The past couple days

I didn't want to hijack the daily thread with my issues over the past few days. My grandmother is furious that neither of my parents are helping me. My mother is telling everyone that I sent her a horrible text and called her names. I didn't, of course. I did suggest that it would be better if we gave each space for a while. She never answers the phone or texts back anyway. I do have the texts and messages she left. My grandmother called my mom and told her I needed help. Mom texted me and asked why I won't talk to her. I told her that may have to do with her last message calling me a ***** and to never call her again. She has offered to pay my lawyers fees, if she gets a settlement from my uncles wrongful death suit.

Things with the soon to be ex just exploded. He got mad that I made an itemized list of all of the marriage property. He responded by calling me the c word and threatening to take everything and run. Things escalated from there. I lost my cool and so did he. I had to call the police and will be getting an order of protection tomorrow per the cops advice. The soon to be ex did call and apologized. He said it was bad communication. He came over tonight because someone told him I was having laptop issues. He fixed it and left. Right now I'm feeling like the order of protection may do more harm than good.

Therapy last week stirred up memories and emotions that I'm not comfortable with. I'm not sure what to do with it all. I'm overwhelmed. This whole divorce has me panicked for more than one reason. I still love the jerk and I'm terrified of ending up like my mom.

My loved ones are all pushing me to take my soon to be ex to the cleaners. I want what's fair but I still care about him. It's ridiculous. I'm more worried about him being happy than me. He helped me when I had no one. I do love him. The burying reason, full acceptance of a person kind of love. I'm incredibly loyal and I owe him. It feels wrong to do anything that would upset him. I'm hoping therapy this week will help put things in perspective. All in all, just a cruddy few days. I've never wanted a weekend over faster. Good news is I get my kids for the next 3 weekends in a row.

I feel really selfish but I keep thinking why does what I want and need not matter? I'm not sure I can handle all of this. I've got nothing. I can barely afford to feed myself and the kids and that's without rent or utilities. I'm so sick of this. I am beyond tired of my day to day being such a struggle. I don't have the time with all of the stress to enjoy anything except for the few glimpses of my kids that I get. The kids are so heartbroken. They love that jerk and his family and they all just have cut them off. I've made my kids live through all of my failures. It can't be good for them.

I want them to have so much better than I did. I feel like I'm doing the same thing my mother did to me. She husband hopped my whole life. I was never as important as any man was to her. They deserve so much better. I don't want them to experience to any degree what my childhood was.

This is tough stuff. Keep moving forward and making a plan to make the best of yourself and the best possible life for your kids. Maybe keep a journal of your plan forward and hot down every little step you take in the right direction, no matter how small. When I am at my lowest, I congratulate myself for getting a load of laundry folded. Make sure you give yourself credit even for the smallest things right now.

Your kids have only one mother and that is you. We all want better for our kids than what we had and it sounds like you are working to do that for them.