I'm feeling so lost in my depression and anxious about the hospital

I missed it! What night is it on??? I like Ray Donovan too!

Don't mean to take your thread off track, but I liked Dexter so much too and the way it ended was strange... It could continue... But it probably is done...

Have a good night!!!

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Karen:

Ray Donovan comes on, on Sunday night at 9:00 and the way Dexter ended was strange, they could actually continue it, Dexter could come out of hiding and go find Harrison & his girlfriend and continue on with his killing ways but you're right it's probably done.

Just popping in to say hello. I watched Longmire once. Looked good.

Have a good day you guys...

Hugs, Karen...

Hey HFO,

How are you? How is your weekend going?

Didn't realize you were in Georgia, we used to live in Virginia Beach and it was very humid :) so not that pleasant to get out and walk a lot.

One question....who is Ray Donovan!!?? missed that somewhere, don't have cable anymore, only my precious Roku box and Netflix.

I'm so glad you got out to the grocery store, sounds so simple really but it's not, I also could not go for several months when I was so depressed, couldn't function so did nothing.

I am so sorry you feel empty, alone and worthless, you know though you're not worthless? I totally understand it though, those awful feelings, the emptiness is a feeling I wouldn't want anyone to go through either.

Oh, honestly I had tears in my eyes reading about the dumb, thoughtless things that have been said to you, how on earth can someone ask you why you weren't adopted, wow, so cruel and I so hope you know it's not because of you. I think I've mentioned this before but you are way ahead of most people.

Apparently my bio mom had wanted me to go in to foster care then get me back later on, well she didn't get me back, not sure of the whole story, then I was adopted which has basically haunted me, there is that hole inside, don't think anyone can understand unless they've experienced it, just lost really. Think that's why I just kind of roamed around in my 20's, searching for something.

I can look back now and see how much it has affected me, being made fun of, all those feelings....as a child I was in fear all the time in case someone found out and my adopted siblings and I look so different so there were always questions there, why don't you look like your sister?....my brother (adopted)and I are actually only 2 months apart so that was not fun explaining that.

I've battled a long time with not being wanted, think it's time to go back in to therapy for this!! :)

Not sure what movie to watch tonight, I'd rather like a thriller, I'll walk my dog as if I put it off for too long I feel worse, always feel better in the fresh air.

What are you up to tonight?

I hope you are okay and I'm proud of you for getting to the store as I know it can be beyond hard to do, hugs....peace tonight....

Hi Thundercloud,

How was your day today?

I'm a little better right now, I was in a lot of pain today my head was hurting most of the day and my meds were taking forever to kick in and things were blurry. It finally went away and I was able to get online.

No it's not too pleasant here for me in the summer, I'm still not too use to this humidity. So no, not great for getting out for a walk.

Ray Donovan is a series that comes on Showtime. He's kind of like a fixer for rich folks or bad guys. Like Kerry Washington on Scandal how she fixes problems for people in politics, he kind of fixes problems for rich folks and celebrities at any cost. He covers up crimes and all kinds of stuff.

I was glad that I went to the store also,I'm still a little ashamed of myself for the bad bout of depression where I didn't leave the house for months that was about 5 or 6 years ago. I feel as bad as I did then right now but I'm working and fighting hard not to do that again where I don't leave the house at all, I didn't answer the phone and I only went online to pay my bills or order food. So I am trying hard through this episode because it's not just me, my daughter is a little older now and I know she would notice so I have to do whatever I can to fight falling back in that deep.

I'm working on feeling like I'm not worthless, that is one of my strongest emotions and one that kind of holds me back from things. I have this idea that if my own mother doesn't love why should anyone else and why was it that no one else ever really did so that kind of makes me have feelings of worthlessness.

Thanks for saying I'm way ahead of most people, I kinda feel like I'm behind most people. Everyone seems so strong and seems to deal with their mental health and even physical health problems really well and have these coping skills down packed. I guess I wish I were stronger and didn't allow things to make me feel so depressed, anxious and scared. I did feel like I wasn't adopted because of me because by the time I was put in the system I had just been diagnosed with depression and PTSD and I had issues with self harm and no one wanted to deal with that and I was a big kid by then. So I felt unwanted but never expected people to actually ask my why wasn't I adopted. I cringe when I hear the question.

I'm sorry you've had to battle with not being wanted. I know that is a very painful feeling and emotion. I'm sorry your bio Mom didn't come get you back, mine didn't want me back. Yes, I can understand that hole inside and that lost feeling. I roamed around a lot also for many, many years, sometimes I feel like I'm still roaming at times, searching for something. I hope that going back into therapy will help you, having someone to talk to really helps and learning about the coping skills helps a lot too. Has therapy help you a lot before?

I'm sorry that affected you so much and that you were made fun of, I know that had to be hard for you. I know the fear of someone finding out must have been hard for a child to have to worry about. Then having to answer all those questions. I'm sorry you had to go through that. During my pre-teen and teen years I didn't really deal with much, I mean it was hard being in foster care & group homes and being moved around so much and I never wanted other kids to find out but I didn't really deal with things back then. When things got too hard or I got depressed I turned to self harm and ended up in the hospital so I use to spend more time in the psych hospital than I did out of the hospital. So I never really knew how to deal with things or my feelings I just reacted. So having to actually feel painful emotions and memories are somewhat of a challenge for me because I never had to feel things before. So even though I'm doing kind of bad, I'm really trying hard to deal with things and not just keeping it in and reacting.

Have you decided what movie you're going to watch tonight? A thriller sounds good, I love Thrillers. I'm glad to hear that the fresh air makes you feel better, so I hope you took the dog for a walk.

I'm not up to much tonight, once my headache/migraine went away and the blurred vision eased up I played UNO for a little while and then I got online and now I think I'm going to watch Rogue it's about an undercover cop, it's a series only on DirecTV and then watch Perception, it's about a professor with schizophrenia who helps the FBI solves crimes, Black Box is about a neurosurgeon who is Bipolar, I like to see people with mental illness with successful careers, and then I'll watch Murder In The First & Mistresses. I can't watch a lot of shows because they come on at the same time so I set my DVR to record them and I watch them later.

I hope you find a good thriller to watch tonight.

Hello Rob--

Continuity...or not. One thing I really like about this forum is that I see people going "off topic," and I find it refreshing.

Seems that most people with depression appreciate other discussions, and women are pretty good about jumping subjects and being able to come back to the original topic--and I sure don't mean that in a negative way to either gender! :)

When it's enjoyable to talk about something else, while keeping the main message at heart, it helps to alleviate anyone's reluctance to post. It also gives a little insight into the life of someone else, other than the tough times.

And, I don't always believe a new thread needs to be started to talk about "side issues." In my opinion, this group does just fine with throwing in other thoughts now and then. Helps break up the seriousness.

Hope you're having a good Sunday with Gizmo!

Jan

Hello HFO ......

   A few things to add:

   You have a much bigger concern than I with your daughter for the time away. And this is NOT to minimize but:

   In January of 2012, I went into the hospital with kidney failure (due to the cancer) - and was in the hospital for 14+days. I also had pneumonia along with the kidney failure and was then sent to a rehab place for another 14+days. I have COPD as well - so was on oxygen for much of the 29-days of total time.

   My poor dogs had to be boarded for 30-days in total time. My neighbor was nice enough to pick me up from rehab after the first week there and drive me to my vet where the dogs were boarded. So I got to see both of my guys about a week before finally coming home.

   My old dog was nearly 15-years old, and he lived for another three months after getting home. He was old and in bad shape - but was with me to 15-years and 2-months. My young dog, Gizmo was just under a year old at the time. In fact, i missed his first birthday - was in rehab then. I believe much of Gizmo's fear of people came from being away for 30-days and in isolation of a boarding center in the lower level of my vets animal hospital.

   My vet gave me a great discount and personally took care of my older dog for 6-days a week for that month ....... BUT I am paranoid about leaving a dog in boarding too long!!!!! No matter where!!!!

   NOW ......... don't get paranoid!!!!! OK? It's maybe 4-days for you - right?

   Rob & Gizmo

 

Try to have faith that everything will be okay. Sometimes we have fear of the unknown, that is when we have to let go and just have faith. I know you can do this. Things are going to be okay...

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Karen,

I have to work on the faith part, I don't have a lot of that but you're right it is a fear of the unknown and I need to work on that.

I'm also hoping things will be okay.

Jan ..............

   I've seen that Will Rodgers comment before. I couldn't agree more with it! In fact, at least one daughter knows I want the ashes of my Bear (a 15+ year old 48-pound Norwegian Elkhound) and of Sir Charles (a 12+ year old 65-pound Standard Poodle) buried with me - when the time comes.

   Gizmo (my 3+ year old 42-pound Samoyed) will need a good home - and I have one future potential one - picked-out thru the local Samoyed Rescue Group.

   Yep .... dogs can become the strongest non-judgemental part of ones family!

   By the way - you owe me no apology!

Thanks for Will Rodgers wisdom!

Rob & Gizmo

 

Hi Rob,

I will try to think of this as baby steps for the future. I would just feel so much safer if I had family for her to be with at a time like this. I think this is what family is for and not an acquaintance or paid babysitter. I feel like I've let her down by not having family to offer her.
I guess I think of someone like this for something like me going on a date or something and I'm still just a phone call away. I just hate for there to be an emergency with her or me and she's not with family. I just feel really bad for that and I know I probably shouldn't and I'm in tears over it just thinking about it.

I don't like to be selfish or ask too much of anyone or ask for something inappropriate I don't know just have a lot of thoughts.

Hi Thundercloud,

Today has been an emotional day and my weekend, well I made it through it. How was yours? I'm so glad to hear from you this evening! I promise you I was saying the exact same thing the other night after I read your last post, I said oh my goodness she feels so many of the same feelings I have it's kinda hard to believe, it's like you're sitting over there at your computer typing out my thoughts.

Therapy has helped me a lot over the years the only problem is I don't stick with it. My problem is either I start to feel a little better and don't want to talk about stuff that depresses me so I go through that I'm cured phase or they want to work on something that is too hard for me or maybe and instead of me trying to work through it I kinda storm off and don't go back or there have been times when I had a good therapist and then they go promoted or changed jobs and starting over was just too hard. My current therapist is somewhat new, my last one went over seas in the service to work with people in the service. I forgot how long she is enlisted for but that was hard, it's hard starting over and trusting someone new.

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been in tears over the past years wishing your daughters had a better family. My heart goes out to you and it's just amazing that someone else actually felt that way. That's one of my biggest struggles, wishing she had family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I just think everyone deserves that, you know that extra love and support. I have that issue with feeling like I let her down or I worry that it will be a issue for her in her life one day, and I have a little guilt for only having one, a lot of Moms corner me about having an only child all the time. When she was 3 there was this retired teacher at this Moms day out thing I went to and it was her and a few other Moms and they practically cornered me with all the when are you having another questions (keep in mind I'm not even married) and then the retired teacher told me that the worse thing you can do to a child is to make them an only child, she said it's cruel they're lonely and always trying to buy affection and that she can spot an only child in each classroom and boy did those words stick with me like song, I cried for weeks about that. So that's another thing I feel like I let her down on it's like I feel it is my fault and it hurts so bad.

I'm sorry that you don't have your adopted family in your life and I hate that your brother is beyond cruel & awful. My bio family has always been that way. I'm sure it's hard having in-laws that you didn't really want your kids around or having an awful husband. I know those issues must be harder on your depression, yet you still sound like a strong & beautiful person.

I'm almost at a loss for words hearing you say that you feel so alone and long for family and that you always have. It's like my heart goes out to you even more and I just want to reach out and hug you and at the same time I'm thinking I can't believe someone else feels that way. I've never heard anyone say my exact feelings as their own. I also wish I had family to call and be loved by, and I would be there for them too, it hits me especially hard around the holiday's or special occasions. I've noticed I've been in somewhat of a downward spiral since my daughters elementary graduation and just feeling the sting of not having anyone else there and then putting off the surgery, it's gotten me to how I'm feeling today. So you're right it is that longing inside, it's hard to truly explain because most people will say I have a family with my daughter and I SHOULDN'T be depressed about not having family but when it's something you never really had there's just a void and a longing for it and it's something that I still need to truly take the time to work through.

You're not a debbie downer, you can be open and honest with me anytime about how you're feeling or what you've been through because it doesn't bring me down, it actually helps me to feel like I'm not alone or like someone else feels this way or can at least understand how or why I feel this way and it also helps me to be able to actually give someone else a little support. No matter how bad I may be feeling, I never want anyone else to feel like I do or get as low as I do so it's nice to be able to offer support to others.

Oh I'm so glad to hear that you laugh so much with your daughters that is definitely a good thing, it's good that you have that. It's good to hear that you have a good relationship with them. It is nice when I share a laugh with my daughter.

My surgery is still scheduled for Thursday. Yesterday I accomplished absolutely nothing on my list to be able to go through with surgery and had a practically disastrous meeting with my therapist, I wrecked things for my own fearful/selfish reasons and today we made some calls and got some things done.

Thank you for saying kids are resilient and don't worry about certain things like we do, I have been told that before but there's a difference with it coming from someone who understands how I'm feeling and has raised kids themselves.

Thanks for thinking of me, I was thinking of you too.