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Posted 2/9/2014 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
It's been since 2000 that my life changed and I haven't been able to get back to me. I have been carrying it around so long that it's hard to imagine when I was different. I have tried to remember how things were and my perspective then and I have to assume I was either extremely niave, oblivious or just simply in denial. Am I more perceptive now and do I accurately see things as they are? I just don't know anymore.

I am so tired and have carried around so much self-doubt and loathing that I just don't remember what it's like to wake up with a hopeful feeling. I feel like it will never get better. Ever. I worry about everything, I fake it all day long (enough to be successful at my job/career), but inside I am just hollow. I have no confidence, no joy....sad all the time.

I just want something to hold on to. I know at 36 years of age, things will be as they are now and likely not get better. My job is draining and will take the best from me and I wonder what will be left when I retire. I am married, but have no friends. Have moved about 10 times in 13 years....hard to make friends because I put something off that makes me unlikeable.

My husband and small amount of family are what I am grateful for most, I don't know why or how they put up with me. I just am so tired and can't get back to me. I am a farse. If everyone only knew what I was carrying around in my heart, they would be shocked.

I can't seek help because of my job - it's not confidential.
Posted 2/9/2014 7:10 PM (GMT 0)
What would your job not like about you getting help for yourself? It is a good thing to do. You really need to talk to your doctor, get an assessment on your mental health. Or get some therapy to help you. If you don't do anything, it will most likely get worse to where you can't hide it any more.

Go to the first thread on the forum called "resources". There should be a website for "Moodgym"... It is a place that can help you.

We have to be proactive in our mental health. We have to seek help.

Coming here helps, but it is nothing compared to a counselor or doctor. So please think about it.

You will have that hopeful feeling again. It just takes time.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/9/2014 7:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen, I am military and it is NOT confidential and there is a huge stigma. Although I don't have intentions in hurting myself, members are placed on a profile and their chain of command is contacted.

Mental health in the military has improved by leaps and bounds, but because I understand the process in depth - I know how the military medical community sees those that seek help and I know where I am trapped.

I have sought help before discreetly and paid out of pocket, but couldn't find the right person. Five more years until I retire and we will see how long I can make it. I want to move away and just live on a few acres in peace and quiet, not options for me right now.

I guess I came here because I don't know what else to do. I feel trapped.
Posted 2/9/2014 7:56 PM (GMT 0)
In the meantime try to find daily coping skills that will help. Mindfulness is one. Check out www.mindful.org for a great place to start. Journaling is another good skill, gets your emotions out and more organized in your head.

Things can change, age has nothing to do with it. We are never stuck in the muck! It depends on how hard we work on our stuff and seek help. I understand you current situation, but that too, will change.

Continue to post here, we listen and support the best we can.

Peace and courage
Trina
Posted 2/14/2014 3:45 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Trina. Bad week thus far at work, too much going on with other folks to take a break and breathe. By the time I get home I am in paralysis and angry, tired. My husband placates me and patronizes me, but moreso out of not knowing what to say.

I feel just hollow, I have to wait until I am back from my deployment to get help...I am looking forward to deploying in being able to just live in very strict routines.

I am scared I will wake up 80 never having living a enriched life with any joy. If I make it there...I know I sound hopeless and I hate to bring everyone down, but I don't know where else to express that simple fact that I am without hope.
Posted 2/14/2014 9:47 AM (GMT 0)
Hang in there Sad, Things will get better. Just don't lose hope. I am sorry things are hard at work. I guess we all have bad weeks. So we understand.

Keep living in the moment. Take life one day at a time. Be mindful.

You will feel better soon...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/15/2014 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
sadphantom, the feeling of hopelessness you are describing is very familiar to me right now. I, too, feel hollow and like there is nothing that could possibly bring me joy.

One thing that is getting me through this time is reaching out to people and connecting myself to others any way I can. Posting here and reading others posts helps. I encourage you to keep posting. I have been so touched by the kind responses I have gotten. You are not alone, though I'm sure it feels like it.

You say that 2000 was when your life was forever changed. Is that when you joined the military? Are you going for 20 years? My husband is in the military and though I don't have my own first hand experience with it, I do see him go through a lot. If you don't mind me asking, what made you pursue a military career? Is there anything that you recall about it in the beginning that brought you joy and that you could try to recapture? If you will retire in 5 years, I can assure you that the best years of your life are not behind you and hopefully, the years of service you have put in will afford you some financial security to set yourself on a path to something that brings you more hope and happiness on a regular basis.

Thank you for your service. I know that the mental health system in the military has improved, but you are right that it is still not where it should be, and for that I am sorry.

Time will help.
Posted 2/17/2014 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
Kate,

Thank you so much for responding. I am trying to reach out to others here because I do enjoy trying to offer encouragement to others. I don't connect with anyone anymore after moving so many times, hard to find female friends in my realm. When I think of someone else's life...I can imagine all the possibility for good moments and memories yet to be made, I just can't ever imagine it for myself.

A few things happened in 2000 that at some point I could explain, heart broken a few times, some realizations about myself and just a year of major changes in my life....my military career has always been something that has propelled me forward and pushed me to excel, but it's so conditional ("You are only good if you do X, Y and Z...") that I am burned out from the expectations. I am a perfectionist (which is dangerous and I fall short daily of most expectations I set for myself), and I am just worn down. I took a break in service for a few years and came back in 2003 and I just barely can do it anymore. If you met me in person, you might not notice because I work hard to keep everything concealed and put up a façade...underneath it all, I am just broken. I am tired of being judged at every moment and worrying that I can no longer keep up.

I hate to know that you too carry around that hollow feeling, there are a lot of ways I could describe it, but it's so heavy. Thank you for your kind words...today was a rough day and anxiety ridden and your understanding helped.
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