Coping with a depressed partner...

I'm sure this topic comes up a lot, but I figure it is a very worthy one. I will start off by saying I'm no slouch when it comes to understanding depression - I've dealt with it a bit myself, and I'm even a graduate student in psychology. However studying how people feel and having been through things in the past doesn't mean you are currently feeling them right NOW.

And it doesn't always take the strain off of relationships.

My partner has suffered from depression for a very very long time. Most of the time he is more dysthymic than majorly depressed, while occasionally he will swing into a deeper depression. This is his basic range: his better or "good" days are simply described as "blah" or pretty boring, and the worse days are filled with anger and discomfort.

I have known him for many years now and we have lived together for the past year. As his partner, I try my best to be supportive by listening when he needs me to, not judging him, and just giving him understanding - but this gets exceedingly trying the closer you feel to a person.

I am at the point now of trying to remind myself daily that the depression is the monster causing problems and taking him away from himself, while it is the "him" underneath who I love and miss. The problem is - I miss him so bad, and I am feeling starved for affection and attention.


They say that being the closest person to someone with depression can make it feel contagious, and I feel that strain on me now. Talking with him frequently feels like walking on eggshells, as almost anything said, even with good intentions, can be taken the wrong way. Talking about my needs for affection results in him telling me simply that he can't help it, he feels no desire to be near anyone most days (which I know is true, but it doesn't soothe my pain). Trying gently to encourage various things that I think may be positive or helpful can so easily come off in his eyes as controlling or just flat stupid. Quite simply - I feel utterly helpless, and it hurts terribly.

What I would love to hear is more advice from anyone here on tips to deal with a severely depressed loved one, ways to offer support or encouragement that don't come off as judgment or pressure, or ways to feel close? Or beyond that - just any supportive words.

In regards to treatment - he has tried most meds and very few are helpful to him but he was okay with wellbutrin. He is currently in a position where his doctor/insurance and possibly medication situation may be changing, so I am hopeful he will be able to look into different treatment options soon.