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My life has no value and it's not going to get better.

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Posted 9/27/2013 1:19 AM (GMT 0)
Everything in my life has been a crap show since last November. I've been waiting, almost a year now, for it to "get better." It's not going to. I realized why. Here are the reasons:

1. I'm repulsively ugly. Don't tell me I'm not. I do intense aerobics 2 hours every morning and eat one meal a day, but I'm still 30 or 40 pounds overweight and I can't seem to lose any weight at all. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. I have bad skin. Red, ugly, patchy. People make fun of me al the time because I suck at doing my (straggly and awful) hair and make up. I'm also tall. Tall and fat. Disgusting. Awful.

2. I'm not in a relationship, probably because I'm so ugly. Been single since November. I've had a few "dates" since then, but guys never call me again because I repulse them with my giant hideous ugliness. I'm 24 and I've only had 3 relationships, none of which have lasted more than 6 months. If that's not a good reason to  myself, I don't know what is. My friends will marry, have kids, not have time for me.I will be alone, which is scary considering how long life is. The idea of 50 or 60 more years of this, especially when they'll get progressively worse, is horrifying.

3. I don't really exist. When I'm not in the room with someone (and even sometimes when I am) no one thinks about me. What is existence if not interaction, having an effect in the world? I don't. I don't exist. I'm not a human being. I'm a thing. A horrible, horrible, revolting, hatable thing. A bad thing.

4. I have absolutely no one in this city who would come, right now, if I called them and said I needed someone. They're all in relationships and I'm not, which means constant loneliness. They don't care about me. They don't want me. I'm un-wantable, un-lovable. I realized, leaving work today, that I'm not going to see anyone or do anything all weekend long. This is it. I'm alone now, until Monday.

5. There's a horrible, revolting darkness buried in me that makes me evil and horrible and unlovable. If you knew me, you would understand what I'm talking about. It's hard to explain here.

I sincerely hope that I die soon. I think it would be what's best for everyone because I'm on a one-way, unalterable track to turn into one of those people you see on the train or in the grocery store, fat fat fat fat fat fat fat and alone alone alone alone alone alone, talking to themselves. No one needs more people like that. Fat, awful people. I should have myself when I was 19 and seriously considered it one night in April. I'm sorry I changed my mind.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/26/2013 8:15:13 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/27/2013 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
Angela,

I had to edit your post and title due to content. We don't discuss suicide or self harm here. Please read the forum rules.

In this life we cant' rely on others to make us happy. You are looking to other people to fulfill your life and you have to do that yourself.

There is no definition on ugly. Different people are attracted to different things. So in that respect, nobody is ugly.

I don't think you are a horrible person, but if you continue to think in this manner, you are not going to feel any different. Do you ever think about going to counseling? Your problem is the way that you are thinking and you can change that with therapy. I highly suggest that you talk to somebody.

We have a resource thread at the top of this page, there are many helpful sites. It is the first thread, I suggest that you take a look at it. You may find something helpful to you.

You really need to learn to like yourself. As long as you are down on yourself, others are going to pick up on that vibe. They wont find you the type of person that they want to be around. So try to be happy. Look for some little things in life that make you feel good. Try to keep a good attitude about yourself.

I hope that you feel better soon. I really think you need to talk to somebody. No more talk about suicide, it triggers the other members. I really hope you start to like yourself.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/27/2013 10:11 AM (GMT 0)
Angela welcome to the forum!

Carl and Karen are right, it is the depression talking.

Please follow their advice!.

If it helps any, I only had 5 relationships, all less than a year, before I met my husband, we have been married 23 years now. So give yourself a break, there are not dating rules out there about numbers and when you have to settle down. Try some self-compassion.

Keep posting here it does help, you will find people who support and listen.

Peace
Trina
Posted 9/29/2013 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Awww truth for you is everyone is beautiful&thats because a beautiful God made you,I do understand your pain of feeling like you are not hood enough Ive had a handfull of relationships. But none long term either they all wanted one thing,and it was heart breaking for me but life is worth living always keep that in mind through the good&the bad. Please keep your head up!
Posted 9/29/2013 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
iI was and am "tall and ugly"...and you know what? I DON"T care what others think.
Yes, it is the nature of severe depression to put you down and KEEP you there. It needs to be your goal to not let it win. It is the evil you speak of...

Karen is right-people Will pick up the way you feel about tyour self and avoid you. I do the "fake it til you make it"-som days it works, sometimes not so much

BUT, the first thing you need to do is get some counseling and try some meds and I mean, like, TODAY!

I am living proof that you can get thru this-I could have written that post 2 years ago (cept I am waaaay older-lol)

Please you must fight this thing with everything you've got-you are a beautiful soul and there are lots of us that are not so shallow as to judging the outside. At your age I'm afraid people do tend to be very shallow so please remember, that, inside these people, in the quiet, at 2am in the morning, they feel small ugly and worthless too. It is the human conditition to doubt and question ourselves. But we are all precious and priceless.

Please do seek help asap and please do keep talking to us-that is a huge first step and I am proud of you for being so brave.

Mags
Posted 9/29/2013 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi! I do hope that you start to feel better soon.

I do understand how that sometimes it can be natural to compare our world's with other people's days.

To be honest I don't go out in the evenings every week, but sometimes if I have a friends birthday, a family do or birthday, sometimes I go out in the daytime, and take a walk to the city to see the shops, people around, helps me feel less alone than sometimes at home.

but...when I look around and when I'm in the mood, I can find fulfilling things to do at home. Sometimes I forgot my much I have around me, still got to get that craft thing done, I planned doing ages ago.

Then again though, I do like a good film now and again and I find that comforting sometimes, plus talking sometimes with people online.

I hope that things look up soon and that you find comfort and support when you seek help or go about your daily business. It is good to talk sometimes, even if it is online or in person with others.

Post Edited (HappyBean) : 9/29/2013 1:25:38 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/30/2013 4:19 AM (GMT 0)
Angela,

I have been fighting depression now for over 15 years and am 35. I did not look for treatment until about 3 years ago. I know what it feels like to be so dark, to feel like nobody cares, to want to just climb into a cave. Just as other people have said you truly need to go and talk to someone. I was adamant that I did NOT want to take meds. I fought it for a year before i finally "gave in". It was the best thing I could have done. They have not by any means "cured me" and I still have bad times. This summer I starting getting very dark again. After several months I went and talked to my doctor and we came up with a plan. I know how it feels as I think most of us on this board do but please don't do anything rash. You have to keep telling yourself that you are worth it over and over. It doesn't matter if you believe it at first, keep saying it and get to a doctor. I think that is the biggest step. I have called many over the years just to cancel and suffer for so much longer then was necessary....
Posted 9/30/2013 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Angela,

Here is a big hug for you. Please know that you matter. You are here on this planet, in this world full of good and bad, doing the best you can, and it sounds like you are in terrible pain.

I read your post late last night (or too early this morning...) and I cannot rest until I reach out to you. I hope that you find a way to break the cycle you are in. Depression is a thief of joy, it can trick your mind into believing things that aren't true, it can make everything seem dark and awful.

One thing that really struck me about your post is the amount you're exercising and only eating one meal a day. Your body is likely in starvation mode and your metabolism is compensating by slowing down and hanging on to everything it can for survival. Our bodies are hard-wired to do this. Please look into healthy ways to fuel your body. There are lots of resources available online and in books, or maybe you can talk to a nutritionist or similar professional who can help you find a healthy balance. Your body needs fuel. Your brain needs fuel! Nutritional deficiencies can contribute to mood disorders. You can lose weight if you eat what your body needs. Weight Watchers has been helpful for a lot of people as a balanced way to learn a healthier way to eat and live. The more whole, natural and unprocessed foods you eat, the better. And drink lots of water! Your skin will likely clear up, too.

I can't tell from your post if you enjoy intense exercise, but if so, that's great! Coupled with healthy eating, that can really help your overall health. If you exercise as a form of punishment, though, try to find some ways that feel better, especially if they can be done outside so you get the benefit of sunlight, and maybe with a friend so you get the social connection.

Do you ever watch What Not to Wear? One thing I like about that show is that they help people of any size look their best. It's a bit superficial, I know, but how we look can affect how we feel so it might not hurt to get a cute and easy to maintain haircut and some clothes that feel good and fit well.

Everybody looks different, and what is culturally "in" is a moving target! I wish we lived in a time when carrying some extra weight and being curvy was desirable! I'm not naturally thin by a long shot, and am working on losing weight by working on eating, exercise and most importantly, emotional ties to food. I probably have about the same amount to lose as you do, but I'm taking it slowly and making life-long changes.

I'm glad to see you mention friends. Social support is so important and something I'm working on to help myself. I think the things you are saying to yourself about yourself feel true to you, but would you ever say any of those things to a friend? Please be a friend to yourself and stop reinforcing the negative thoughts. Our brains can learn new patterns but we have to do the work to get things going in more positive direction. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one way, it has been helpful to me and maybe worth looking into for you. It may sound impossible, but it is not.

It sounds like you need more social connection than you're getting. Maybe do some volunteer work? Maybe with children or animals or people in need? That's a great way to feel your own worth.

Is there anything creative you like to do? Writing, drawing, painting, music? Any classes you're interested in taking? Maybe you can find an outlet for all the things that are brewing inside.

I'm glad you found this forum. There are many people here who care about you, who have kind and wise things to say. Please keep trying to find the things that make you feel better.

I am wishing you a peaceful week, Angela!

Nina
Posted 10/1/2013 6:39 AM (GMT 0)
I can relate on many levels to how you feel. I have never had one single relationship EVER. Am I disgustingly "ugly"? No. Do I ever feel like I am? Oh, yes indeed! I grew up with a younger sister who was slim and guys noticed her all the time. I also grew up hearing about how beautiful and gorgeous my Mom had been when she was younger and I saw the photos that proved it! She had been even prettier than my sister was! My dad had never had a problem with the ladies. He wasn't Mr. Universe, but he had nice eyes and most ladies found him quite attractive. And me? Well, I have hazel eyes and back when I was young, my hair was very long and thick and was a light brown with so much blonde highlights that it almost was a dark blonde. But I was chubby. Not grossly fat. Just chubby. I might as well have been invisible, especially next to my sister. I was the girl that everyone came to when they needed to talk to a sympathetic person. I was such a nice good ol' buddy! Great as a friend, but you wouldn't wanna date me! Many of the guys that I had crushes on ended up liking my sister. But I sure was a nice friend. Just not romance material. It was the 80's and guys didn't like FAT chicks. And fat was anyone that weighed over 130 lbs. Of course, I could never understand why so many of the girls that I went to school with that were around my size had boyfriends...whereas school for me was a place to be mocked b/c I wasn't skinny. In homeroom, this group of guys made me the butt of a joke in front of the whole class by saying to me that one of their homeys' in the back wanted to take me to the prom. They were snickering and I felt so small (to be so "fat" I sure felt "small"). This group was led by a guy that liked my sister. Previously he had always treated me okay when we were all at our lockers before school and between classes. Yeah, he was some kind of friend after all. Thankfully, my sister didn't like him back.
Thankfully, I survived high school, graduating in '82. Then I tried to go to work and b/c of a panic attack, I developed a phobia and so then I became unable to work. And fast-forward 3 years and b/c of stomach problems, I started losing weight, which, then encouraged me to help my weight loss along by dieting too.
I finally was smaller than I had ever been. Guys did notice me, but I didn't usually notice them noticing me. My Mom was always amazed at how clueless I could be! I know why I didn't see them looking. It was b/c I had such low self-esteem that even being small, I felt like I still wasn't good enough. Mom told me that even without realizing it I sent out signals for guys to keep their distance from me. Being small never got me a guy. The reason I never got a guy was b/c I didn't think I was good enough for anyone. And I had then developed a phobia of getting into a relationship so I wouldn't have dated a guy if he'd asked me. People can often sense things about us that we don't realize.
You're so convinced that you are ugly and unlovable and disgusting that you are probably scaring guys away by your attitude. Would you want to date a person that was constantly putting himself down? Look around you. how many people do you see everyday that are in relationships and aren't exactly model-material? Most folks are rather average to outright plain! And yes, some are quite homely. But they're STILL in relationships!
Don't end up like I did! You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. You know, when I was young, those boys killed a part of me that is dead till this day. But in my older age, I have become wiser and wish I had known then what I know now. If only someone had reached out to me and showed me the way, so-to-speak. I am now reaching out to you and I'm telling you that if you don't believe in yourself, no matter what any of us say to reassure you, will change anything. You have to change your thinking. Learn to love yourself. I love a lot of things about myself. I have regrets in life, sure. However, I'll be a monkey's uncle before I'm going to believe that I'm the disgusting person so many made me feel like I was back then. I made up my own mind that I was going to be the best person I could be! When I see people seem sad, I try to be empathetic and if I can, encourage them and try to cheer them up. And I find that by helping others, I'm helping myself just as much!
What can YOU do to make you feel better about yourself? Could you volunteer your time helping the elderly or helping animals at the humane society? Can you volunteer to read to children at the library? Really, there are so many organizations that would love your help and you would meet other people with the same interests as yourself. I know I'm happiest when I'm not just focusing in on myself. Just smiling at folks can make a difference in their day and yours! A smile is the best make-up of all! Better than lipstick!
And besides of all this, please get a medical check-up and get some counseling. I wish I had known to do that back when I was hurting so much.
Please keep us posted and KNOW that we DO care!
janet
Posted 10/1/2013 9:18 AM (GMT 0)
Janet,

I love this post, written so eloquently, thank you for that... I hope Angela reads it...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/1/2013 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Karen. I just hope I helped Angela...
smiles!
jl
Posted 1/30/2014 8:09 AM (GMT 0)
Angela

I know this is 4 months too late but I hope you will still read these!!!!!!
Skin problems are easily fixed with medication and you might even have an allergy to something. Milk gave me acne for years, no more oily skin after I stopped drinking milk and drink lots of water instead. I still use dairy products in my cooking though. Weight loss is probably the hardest, but eating one meal a day makes it harder, because your body stores as much fat in the foods as possible when in knows it won't be eating for 24 hours again. Try small snacks throughout the day. I know when I was suffering from self-harming thoughts, the only thing that got me through the day was small accomplishments here and there. Which is why I turned to RPGs because levelling up gaming characters became addicting "accomplishments". But then my social life died completely (not like it was anything though). Self-discipline and completing goals will make you smile more about your self day by day. I've gotten myself through many stages of self-healing and I'm at the point/stage where I'm trying to back myself out of how far I've come, because it was easier being sad and wanting a way out of life. But I know that all my accomplishments even if they're small like cleaning the house have made me happy and it's enough happiness to boost my confidence even if just for an hour at a time, it's better than nothing! Cheer up cheerio, you're always going to have people on your side.
-Michelle
Posted 1/30/2014 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the forum. This is an old thread, I hope you get some responses. If you would like to start a new thread, just click on "new topic" and go from there.

Hugs, Karen...
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