addicted to hospitals

I am always thinking about ways to get up in the hospital. I crave being put to sleep. I want to be intubated. I want to have injuries or illnesses that require hospitalization, surgery, or meds. The thoughts become overwhelming, obsessive at times.
I have hur myself in the past. I have faked some things before.
I don't understand where these thoughts come from.
I can be be driving down the road and want to have a wreck, or I have will not drink so I will get dehydrated.
I love the feeling of a hospital bed. I love the nurse being a call away.
but its not for the attention really. I jsut feel satisfied by er trips, and having somethiong wrong with me.

what the "ell is my problem?
I cannot be honest to anyone about this.

is there help for me?
again, its not attention seeking.

Thank you for trusting the people on the forum enough to tell us all that. I know it probably wasn't easy.

I agree that you do need to see a therapist. They would be able to help you figure out what's really going on. Basically, you are getting some "need" fulfilled when you go to the hospital, something that you aren't getting met any other way. A therapist can help you to determine what it is that you get out of being in the hospital, and having all those things done to you/for you. Once you know what the "need" is, you can work on finding other, safer, healthier ways to meet it.

I think in some way, I can relate to your situation. For a year or so, about 15 years ago, I was sort of "addicted" to the psych hospital. In a weird way, it was comforting. I was so incredibly depressed, the majority of the time struggling with wanting to end my life, and knowing they were there to sort of take care of me and that they were by my side, pretty much putting one foot in front of the other for me, made me feel cared for, cared about. Felt like i couldn't handle even the thought of taking care of myself. They were a security blanket for me. When I didn't care enough about myself to do basic things like eat/drink, take medication, or deal with everyday problems, I let them care for me, I let them "do the work". Yes, in many ways, I was very sick and really did struggle to survive on my own, but looking back, I do see that I became dependent on them. They provided me with care, comforting, and it was easier to check back into the hospital than to try to stand on my own two feet. I know it's not the same, but I was getting needs met that otherwise would not have been met. It was rewarding in a way. The sicker I was, the more they did for me and cared for me. I spent more time in the hospital than out. My last admission for depression, etc, was about a year ago. I know that I have to be careful about using the hospital, and anytime I think of going inpatient, I have to really look at whether I need it or just want it. I have to figure out what I am looking for, what do I want to get out of it?

I think that the post from getting by is right on, and that it's not worth risking really seriously hurting yourself or other innocent people, to get that feeling of comfort. You can find it other places. Please seek out a therapist. If you don't have one or know how to find one, I would suggest contacting your primary care doc and asking for a referral. Start there. And I know it will be tough, but being honest with the doc/therapist is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Your problem is not at all uncommon, and actually is quite logical when you think about it....for whatever reason, you weren't getting the comforted feeling (or maybe cared for feeling) from somewhere else, and you did find it with the hospital. So of course you keep finding ways to go back. BUT you have to stop the cycle and find those feelings another way. If you continue what you're doing, you will end up hurting yourself or possibly someone else, and you will always be searching for the next "fix" to fill that empty spot inside of you.

Please call your doc today and get a referral to a therapist. Remember, the therapists, they aren't there to judge you, they have heard lots of different ways that people use to get needs met, and to get help, you have to be honest about things. You can do it!! There is a much better life out there for you!!

It sounds like Munchhausen syndrome to me. Your symptoms seem to match up with those. I agree with the others; you're very brave to tell other people something like this. It takes a lot of guts and it does seem like you want help. I know there is some sort of treatment for this, I'm just not sure what. So you definitely need to talk to a psychiatrist. The more honest you are, the better equipped your doctor will be to help you. There is no need to lie anymore if you really want to get better and start leading a more fulfilling life. There IS help for you. Believe in that. I hope you seek out the help you need and I wish you all the best.

somewhere in your brain, these things and the hospital became your safe place, probably. The brain is amazing in how it responds to trauma, or who knows what.

I feel your pain in your post, and I"m so very sorry. Have you ever heard of factitious disorder? Do you find there are area's you may "lie" about other than medical things? I don't know a lot about it, but its a real illness listed in the DSM. Maybe google it?

I do hope you are able to find someone that will truely care and be able to help. I too have been burned by my local mental illness treatment community. I had to go to the next biggest city clost to me to get any type of help.
And a doctor has Pt/dr confidentiality but when it comes to your safety I'm not so sure they could not, NOt say something to the hospitals, or whoever it is they report to.
but that may not be a bad thing.

it sounds like you may be ready to get help and I hope you do. Keep posting. Maybe "saying" it for the first time with help a little, if nothing else take a load off your shoulders.

take care of yourself. Its okay to be well. You deserve it.

You aren't crazy. I have ocd. I can relate to certain things being comforting. For me, I'm a severe germaphobe. I will wash, sanitize, and bleach repeatedly. I have burned my hands because hot water cleans the best. I didn't want to burn myself but I had to follow that compulsion to feel better. You tell yourself that you can just do this one thing and then you'll be ok but it escalates until you are doing things that scare you.

A good dr understands that illness isn't always readily apparent. Do what you have to to help yourself. Your family sounds great. Give them a chance to help. As well as we think we are hiding these behaviors, usually someone has an inkling. Its not rasy but it is necessary.

welcome to the forum.

I edited your post do to the triggering statements. Do read our rules when you have a chance.

Seems you have a severe form of selfharm. I strongly suggest that you discuss this with your doctor. I am sure they will be understanding and concerned. Mostly will referr you to a good therapist for this kind of issue. You need help to get over this, you are not alone people are available to help you.

Peace
Trina