Hello everyone, I've been reading and reading threads on forums around the web trying to get some understanding of my situation but have finally decided to put mine out there in hopes of some clarity. I'm hoping some people who understand the condition and who may have had similar experiences can shed some light on my confused/devastated current frame of mind and thank everyone ahead of time for any input, as well as apologize for the length as I am a pretty detail oriented and long winded individual.
My LDR girlfriend recently broke up with me 2 weeks ago and has left me feeling completely lost, heart broken, confused, angry.. Etc. And I haven't heard from her since. It was not a mutual breakup by any means but also was not really a turbulent or negative one... More of a compassionate one if you will on her part. We started dating 10 months ago after meeting eachother at a convention.
She manages a hair shop her relative owns as well as helps her relative with another company she also owns. Working full time has its stressors as I am a full time manager myself, which always effected her moods at times. She comes from a rough life in the sense she lost her mom at a young age and her father left... She lost a sister in an accident as well and has endured other hurt and pain as well. She is older than me by 2 years 28/26. Our relationship started out great... It was filled with excitement, passion, and intimacy like most start out with. She told me how much she liked me, missed me, and how I made her feel "different".
I am a bodybuilding enthusiast so I'm in good physical condition and take care of myself. I'm a pretty big guy and she was always very attracted to my muscular build and my loving, caring personality. She would always call me her big intimidating teddy bear because I would do just about
anything for anyone. I've always been the type to try and shoulder the burdens of others while dealing with my own as I have a natural
Passion for helping others.
I guess you could say I "wear my heart on my sleeve" when it comes to emotions and I am a very romantic, affectionate guy. She always said she liked that about
me, and I'm very protective which she also liked because I made her feel "safe". I would drive to see her as much as possible and things were always great. I sent her care packages too sometimes by surprise with workout supplements, protein bars which I took the time to write under each wrapper something I liked about
her everytime I would send them, shirts, cards...
She collected salt and pepper shakers so I ordered one for her collection of 2 peas in a pod. I even sent her a couple of my T-shirts that she would wear as night shirts because she's so small and I'm a big guy. I did everything I could I felt to make her feel appreciated and special. A lot of times she said not to buy her things though because she felt guilty, I could never understand why as I never asked for anything in return.
Around month 3 I noticed a slight change in her behavior.. She started getting distant and less affectionate. I asked her if things were ok and she said yes that she was just feeling depressed. To keep a long story as short as I can I ended up finding out she was on zoloft for anxiety and depression. Through conversations prior to, she had always been upfront and honest with me and let me
Know she didn't believe in love, she was afraid of being heart broken by me and wanted assurance i wouldn't break her heart (funny now that I'm the one heartbroken).
That she viewed everything in a dark way, and was negative toward life in general. Over the months her moods were up and down, she would be super affectionate and loving one minute and depressed, distant, and negative the next. She would express doubts to me Sometimes, and had said such things as "im such a ***** and you're so nice and amazing.. I feel guilty" and "I don't want to hurt you". She mentioned those aspects a few times when we were together.
At one point she was really really bad one day in particular and mentioned she felt as if she was going to do something stupid, I asked what she meant and she said I don't know like hurt myself. I told her I was ALWAYS there for her and she was worrying me, I asked what she meant by hurting herself and she said "please don't pressure me". At that point I started doing hours of research on depression, anxiety and trying to understand it. Understand how I could be there for her and so maybe I could figure out some triggers and/or realize when an episode was coming on. The "pressure" talk had begun...
She at times would tell me that my affection and romance would
Overwhelm her, that she felt Like she couldn't reciprocate it and she wasn't capable Of giving me what I wanted. She would feel "pressured" at times to respond if I said something cute or nice to her (which I did most days).
Again her mood going negative and down, pulling away almost but then she would snap out of it. I would tell her goodnight and goodmorning everyday and she always told me how much she loved it (Usually if I asked her if she still did). Sometimes I wouldn't say goodnight if I felt like she was upset or was acting distant because k felt giving her space was what I should do, but then I would get scolded by her... "Oh so you can't say goodnight to me anymore?" I was so confused. her communication became worse and worse and she was always bad at expressing feelings and considered herself a "vault" and was almost proud of the fact.
I have many many emails with her being affectionate toward me, sending me cute emails at times after I would head to bed because she always stayed up really late and didn't sleep as much as your normal person would, where things seemed seamless and normal. Then came the alcohol abuse pattern in which she would drink after work, weekends and whenever she could really for about
a month. I knew something wasn't right but I didn't know exactly what or why.
When she would drink though she would go
From being sometimes harsh and negative/distant/irritated to very loveable toward me and would
Constantly say how much she missed me, how much I meant to her, compliment me, etc.
At this point I was starting to develop my
Own anxiety because of all the hot and cold spells. One minute I had absolute belief this girl had fallen for me because of her words and actions and then a week later I would be questioning whether she was indeed interested in me at all. Part of me believes she did love me but either didn't recognize it or wouldn't allow herself to believe it. She was so akward at times about
her intimacy toward me and talking about
it to the point she would just say "I like you :)"
then at times I would give her a compliment on a picture or send her some surprise poem
Or something nice and would Just get a "oh thanks" or a smiley face in return and nothing else.
She said she didn't know how to take compliments but other times she would say "you really are the sweetest man on earth, I like you you're so cute" so again... High and low. Sometimes in the goodmorning texts I would get "goodmorning baby I miss you" or "how's my man today", "hey babe" other times for a couple weeks it would just resort to "Hi". She expressed at times not wanting to get out of bed, feeling tired all the Time, muscle aches..
She read dark novels and considered herself to have a dark mind and thought process. Could be very negative at times and have a not give a crap mentality. She also had moments where she was angry and irritable toward me and I could tell I was annoying her by just talking to her.
Then came the last 3 months leading to the breakup. She got drunk one Saturday morning and decided to download a fake number app and prank me. She was acting as if she was another girl flirting with me and saying sexual things and of course I told her j didn't know who it was although she insisted I did...
I had an idea it was her all along but had no proof and I wasn't about
to flirt with some strange girl if it wasn't her because of obvious reasons. A couple days later I confronted her about
it and she swore up and down it was not her... So I downloaded the app myself and text the number and caught her in a lie. She seemed devastated, she didn't want me to find out because she was ashamed of her actions when she was drunk and felt stupid.
That day she really beat herself up bad, I was very upset she lied so intently about
it and she thought for sure I was leaving her. She was paranoid and anxious that was the end and she ruined it. After taking some time to think we talked things over and i forgave her but she continued to beat herself up the next couple of days. The day of she asked me if I had ever cut myself and I said no... I asked if she had and she said yes once before but that was it. She apologized to me the entire night telling me how grateful she was for me, how sorry she was, how much she liked me and how she felt like a crap excuse for a human being. That she was a liar and a fake and I was probably doubting being with her etc. I assured her that we would get past it but that I wouldn't tolerate such acts in the future, that the prank wasn't a big deal but it was the depths she went to hide it from me that was. The following day she started out ok but ended up acting off and distant again mid day. Around this time she had been having trouble getting up on time for work, was late for work a few days which was very not like her at all. I really was frustrated and had enough at that moment and told her I would just talk to her later, she asked what was wrong and j told her I was having doubts about
this, us with her actions. She immediately flipped and said she was going to be better, she was so sorry for acting the way she was and she needed to snap out of it. She didn't want to lose me, sent me a pic of her holding up a card of mine that she carries around in her work bag everyday half covering her face an she looked teared up.
She started communicating like crazy, showering me with affection offering to talk on the phone a lot more (neither of us like talking on the phone for long extended periods). She started telling me she would write in her journal in the past to help her thoughts, and that she had been writing again recently. She took a picture of 2 pages and sent them to me with one reading "I don't want to be along forever, will I be alone for every? I'm afraid to be alone forever". The next page were song lyrics that said "is this love? Could this be love?" Over and over again. I tried not to look too far into it as she always told me not to do but I couldn't help wonder if she was trying to tell me something?
At this point my anxiety was getting really bad, I went to my doc and he started me on celexa. She wanted to see me asap to makeup for the entire situation and my birthday was in a few days. She had never sent me anything and only ever bought me a couple of small things through our months together (which is fine) so when I got down to see her I was blown away that she had 2 full bags of things for me, my favorite items and foods, had cooked me a meal I had been craving for months, and as usual was excited to see me and super affectionate.
It was that day though that we were laying in bed and I noticed on her inner arm... I knew immediately what they were and got concerned asking her what they were. She said she had been cut on a thorn bush and I told her I knew that was a lie. She said if you already know then stop asking me and buried her head in my arms, I said I'm not trying to upset you I just... And she yelled STOP! She wouldn't even look at me and then finally said "I know you're disappointed in me". We ended the weekend on a high note and I was so grateful for her gifts and her thoughtfulness. That was the most I've ever seen her come out and show me anything.
The next month my medication kicked my ass and I was experiencing every side effect listed. She was right there through the entire process making sure I was ok daily, reminding me she was there for me, asking if I was ok, texting me in the morning when I would be off and distant myself. But I soon adjusted and thanked her throughout. It seemed as though she really cared about
me. She went to a wedding with her family out of town and was sending me pics of the whole thing, texting me non stop over those last 2 months, there was no gap in communication, we were the best we have ever been. I thought to myself "wow she must be really
Letting go and falling for me hard". To some they may have considered her behavior smothering but I didn't mind it at all. She was showering me with pictures all day, and when I would be busy or stop talking she would say "where did you go? Babe talk to me". Then she went on a business shopping trip with her relative for her shop for 2 days. Again she was relentless in her texting, telling me how much she missed me constantly, maybe 20 times per day... We had a couple songs we seemed as "our songs" as couples sometimes do and everytime they would play it I would get a random text saying "babe our song is playing!" Everything seemed amazing and flawless and was going great, she let me know when her flight left and texted me when she got home safe like I requested her too with a :) at the end.
The next day though something completely changed. From that time forward she got extremely distant, cold, irritable, she barely said she missed me. The affection levels dropped immensely. My anxiety and insecurities were getting worse again the more days that went on. We started going days with maybe saying a handful of things to eachother, she told me she was feeling overwhelmed lately and she was sorry for being weird. But she never changed really.. I tried giving her space but then got a text saying "playing the silent treatment game now?" When space is basically what she hinted at she needed. So I started talking to her more, tried calling more and being there to support her but I kept my affection way down. Then she kind of asked me if I was ok because I wasn't being affectionate but that she couldn't talk as much because she was super busy with work. (She was, she sent me pictures of her projects a couple times). So then I stepped up
The affection again and was still trying to be there for her and remind her I was thinking of her, told her she was beautiful and oh my mind... She eventually said again I was overwhelming her... At this point I was at a loss, I didn't know what to do or how to support her, how to approach things so I just coasted with everything and let her do most the talking.
She got really sick around this same time and called into work a few days, I rounded up some soup, tea, fuzzy socks, a card, her favorite chocolate and a bear to send to her. She said it was the cutest thing she's ever heard of or had anyone do for her (about
3 weeks ago). That night she text me saying she fell down her stairs and I was a bit worried a first and asked if she was ok, she got annoyed and said "I'm sorry I didn't do it on purpose" ok...? She thought it was hilarious. After I knew she didn't break her neck we both chuckled about
it. The next few days were ok, birthday came and went and she was great to me, she sent me a late email at 12:01 saying she wanted to be the first to wish me a happy birthday and that I was very special to her. She got a little upset because she couldn't be with me on my birthday but I told her no worries, just another day. 3 days came and went and she was a little up and down but the pet names and calling me babe had returned full force.
She was still semi sick the day of the breakup but an hour before had asked me to send her a picture, so I did and she said how handsome I was, that she loved my blue eyes, etc. Her communication had been very very poor and the overwhelming parts came from me asking her what had been going on but she would never tell me anything or what was going on. She admitted she needed to communicate better with me and knew I couldn't read her mind. I ended up hiring some new people at my job and one was a female, the fenale was very outgoing and could come off as flirtatious but I didn't think anything of it, I work salsa so that actually can be good for a business. My girlfriend ended up looking up her instagram and her immediate reaction was "yup I hate her" because she was attractive and had done some modeling. My girlfriend had her moments of jealousy throughout the relationship but for the most part was not a jealous person. However she got VERY jealous of this new girl and I could tell it was bothering her all the way up to the breakup although she played it off after the initial jealousy bout. She would ask if she was working with new, how it was going and be short and annoyed with replies. I'm a fairly attractive guy and I think she was feeling very vulnerable, maybe threatened at this time but I'm not sure and I assured her there was absolutely nothing to worry about
. There wasn't and she was the only thing I thought about
day and night.
We ended up getting in an arguement because of the miscommunication aspect. I got frustrated from everything that had been going on, the anxiety at the time and stress of the highs and lows and said something dumb along the lines of "I don't know how to make you happy lately, maybe I'm not good enough for you". That started everything and she said maybe we weren't compatible for each other anymore, that she's been very anxious non stop lately, and feeling guilty. She said she's ****** up and needs help, she started cutting herself again and can't escape it. She told me that she doesn't appreciate me for what I've been to her which is nothing but amazing and that I would think she was full of crap but I deserved better than her, because what I deserve is more than what she is capable of emotionally and Etc. "The right girl will appreciate all the amazing things you do, that girl obviously isn't me" She said she likes me so much and still does, to please not hate her because she cares about
me. But that I didn't realiZe how bad her mind was. She thinks that who I think she is isn't the "actual her". The entire time she was crying hysterically... I said are you sure this is what you want? She said "I don't know, I don't see how this can work. How can someone as messed up as me be with someone like you? How!?" That She thought I will look back one day and be thankful I'm not with her... I tried reassuring her that it was just a misunderstanding and that everything would be fine.
I didn't want to lose her, i didn't want our relationship to end and I didn't care how many "problems" she had because it did not matter to me, I was always there for her and I always would be. She seemed confused but ended up sticking to her guns. The last thing she said was "I will miss you so much and always think back fondly on our times I mean it, thank you for everything". I was devastated.. The next two nights I drank and cried myself to sleep... What did I do wrong? What was with all the ups and downs, highs and lows? I did research on bipolar II and see many similarities. How could she act as if I was her everything a month prior and things be so amazing and now I'm left out to dry alone, heart broken, confused. I feel like it was my fault
Somehow, I'm depressed, I have to take sleeping pills to go to bed at night. The thoughts are constantly there and I can't get her out of my head. She emailed me later that night saying "I just want to let you know I'm sorry. Again." And that was the last thing I heard from her. I tried emailing her to talk and no response. I text her a few days later saying "I miss you and hope you're doing well" no response again. I'm at a loss, I miss her so much and we haven't talked. She's keeping no contact and although im not perfect and mistakes were made like everyone makes i treated her so well. I did everything I could and I wanted to be there for her. I tried understanding her conditions or problems on my own because she wouldn't talk about
them. I cared that much and still do, I love her but I never told her because she doesn't believe in love and I was always afraid of scaring her away. My medication does help numb some of he pain and I can't help but wonder if her medication (which is higher dosed) does the same for her. As I've read SSRI'S can do.
I guess I can't understand why she's ignoring me, I have not smothered her with texts or emails other than those 2 tries. I have stayed away. Did she get scared of her feelings for me and run because she felt she was going to get hurt? Did she lose feelings for me? (She never hinted at it) does she miss me now? Regret letting me go? Will she ever contact me again? she promised me there was no one else and I do believe her. We had strong trust and it was a very big deal for her to learn to fully trust me as she doesn't trust many. The last thing I did was send her a blanket I bought her for Christmas, she said I could send it during the breakup and I can't return it now as I've had it for too long.. What do I do from here? Leave her be? Again sorry for the length and thanks in advance for any advice.
Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 11/26/2014 9:36:09 AM (GMT-7)