feeling some hope

hi, my screen name is Display.

my depression has been real bad this weekend. just wanting to sleep or sitting here at the computer bored. this morning when i got up i asked my sister if i could talk to her about my depression, that it was scaring me to be so depressed. she as usual was willing to listen and i started off by crying, which is a big step for me. i bottle things up and it takes a lot for me to let it out.

i talked about being sick of being depressed or anxious all the time. i am anxious every work day and lately have been depressed every weekend day. sometimes i am able to work myself out of it, but i don't really know the recipe for that.

i also talked about my job and how they are putting pressure on me to perform. on thursday or friday i was criticized for how i do my work, that has a big effect on me. i get scared about being fired or laid off. i have never really dealt with criticism well, my parents were very critical and rarely loving without strings attached.

there are other things on my mind: worries about my bottom teeth going bad (my tops already have, which is why i have a denture, and fears about shopping for a car. and probably many others. what scares me sometimes is that things go wrong, something needs to be replaced and i don't feel up to making the effort to do what is necessary to fix things.

i am able to go to work and do some things for my health but that is about it. anything else is just too much for me. my bike is in storage and i would love to have it to ride, but even when i get it out of storage i will have to have the tires replaced, and it just seems like too much to deal with.

final thing i will say is that i am a smoker. i know it is very bad for me and my health. it seems tied into my depression and anxiety. i use cigarettes to tamp down thoughts and feelings. so no wonder i do it. i don't feel i would cope at all with anxiety and depression without my cigs.

i do try and remember i have good things in my life. i have a gratitude list and a gratitude book.

thanks for listening and allowing me to get all this stuff off my chest.

hi gizmo,

yes i do have a therapist. last week we dealt with some of my fears. my therapist tells me - almost every session - that i am meeting my challenges. it doesn't feel that way when i am depressed.

thanks for your reply and your suggestions.

display, it is wonderful that you have a gratitude journal. It will help you deal with your issues and face your challenges. It may not seem like much, but each day you make it through is a victory!

Just the thought of riding your bike is a victory, the thought was not there a while ago. Soon you will be riding. trust me.

Peace and courage
Trina