspect to him that I've never seen. I'll give it a little more time and try to work it out and talk to him about it.
Posted 8/23/2013 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Good. This is not about the family, but the BF.

Everyone needs to redefine themselves in terms of their family in adulthood. It sounds as if your BF has not reached that point yet, and may be resisting it because it is hard.

Support him if he tries to remake his role in the family. If he is capable of it and loves you, he will try. He might not be able to make a dent in his assigned role--and this is something you will need to be prepared for.

But don't let him make you feel less than you are.
Posted 8/23/2013 6:35 PM (GMT 0)

Myself 09 said...
Good. This is not about the family, but the BF.

Everyone needs to redefine themselves in terms of their family in adulthood. It sounds as if your BF has not reached that point yet, and may be resisting it because it is hard.

Support him if he tries to remake his role in the family. If he is capable of it and loves you, he will try. He might not be able to make a dent in his assigned role--and this is something you will need to be prepared for.

But don't let him make you feel less than you are.

Thanks for the speedy reply, Myself 09. I really appreciate your wise words. What you said is very interesting and intellectual. I think he is starting to redefine himself in his family-- his parents are trusting him with many aspects of their family business and actually asks him for advice a lot and appreciating him as an adult in this sense. But I think relationship-wise, they still think he's a kid. And I don't think he's redefining himself in this aspect yet.

How do you think he can start to redefine his role in the family in a relationship sense?
Posted 8/23/2013 8:22 PM (GMT 0)
They can't do anything. He has to do it.

How, I don't know. Every person and their relationships are different. That's his job.

it sounds as if he is still deferring to mom as the authority. Part of this may be respect, but it also might be child-parent, rather than adult-adult relationship. he loves his mom. And, face it, his relationship with her is far more evolved than his relationship with you.

And, uhm, money? really? I would guess you are either college-age or very recently graduated. I could be wrong. But part of attaining adulthood is financial, and starting a life outside of the family unit, with its inherent bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. This helps to separate.

You can't control what Mom does, or what BF chooses. You can only control your own reaction to events.
Posted 8/23/2013 8:50 PM (GMT 0)

justagirl55 said...

How do you think he can start to redefine his role in the family in a relationship sense?


Like Myself 09 touched on, the financial aspect of getting "out from underneath" our parents is a big part of the journey into adulthood. You mentioned how you think he would mention the stress of the "financial sanctions" his family has leveled against him if you tried to approach the subject more directly, so would you say that a large part of the problem with his role in his family, even in a relationship sense, has to do with the fact that he is so financially dependent upon them?

That is to say, do you think the situation would be different – or that he would handle it differently – if he didn't have to worry about the money he gets from his family?

If so, might that be one logical place (though there could be more) where he can start to redefine his role in, and relationship with, his family?

Posted 8/24/2013 4:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hey justagirl55, I know that you're under a lot of pressure now but trust me, everything will be fine. Hard to believe now huh ?? Well, it was too, for me. But now, everything's fine (: All you need now is confidence in yourself. Confidence is really important you know.

Look, I know what you feel like right now, like a sick trash bag... Well, don't! Because you're far from a sick trash bag, let alone a trash bag!! What I read, you're a beautiful, intelligent, bright and independent young lady.

You say you're not beautiful ? Not smart enough ? Not intelligent enough ?? WRONG!!! You're everything of a girl's dream!! C'mon, before you're depressed, you said you're pretty, attractive and smart as well right ? And now you're not right ? Why I ask you, because the real you is hidden inside the shield of the depressed you! When you weren't down in the dumps, all the lovely things that you think at yourself, is the real you. Now you're just really depressed aren't you ? Well, let me tell you this, the depressed you is the fake you. The real you is what you think of you when you're not depressed.

Hey, not only you're attractive, (even though I couldn't see you now, I could sense it and you're one helluva lady alright !) but smart too !! C'mon, tell me that a girl who is currently studying in a law school is not a smarty-pants. Tell me that and I'll give you a car if you want me to.

Do you know how hard it is to go to a law school ?? You might think it's okay, but for other girls, it's hard alright!! You're perfect just the way you are hun, you don't need to change just for the person you haven't even met!! Get your wall of self confidence built up and you're ready to go on a war gurl!

What I heard, you just made the one you love more independent!! He's working while studying too right ? Well, not everyone does that you know. I think you just made him more *well done* than *half way done*, if you know what I mean. So what if his allowance is now low ? So what if he has to work now ? That's actually a good thing. From my point of view, you're making your boyfriend more mature, independent and more experience for his future job after he graduates. The more experience he is, the better.

His mom is not satisfied with his already lovely all in one set girlfriend huh ?? I know what you mean, I really do.
My brother once had a girlfriend that my mom wasn't really *into* you know, but to me, I think she's really nice, humble, smart and just like you. My mom wasn't really convinced back then and I tried and tried on telling my mom that Michelle (My bro's girlfriend) is very nice, caring etc.. and finally!!! My mom agreed. And look at my bro now, he's happily married to her and I have a great sister-in-law.

about your boyfriend's mom's attitude, you don't need to change your whole look for her!! Just try your best on letting her know that you're who you are. Try your best to let her know that you changed her son into an excellent young man. Let her know that you're who you are.

Good luck girl, you can do this !! Never give up!!!

Much love,
Joanne
Posted 8/25/2013 3:37 AM (GMT 0)

jojojoanne said...
Hey justagirl55, I know that you're under a lot of pressure now but trust me, everything will be fine. Hard to believe now huh ?? Well, it was too, for me. But now, everything's fine (: All you need now is confidence in yourself. Confidence is really important you know.

Look, I know what you feel like right now, like a sick trash bag... Well, don't! Because you're far from a sick trash bag, let alone a trash bag!! What I read, you're a beautiful, intelligent, bright and independent young lady.

You say you're not beautiful ? Not smart enough ? Not intelligent enough ?? WRONG!!! You're everything of a girl's dream!! C'mon, before you're depressed, you said you're pretty, attractive and smart as well right ? And now you're not right ? Why I ask you, because the real you is hidden inside the shield of the depressed you! When you weren't down in the dumps, all the lovely things that you think at yourself, is the real you. Now you're just really depressed aren't you ? Well, let me tell you this, the depressed you is the fake you. The real you is what you think of you when you're not depressed.

Hey, not only you're attractive, (even though I couldn't see you now, I could sense it and you're one helluva lady alright !) but smart too !! C'mon, tell me that a girl who is currently studying in a law school is not a smarty-pants. Tell me that and I'll give you a car if you want me to.

Do you know how hard it is to go to a law school ?? You might think it's okay, but for other girls, it's hard alright!! You're perfect just the way you are hun, you don't need to change just for the person you haven't even met!! Get your wall of self confidence built up and you're ready to go on a war gurl!

What I heard, you just made the one you love more independent!! He's working while studying too right ? Well, not everyone does that you know. I think you just made him more *well done* than *half way done*, if you know what I mean. So what if his allowance is now low ? So what if he has to work now ? That's actually a good thing. From my point of view, you're making your boyfriend more mature, independent and more experience for his future job after he graduates. The more experience he is, the better.

His mom is not satisfied with his already lovely all in one set girlfriend huh ?? I know what you mean, I really do.
My brother once had a girlfriend that my mom wasn't really *into* you know, but to me, I think she's really nice, humble, smart and just like you. My mom wasn't really convinced back then and I tried and tried on telling my mom that Michelle (My bro's girlfriend) is very nice, caring etc.. and finally!!! My mom agreed. And look at my bro now, he's happily married to her and I have a great sister-in-law.

about your boyfriend's mom's attitude, you don't need to change your whole look for her!! Just try your best on letting her know that you're who you are. Try your best to let her know that you changed her son into an excellent young man. Let her know that you're who you are.

Good luck girl, you can do this !! Never give up!!!

Much love,
Joanne

Joanne!! You just totally made my day :) Your energy and optimism is contagious! Thanks so much sweetie. You just vocalised all the positive things I'll say to myself if my depressed side had now drowned that voice out. Your brother's story is so heartwarming, I am very happy for your brother and yourself! You're right, confidence is very important and I'll be patient and kind and try to let her know who I am and at the end of the day, his mom will see who the 'real me' is and whether or not she likes me then, she's got nothing on me. I am who I am. I actually spoke to my bf and I realised that I underestimate his support for me. But we'll see. Hopefully, I'll prove you right! :)
Posted 8/25/2013 4:36 AM (GMT 0)
Good for you justagirl55 !!! I'm glad that you finally found your inner voice and thank you so much sweetie!!! I'm proud of you for being who you are, you're perfect just the way you are. (:

I'm sure your boyfriend has more support on you than what you think right now. You wanna know why ? Simple, because negative thoughts are what triggers depression. In real life, I'm sure your boyfriend has full support on you.

Oh and about proving me right, you better!! Because you're already this one set package that every girl dreams of.
Me and this forum will always be here for you sweetie, Have a pleasant day!!!

Much love,
Joanne
Posted 8/25/2013 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, and by the way, just so you know justagirl55, you just made my day too you know!

Keep in touch girl! In a good way though (:

Much love,
Joanne
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