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Posted 2/1/2015 5:12 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

My husband is depressed and I'm really struggling.

I am being treated for depression myself and was really doing well. I was working with my doctor to go off my medication and everything. But 2014 has really thrown me for a loop and 2015 did not start well. We decided to hold off on any changes for my treatment until we get things sorted out for my husband.

He has been depressed (very clear to both of us but undiagnosed because he won't go to a doctor) for over a year, but it has gotten much worse since the fall of 2014.

Our finances are a mess because he isn't working and his investments are now costing us. He is very short with me and our son. He's hypercritical of me. He hasn't talked to either of his parents in months. He doesn't answer his phone. He is really secluding himself.

He won't tell anyone he is struggling and I don't want to break his confidence so I don't tell anyone about my struggles. I feel very alone.

I know that this is just the depression. It's not him. He's not lazy. He's not mean. He's not impatient. It's just the depression. It's just the depression. It's just the depression....

I don't know how to support him, keep my sanity and hold our house and family together. It's just not working and I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I guess I'd like to hear how others have managed. Or how other people with depression have been supported for ideas about what else I can do to be supportive. Or maybe just a smiley face and someone to say it's all going to be okay.
Posted 2/1/2015 8:57 AM (GMT 0)
welcome to the forum lizas. it's hard. but he has to want to help himself. you can't do it. you need to keep on top of your health. will he go to the doc with you? can someone he knows close to him have a chat with him? without effective communication, and he in denial and causing much distress is not fair on you and the family. you need a break from this otherwise you are going to crash. maybe you can give him some phamplets on depression, and research if there are any mens groups. sadly a lot of men feel ashamed and weak, i am a man but seeking help is strength. have a chat with your local mental health services, not just for him but for support for you and your family. others will come on. it is slow on the week ends. healing thoughts i send.
Posted 2/1/2015 12:30 PM (GMT 0)
It is just the depression talking and causing him to act the way he is. You are right about that. But that is also hard to cope with. And it isn't your responsibility to fix everything, though I know you are going to try to do it the best way you know how. Just allow yourself some down time.

You can't force him to seek help, but you can try to talk him into it. I hope he does for your sake. The isolating is normal for a depressed person, though I know it doesn't make it any easier for you. Keep working on yourself with your doctor and therapist. That is the best that you can do...

You may have to explain some things to your son (depending on his age) so he doesn't take things personally. It is hard for kids with depressed parents. Especially if it is untreated.

Maybe get some self help books on depression for your husband. And for you. Coping skills for you probably... Come here for support.

We have a resource thread at the top of the page that might help you, so do check it out. There might be something there that you find helpful...

I hope that things get better. There are no magic answers when you have somebody in denial. I am just hoping that he can see what he is doing to the family. Take care of you and your son. Things will fall into place... Keep trying, keep having faith...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/1/2015 6:08 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for your responses. I really appreciate it.

I have reached out to our local mental health line to find out what supports are available. I'm going to see if I can get into one of the peer support groups. I think that having some people to talk to will be really helpful.

I love my husband and want him to be happy. I know he can get back to the happy, productive man he usually is. I just need to be patient and ready to support him when he's ready.

Thank you again for writing back. The loneliness has been really hard for me.
Posted 2/1/2015 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Liza,

You have received very good suggestions.

I would like to add, that if he becomes a 'danger' to himself or others you can have him committed to a crisis center with the help of the police and the crisis center would place him in a physc unit at a local hospital. He would then get the help he needs.

danger would include, if he stops eating, excessive drinking, illeagal drugs. If he refuses to leave the bedroom for extended period of time.

I hope this helps
Trina
Posted 2/1/2015 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Trina. At this point he is safe but I've been watching him carefully and have had pretty frank discussions with him about that. I'm confident that he is currently safe. Thank you so much.
Posted 2/1/2015 7:37 PM (GMT 0)
Liza, I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Fortunately, my husband is not depressed. Our family would probably fall apart if he was - although, TBH, I am really the glue, and the primary caregiver for our three kids.

First of all, for your son, if he's over the age of 7-8, I'd talk frankly with him about it. Let him know how much his dad loves him, but there's something going on in his brain that won't allow him to show it for now. And give your son extra love and kisses from you.

I really think it might be good for you to take a break from trying to rescue him, and focus on yourself and your son. I think for a lot of us, we had to hit rock bottom before we sought help.

There is an amazing book called Darkness Visible, by William Styron, that is the most accurate and honest depiction of depression I've ever come across. Perhaps, if he'd read it, he'd recognize something of himself in there and be motivated to seek help. It's worth a shot.

I wish you the best and I hope you'll come back here often.
Posted 2/1/2015 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Liza's,

There are many docs that you can see to help you thru this. A good counselor can help you sort this out. You need to let him go . He cannot get thru this unless he lets go of the guilt, denial, etc.

Local groups & support and meds will change everything for you. Many counselors thru the county city will charge you for counseling on a sliding scale. Ask UR doc for a referral.

It's very stressful to be stuck in what u describe. Take control of your life get the help you need. You can't change him but you can change yourself.

Hope this helps I truly understand what UR going thru. Move on for your own wellbeing.

((( hugs )))
Posted 2/4/2015 5:03 AM (GMT 0)
I don't even know where to start with an update. I feel like things have taken a turn for the worse. I don't think any of my recent support has really helped so I feel like I need to back off. I can live with him, love him and let him know I'm here for him, but not much other than that. I'm afraid for our relationship now. I had felt confident that once he was feeling better, things would fall back into place. I knew things wouldn't be the same exactly, but I thought we'd be okay. But with the way he seems to be almost turning against me, I'm worried he will leave. I think I will just back off the "support" I've been trying to give him and let him take care of himself the best he can. I don't exactly know how to take care of me during that, though. I need a certain amount of financial stability and calm in the home. I don't know how to not take things personally and just take care of myself AND still love him and care for him. I feel like I need a wall up to take care of myself, but I also need to stay soft to still love him.
Posted 2/4/2015 6:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi lizas,

Sometimes under some circumstances love is not enough.

There is a feeling in UR post that u feel stuck. Realistically there is not a wall to separate u visibly. Yet in many cases the wall is emotional.

I can really understand what UR going thru. Time can sometimes help give a different out look. UR so in the thick of it it's difficult to separate what u could do. Sometimes it helps to step out emotionally from the situation as u suggest. As much support and care u give,it sounds like you are doing all the work . He has to do his work to get better.

As my mother used to tell me. Step out of the picture turn the binoculars backwards and push the picture farther away from you . Step out of the picture u see things differently & do what best for you .

It takes time to break habits, slowly u will learn to feel the difference & more confident that his depression is his not yours it belong to him entirely. And when he wants help to ask and u will be there for him only if he starts to make progress and take charge of his own depression.

I'm sorry that u have to go thru this u sound like u have done what u can. It sounds like u have been there for him and trying to help . Many people who are depressed are thinking and talking in their heads . Depression can take over his thoughts and words. Meds help balance the hormones in the brain for there are many meds to help him thru this and therefore not take such a toll on you and he family.I hope all UR efforts are not for nothing that soon some day soon things will start to turn around.

(((Hugs))))
Chotti
Posted 2/4/2015 7:10 AM (GMT 0)
is currently on anti-depressants?
Posted 2/4/2015 11:08 AM (GMT 0)
Keep us posted on how things are going. Take it one day at a time... That is the best that you can do. Take care of you too at this time...

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Lymedisease1 and Chotti too...
Posted 2/4/2015 11:58 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lizas! It's tough to help someone with depression when you are also suffering the same. Your husband must help himself if he wants to recover. You don't have to bear everything as one of you must stay sane in order to resolve the financial issues you are facing right now.

If he refuse to get treatment and does not want to get support from other people then let him be. Focus on other things which you think you can make progress, and one of these is taking care of yourself.

Be strong and pray always. All these shall pass according to God's plan.
Posted 2/4/2015 12:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MeltU,

Welcome to the depression forum...

Hugs, Karen.,...
Posted 2/6/2015 11:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lizas (and everybody on the forum)

I am sorry to hear about your husband, as I too have a very very similar situation to you. My husband started changing about 18 months ago I knew something wasn't right (I was 5 months pregnant at the time with our first baby).

He has a very stressful job and still goes to work but I feel like he puts everything he has into work. I have had no love from him and neither has our baby. I feel like he is a lodger in our home as he does not care for our baby or me, and I do all the housework, finances, sorting everything out, visiting people and generally the whole upkeep of our life, and I also work 3 days a work.

It is very hard supporting someone who doesn't give anything back to you. I also believe that if he was slightly affectionate or we had a relationship and he could honestly say he loved us then I could be more patient with this horrible illness. But as the depression is so awe consuming I don't think he realises or cares what its doing to us because hes so wrapped up in himself. I have days where I can switch off to him going off and sitting by himself or watching football instead of spending time with his daughter, but sometimes I just want to scream at him and tell him to snap out of it.

I have had really bad social anxiety over 10 years, went to CBT and felt fantastic about myself and the way my life is, the only thing that's missing is my husband back.

Before the depression he was very caring, considerate, looked after me so well, did anything for me, but since we had the baby I feel like a single parent looking after 2 children! I can feel myself slipping into a depression myself as I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel - as my husband is so reluctant to talk about anything, he is just plodding on with life and its so painful to see.

I think the stigma for mental illness for men is huge and that is the reason they let it go on so long - whereas women like to talk about their problems to friends, men just keep it to themselves.

I don't really have any really good advice I just want to you know your not alone in this and if you need to chat I am here.

x
Posted 2/6/2015 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
KNO205,

Welcome to the forum. Do give hubby the benefit of a doubt. Could he be tired? Depression makes us feel exhausted a lot of the time. I wonder if he is exhausted mentally and that is why all he does is work and come home. Maybe he isn't satisfied with his job... Just brainstorming. Not sticking up for him. But I feel you would want to consider every aspect.

Welcome to the forum. Congratulations on the baby. I sure do hope that things work out for you and for LIZAS... At least you know you aren't alone. We can all pretty much sympathize with what you are going through.

I hope this finds you having a good day. Keep posting and know we care. Do take care of you. Take some time for self nurturing...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/6/2015 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
Stress can increase the cortisol level in the body, left unchecked it can wreak havoc on the body, including causing depression and irritability. If he doesn't want to seek mental health help, at least get him to his regular doctor for a physical that includes checking cortisol levels.
Posted 2/6/2015 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
You are getting a wealth of advise here. Let me be clinical for a moment. 15 years back my husband ( has anxiety ) was laid off from his job. It was hard on us but our saving grace was a wonderful primary care doc. He would sit and share data with us and how men process things a lot different than women. He broke it down like this but the number 1 factor for a man to spiral into a tail spin is the loss of his spouse ( there is point for you , your in the fight with him) the second thing is surprising 2 is the loss of a job and 3 is the loss of a child. Of course we are all different but when this study was all said and done these were the numbers. He even told us this story about another doctor he knew who got laid off also ( first I didn't even consider this could happen to a doctor) this poor man didn't tell his wife and got dressed everyday and went and sat in his car for months he did this until of course the credit cards start to be declined and his wife finally noticed something was wrong ( must be nice :-/)but to make the story short. To loose a job for a man this is almost like death. And men have an internal mechanism that says .. Be a man . Which we all KNOW is wrong but they will try to just deal with it on their own and this as we women know just won't work. But like I said before points for you being proactive for him. Your there and deep down he knows it but something in the way men are put together sometimes stops them from taking about their feelings. Hence the snapping sentences. Even I am do guilty of that. Sometimes I just have a bad day and my children and husband say something and I get really sarcastic. But we have been together and through so much ( just like you said it's not him it's the depression ) we can say to each other ok what's really going on. I hope all the best for you. I know you feel like your swimming in circles and just treading water. But we are here for you. Just try if you can to get him to go to therapy. Here's what I did so many years ago. " please honey come with me to my appointment. It will help me. " it was sneaky but the end justified the means.
Although you have to take care of you also. Your going to be wiped out yourself then you can't help him At all .

Post Edited (Pain$herlock) : 2/6/2015 2:03:51 PM (GMT-7)

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