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Posted 8/31/2005 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
confused  Hi I am new to this site. I usually visit the crohns site had it for over 30 yrs. I have been out of work since April of 2004. DD finally has taken my life over. House bound, I want to chance an accident, NOT. Sometimes I will visit my brothers house he understands this dd and it is just down the road. to go any where else I have to quit eating for a day and take lots of dirarhea drugs and were pads. Fun, at first I just stayed home now I will ride to the gas station or the store down the road and just used there bathroom just to get out. Well now this even seem dumb, Sometimes I wonder why I exist. I dont want to eat or drink anything it just runs right through me, but after you get so hungry its like oh well gotta eat so needless to say the bathroom is my domain. now I feel like I useless cause I cant work or contribute much to the bank account so I tried to do as much as I could around the house to feel worth anything. lately I have been so tired I dont do much at all. Now I have a different feeling like I am being used. I was not taken out of work to wait on people cook or clean or babysit the grandchildren or be at my families beckon call. Have they forgotten how sick I am. I hear comments made from them. They say they are joking I know better. Last night my husband asked me to go to my brothers, I didnt feel up to it. He said I was boring. Later that evening he said the neighbor was out on her picnic table with a drink in her hand and I said maybe you should go over there she is boring, He said I was sick. OH now Im sick and boring. He didnt remember earlier saying I was boring. I said why dont you just put me in a nursing home I am so useless anyway and he said why spend the money and just keep me here. I think they need someone to abuse to make them feel better. I dont want to be here anymore. Im sorry to do this on my first time here.I just want to go away and be alone.How sick is that.
Posted 9/1/2005 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
Daffy,

It doesn't appear that you really do want to be alone or you wouldn't have shared here. This is a safe place to vent and fall apart. You do have some very difficult circumstances. Does your doctor know how desperate you are feeling? There may be a next step in managing your disease (I know nothing about Chrohns but I do have chronic illness and I really feel for you).

Sometimes we assume that the doctor knows how bad things are. But he won't unless you tell him.

Glad you had a chance to vent here. I hope some of the others come around to give you some support.

Blessings!
Posted 9/1/2005 6:26 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Daffy,

I'm so sorry to hear how sick you are and how difficult it is for you.

It's okay to be sick and you're not boring because you don't want to go out. Unfortunately our spouses get as frustrated as we do by our diseases and the person they take them out on is us, even though it's not fair.

My husband and I had a similar challenge. One day when I felt strong enough I sat him down and talked to him. I told him how sick I was. I told him how frustrated I was and it was okay for him to be frustrated. I told him I was doing my best. And I told him I needed his support. I explained what that meant - encouraging me when I was doing things, helping me when I wasn't feeling well, letting it be okay when I was sick, picking up the slack when I'm sick. I explained the things he was doing that weren't helpful - my husband is fairly sarcastic so he would make nasty jokes or ridicule me and all that would do was push me down and I explained how that made me feel.

This was a lot to do especially when I didn't feel well. And it was a lot to get a man to listen to. And there are many times when I have to repeat parts of it but our wedding vows said in sickness and in health and I'm sick right now and he's my partner.

As AlwaysRosie said, this is a perfect place to vent. We have some idea of how your feeling. Good luck knocking some sense into your husband's head. yeah

Posted 9/1/2005 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Daffy ..

Do you like to read?

I'm actually going to school with psychology as my major.  I've experienced many many highs and lows of depression in my life.

I've been seeing a psychologist for a couple of months now for severe depression.  Some of the things that he points out .. are my views on life and with myself .. for example:

"I'm useless."

"I never do anything right."

"I'm stupid."

"Everything is my fault."

"I don't want to talk to this person about my problems because he's just going to .. <insert something here>."

My doctor first suggested this book called .. "Feeling Good: The new mood therapy" by David D. Burns, M.D.

The book is based on the theory of cognitive behavorial therapy.  Basically .. the .. 'i think, therefore i am' thing.

I spent and entire session .. arguing with him heh .. "All this book does is teach you how to play word games." .. "I don't think something like this will work .. you're only tricking yourself." .. "My reality is logical and justifiable .. what's a switch in words gonna do?"

Ok .. So .. I decided that .. what better way to strenghten my point against his little book than to buy it and read it hehe ..

It makes a lot of sense.  When a person is depressed .. they end up creating an alternate reality that is no longer logical or rational.  I spent the past 15 years of my life believing that it was "my fault" what happened in 1991 .. and that all of the things that followed were "deserved"  etc ..

Just a basic point of this book is .. for example .. You're driving along on a road somewhere (guess that's better than a sidewalk eh? :) .. and you hit an animal and that animal dies.  How do you react?  Some don't have a second thought and just keep driving .. some put the car in park and cry .. some really feel horrible about what just happened.  Now .. the trick of it is .. You don't feel a certain way about the actual incident .. You think a certain way about it .. and that thought alone .. is what creates your emotional reaction.

So when a person says .. "I never do anything right." .. that's called an overgeneralization.  Because you have done things right.  But being a depressed person you look over those positive moments. 

This is where I started arguing with my Psychologist heh .. I told him .. "What's the difference between saying .. "I'm useless" or .. what the book / he'd prefer me to say or think .. "Ok, so I'm just not very helpful in this particular incident."  Eh I hate word games .. but it works.

Anyways .. I'm rambling :)  Sorry!  A month ago .. I didn't think I'd ever suggest this book to anyone .. ever!  But I'm applying the information that I learned from that book .. to my daily life and my daily problems .. and it works. 


Cognitive behavoral therapy .. can do wonders.

Good luck

Posted 9/1/2005 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for being there, I do feel like all of the above, yesterday was bad I cried for a while then stopped. I was ok when my husband came home from work but within 10 min. he had me in tears and said I do that to myself, and its been awhile maybe I just need a good cry. Then if I dont do or say something right him and my daughter go shes on drugs thats why.Well enough, no my doc dont know I havent gone to him in sometime for fear of more medical bills I cant pay now. I will have to soon for blood tests. I do like to read when left alone thats when I come on here. my daughter brought home a book on self healing. next she is bringing home a book on quit smoking, nice hey if I wanted to quit I would. I am the only smoker here,my luck. Thanks again I hope to talk again.
Posted 9/1/2005 8:11 PM (GMT 0)
Daffy,

I have CD too and it can be a difficult disease to keep in its proper perspective. What that is I don't know because mine changes from day to day. What is being done by the Docs to get the Crohn's under control? Don't feel alone, I have had it for 40 years a difficulty with people who don't have it is that I don't look sick even when I am in a huge flare. That is what's so great about the HW family. Each of us can relate to much of what you are going through. Good luck and I hope you find relief soon.
Posted 9/2/2005 3:53 AM (GMT 0)

Hello Daffy,

To build on what sillytoes said, cognitive behaviour therapy can do wonders and if you can't get to a therapist a book could do it. There is also a workbook called the Depression Workbook along the same lines. All work on the idea that you're telling yourself negative things and need to "reframe your reframe your cognitions" -change what you're saying to yourself.

I often beat my self up mentally. When I can't do something because I have a headache I tell myself I'm a failure. I have to catch myself and stop telling myself that. I recognize my limits and recognize I'm doing the best I can. I write it down, that helps a lot.

Good luck!

Posted 9/2/2005 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
Thats has alot to do with it CheerDad.I feel unless I am in the hospital people dont think I am sick. I know stress has alot to do with this DD. Sometimes I think a family thats in denial causes more damage than help. Thats a whole different topic. I cant change my family, I love them but there is times when I wish they would leave me alone...I will have to finish this later, my daughter is on her way with the 2 grandchildren for me to babysit. LUCKEY ME Its my fault I dont know how to say NO and this is my life. I must have been a really bad child. Sorry mornings are not good for me. OPPPS Bathroom call gotta run.
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