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Posted 8/29/2014 12:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thought my husband was going to be here for me (emotionally) until I can get my problems resolved, or at least get on the right track. I had asked him to check in on me every eve., to help my mother feel better mainly. She is 45 miles away w/ her own health issues. But she is very worried about my mental state. So my hubby says he has been going to bed around 8 pm, so I asked if he would check in then. Night 1 = called @ 8. Night 2 = not until 9:30 pm, night 3 = 10 pm, & night 4 = never. He is my trigger. When he disappoints, ignores, stands me up, it sends me reeling! & I go to a very dark place. Since we are still married, I feel I am still his responsibility. And he is all there is (w/ my mom being unwell). He thinks my attempts are just for show. I am just trying to manipulate him. So having anything to do with trying to help keep me alive, IS asking too much. It might interfere w/ him play husband to his daughter. Cuz even w/ me in crisis, her want's & needs still trump mine :( Part of my therapy (when I get to therapy) will be to wean myself off of a man that I should have never fallen in love w/, or married. Even in an emergency, he refuses to have my back! Even in a crisis, he refuses to support me, & be there/here for me! :(
Posted 8/29/2014 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
Now try not to project. Don't assume his feelings or his actions. Maybe he is falling asleep and forgetting. We can only go by what we know. write down on a piece of paper what is going on, how he is reacting. Only what you know, not what you think. You may find out there is an explanation for his absence.

I sure do hope you feel better soon. In reality the only one we can count on is ourselves. Don't let yourself get worked up over this. It isn't worth it at all. Give him the benefit of a doubt. Try not to get angry with him... This will only make him correspond with you less.

If he doesn't call you, can you call him? It sounds like you are putting him to a test that he will most likely fail. Like I say, always give the benefit of a doubt. Don't assume. Often assumptions are wrong.

The one way to not get disappointed is to count on him less and do more for you. Take good care of you. Do something nice for yourself. Like I say the only person you can rely on is yourself. The sooner that you realize that, the happier you will be. Do you have anybody else that you can check in with besides your husband? A good friend that you can trust?

I am sorry that he isn't checking in on you, but try not to get mad at him. It is only upsetting yourself.

Take care and relax today. Please do something nice for yourself even if it is just a bubble bath. When I get down sometimes I buy myself something nice. I have fun ordering on the internet and then I get excited when it gets here. So I get happy twice.

Keep posting as it does help. Remember YOU!!!

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/29/2014 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Shari,

Are you on medication, seeing a doc, going to therapy, using coping skills?

It is sad that you and your husband are seperated, there are a lot of emotions just in that.

Karen is correct in that there could be a variety of reasons for him not to be calling. To hold someone to a set schedule is not realistic.

Shari, something I have learned in dealing with my depression and illness's is that I must face them on my own terms. I alone have to own them. Even if they are of no fault of my own. They are now my issues to deal with and confront. No one can fix them for me. I have to be proactive, get the care I need. Learn coping skills and build my tool box, in order to handle the bad times.

Once person can not be there for you all the time. I suggest you find a support group for your diagnosis. You will find people with the same feelings and experiences as yourself. You are not alone.

Peace and strength
Trina
Posted 8/29/2014 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
I expect people to keep their word. Still! Even w/ so many let downs.
Posted 8/29/2014 11:11 PM (GMT 0)
We all do, but things don't always go to plan... I find more and more people I know do not keep their word, and sometimes it is their fault but not always. The thing is we can control whether we let this get upset or not. You will learn these things when you start counseling. All I can say is give him the benefit of a doubt. Try not to get angry. It is better for you if you don't.

I know it upsets you, but you will eventually be able to choose whether it is worth getting upset...

I hope that things go better for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/30/2014 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Shari--

Irresponsibility is a very ugly habit, but many people possess it...or develop it. I completely understand where you're coming from, but please see the flip side. Sounds like your husband gets whammied if he doesn't do as asked (and agrees to). But as others have mentioned, we only have ourselves to really take care of ourselves.

Gosh, if I know two people I can count on, I'm a super fortunate person. So, the way I see it, friction is creating more friction in your case, and that won't create a desire to work together.

I doubt that it's because he doesn't care, but he probably doesn't want to think about you watching the clock on the wall.

Please learn to rely more on yourself, for your mom, too. Maybe you could enlist the services of aid specialists or find all kinds of other outlets!

I wish you well. Chin up! :)
Jan
Posted 8/30/2014 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
I can't call him. His daughter might not like it. How can there be any good reason not to check in on the woman you are married to when she is trying to ? Short of him being in a hospital some where.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/30/2014 2:00:50 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/30/2014 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Here is another side of the coin.

He might not be interested in being that person for you. So, you need to save yourself, on your own terms. I would echo Trina's suggestion of finding another outlet for your pain and anger, and look for support elsewhere.

An end of a marriage is awful. But since you can't count on him being there, start to remake your life on your own. Be nice to yourself.
Posted 8/30/2014 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
I had to edit your post Shari, we can't discuss suicide here. Would you please go to the first thread on the forum. It is called "depression resources". There are sites and numbers that may help you.

I know that this is hard for you. Rejection hurts. If he is indeed rejecting you. It does sound like he is going on with his life with his daughter. If I were you, I would start working on me, get to the therapy. Honestly, it sounds like you need to start moving ahead with your life. No one person is worth ending a life for.

There are also sites that could help you on the thread such as mindful.org and moodgym. I think if you were to move forward and try to get better that your husband will respect you a lot more. That would mean a lot for you. Think of getting better. Try not to be angry. That only makes us feel worse.

I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/30/2014 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
I am trying to find a support group here in Spokane. I don't know how to find 1. I am not religious, so can't ask there. I am sure once I get to a counselor, they can help. But might be a little bit of a wait to get into a counselor.
Posted 8/30/2014 8:29 PM (GMT 0)
Are you opposed to a religious group? There are MANY differences between caring groups.

And "it might take a little bit of a wait to see a counselor"? Have you tried? Come on! Make an effort. You might surprise yourself. Get several phone numbers off the internet, maybe with good ads and close to your home--and call them. See what their pay scale is, and if you have insurance, perhaps it's covered.

Jan
Posted 8/30/2014 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
My brain knows I married the wrong man. I just have to convince my heart. My 1st objective in counseling will be to separate myself from him. To make my heart understand what my brain all ready knows. So much easier said, than done!
Posted 8/30/2014 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
jan1952, w/ Tricare as my insurer I have to get a Dr. referral for counseling. I see my Dr. the 2nd. & the last time I did see a Physiatrist? It took me 3 mos. to get in. So yeah, I am trying!!!
Posted 8/30/2014 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Sure is! But you're on the right realization. Been there myself...
Posted 8/30/2014 10:02 PM (GMT 0)
Awesome Shari!!! Maybe start out with a psychologist or therapist. Maybe you can see one of them sooner than the psychiatrist. Your Dr. can prescribe medication by what the therapist recommends if you have to go that way. I really think you are making good decisions. Once you get feeling better, things are going to fall into place for you. I am really happy you are taking steps to get better.

Hugs, Karen,...

PS we are always here for you...
Posted 8/30/2014 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you, Shari--and I'm sorry for the agony.
Posted 8/30/2014 11:53 PM (GMT 0)
Shari

for a support group, just get on line and search for depression, divorce, grief, your diagnosis, whatever support group SPokane WA and see what come up.

Peace
Trina
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