Hello Juliepup .......
Don't ever apologize for writing too much while you're trying to vent. Sometimes, oftentimes - it's the only way!
Parents are rarely if ever perfect ... and sometimes they're downright selfish or self-centered. Trust me ... I'm a parent and I had at least three of them myself with two divorces included by my Mother. I have a 28-year old daughter and a 37-year old daughter - each with extremely different life courses.
I feel for you with what you said about your Mother. I went to a psychologist for the first time about 18-years ago ... mostly because my Mother was placing so many guilt trips on me. Her third husband, my stepfather, passed away 18-years ago ... I have no brothers or sisters ... so she took everything that didn't go right in her life out on me. To make things more intense, she was an alcoholic as well. And now, she has dementia and is in a home for dementia.
Please remember, we all have crosses to bear. With your life ... you mentioned an abusive boyfriend and a father who sometimes drinks too much. You said very little about the boyfriend ... so it sounds as though you have really handled that at least reasonably well. You mentioned quite a bit about your father, and it sounds like you have respect and love for him ... and have taken his incorrect accusations of you very well.
You sound like a very well-adjusted young lady that has handled some serious family situations pretty well. You should be proud of that. Your fear of becoming like your Mother is, I think, not well-founded at all. Just your admission of that possiblity tells me that it's certainly not likely to happen.
Let me tell you of one parallel ..... I used to drink pretty hard and for years. I wondered if I would be anything like my Mother - except I didn't hide the bottle like she did. Actually, it usually was beer ... but a mircle happened when I stopped smoking three years ago. All of a sudden, beer didn't taste good anymore - and I went from nearly every night to at most, 2 or 3 micro-brewed beers a month. The key was ... I admitted that I might have a problem and was concerned about it.
Your career, by the way, fascinates me. I am an animal lover myself. Is there a chance that when you tried to go into business for yourself, you needed some directional help. Besides not having enough cash flow to survive for at least months, if not longer, starting any kind of business does take some good planning, a lot of hours, and some luck as well. There are books that help on how to prepare yourself for starting a business. I found, once for myself, that the SBA (small business association) was filled with dedicated older business people very willing to help out someone in business - and it's free.
At your age, it is not too late to try again in business. I went into business for myslef at the age of 45 ... and that was pushing the envelope a lot!!! However, if you feel that the Marines or some other branch will satisy your needs, then by all means ... go for it.
In a way ... you remind me of my youngest daughter in some ways. She did have (let's say) the luck to know what she wanted to do from the time she was in high school. She worked her tail off and (again) had some luck in getting a job right after her masters degree.
But she has had severe problems with her mother (my ex-wife), and I don't believe she has even spoken to her in two years or so. When she was growing up, too often I sat at the Dining Room table doing cash flow studies over a few beers instead of spending the time with her when she was over every other week-end.
She did persevere though. I love her dearly and she knows it. She has what seems like a great boyfriend ... after many in the past. And of all things, her latest passion has become running. She changed her eating habits a few years ago and started running. She's become trim - although never was terribly overweight - and she finished her first half-marathon in Chicago nearly two weeks ago.
Have you ever thought about going to see a psychologist. A good one is a great place to start. They can be great direction pointers ... giving suggestions of how to do something or where to get information. It is no weakness to see one ......... in fact, it's often a weakness not to see one. You don't want to carry around a feeling of guilt with you. You didn't earn the guilt. It needs to be put into perspective - so you can go on with your life in a positive way.
Oh yeah ..... or by the way .... my name here is "Gizzy and me". Gizzy is the name of my best friend ... my 2-1/2 year old Samoyed. My what a coincidence .... another animal lover!!!
My best wishes go out to you .....and your iguana!