Depressed/Verbally abused. Help?

Hey, my name's Haley and I'm 16 years old. I just registered here, to see how this might go for me and I see its a pretty nice community and I trust that some of you may care about my situation.

It started when I was 12. I became depressed, like seriously depressed. My mom didn't want to take me to a therapist or a doctor for it, because she thought 'hey lets just talk you out of this' (I love my mom don't get me wrong she's, amazing.) I was depressed because I'm home-schooled, (there for judged by my small Alabama town -_-) And I had no friends. When I say no friends? I mean no fake friends, no aquaints, no cousins I could hang out with, literally nobody but my sister and she's always been 5 years younger than me and so we honestly.. Didn't have much in common. So I mean I wasn't eating, I was staying in bed all day, I was doing nothing but hurting, my step dad wouldn't stop blaming me everyday for the pressure I was giving my mom, but she didn't blame me she only wanted to help me, and it was just really bad.

My step dad, has verbally abused me since 11 years old, but I figured out how to block it out and not let it hurt me when I was 11. But through the course of a few years, I got really sensitive from all the wear and tear of the words he's been throwing at me and throwing at me. So at 14, I decided.. Hey! Why don't I get responsible, do my own chores, be a better more obedient kid and everything will get better! Yeah that worked out for one year.

John, (step dad) was absolutely shocked that I was doing all of this, and my mom had told him I was trying to make him proud. (I was) But after the shock of me doing all my chores and making the house look nice wore off.. It got bad again because he'd always want me to out perform myself. ''WHY AREN'T YOU PERFECT!" ''I don't want you to be perfect just to try your best'' ''Why can't she be like her sister!?'' I remember all of these words, like they were yesterday. They really really hurt me!

So this year, I decided that I don't care enough about him to try and impress him, I don't care enough about anything he is to try and make him happy and/or proud because I'll NEVER MAKE HIM PROUD!

This year I started regular Anxiety attacks. I recovered myself from most of my social anxiety, but I than started these panic attacks (I've always had panic attacks) And regular anxiety. And its not just from my step dad anymore because I mean I get anxiety from some people in public, some places just set it off, some foods give me anxiety, gory movies gives me anxiety and so I don't watch those, gory descriptions, scary things, (Everything is basically scary to me because I don't fully know ALL of my triggers yet) Uhm.. Just a lot of things give me anxiety, and it really really hurts. I've lived so long, wanting to kill myself and get out of this but I can't just go out the easy way.

I decided to start reading Demi Lovato's book, 'staying strong 365 days a year' HIGHLY recommend it to any of you going through any kind of emotional trauma or anything like that she's very inspirational. I finally opened up to my mom about most of my feelings but of course she doesn't know how I feel but I try my best to get her to understand. (oh when I was 12 she got me depression meds but they made me more suicidal so yeah DON'T go to saint john's. We're all different but for me and others I've heard it makes you more suicidal as well.) Okay so this year, mom bought me an anxiety roll on scent oil thingy, and it smells of lavender and its really good I put it on in the morning and it somewhat calms me down. She also got me two anxiety tea's and of you're curious, I'll tell you what they're called.

But they're not enough. I feel like I need a therapist, but I'm afraid to ask and I'm ninety percent sure I wouldn't be able to get one! I mean she declined it last time.

Ugh. Long story short, also I went to this church.. And they bullied me as well. They also ignored me for 4 1/2 years and let me cry in the bathroom throughout service and a lot of the girls backstabbed me too.


Sorry this is so long. :(

Uhm.. Okay and yeah now I have really bad anxiety and depression. I feel like nobody looks at verbal abuse from coming from family anymore. I know I can't be the only one, but such a low amount of people are reaching out online or even in our daily lives, that nobody really cares that much anymore or thinks about it. Like in magazines, they discuss verbal abuse? Its coming from teenagers. If it was coming from kids, I feel like I'd be able to handle it more I've learned how to deal with that. But from my own step dad, the man supposed to love me? HOW do I handle that. Everytime I REACH OUT, everytime I TRY to talk to him he blames me and makes me super humiliated and hurt. And sometimes, he'll take me outside to chop wood and sometimes he's in a good mood so it'll be fun and we might bond some but none of it is real. He has to love my selfishly or something because I can't stand this!! He's making me conflicted and confused, and I'm ALREADY conflicted and confused enough from JUST being a freaking teenager!!!!!!

I have an amazing church now, beautiful community.. Nice friends.. they help soo much.. But I just, I don't know what to do. Life is so hard right now.

I know most of you probably didn't read all of that but if you did, thank you.

-Haley

Thanks for sharing your story, Haley. You've certainly tried to do everything in your power to overcome your struggles, and you sound very mature. It's extremely hurtful to have adults in your life that criticize you, but you need to remember that you are not the cause of these negative emotions coming your way. There's nothing you've done to deserve that treatment. The same thing goes from being bullied by other teens. You are obviously doing your best and no one should expect more than that or compare you to your sister.

It's sad that you had a bad church experience as well, and I have to agree with you and the moderator. It's time to talk to a counselor and get some professional help. Perhaps you could start by talking to a guidance counselor at your school. Maybe they could help bring your mom into the loop and explain that you need more than tea and oils to calm your anxiety.

Is there another adult you could talk to that you trust? Like a relative, youth pastor, neighbor or favorite teacher? It's so good that you're sharing your thoughts here and I pray that those in your church and social circles will be even more open to your needs.

Likely, your step-father had this kind of role model for a parent. He may think he is loving you and cheering you on, because that is what his dad did. In his mind, this is how a real dad loves children to make them successful.

Talk to mom about how much this is breaking you down.

My BF has this problem, and it springs from how his father interacted with him. I understand this, but I also call him on his criticisms. Over the years, he has gotten some better, but it gets worse with stress and depression. I warn him when he starts making negative statements. We are still working on this, but at least he has finally heard how it makes me feel.

You cannot change the past. You need to let it be, and work for now.