Angry, Depressed, Feeling like I will never be myself again

Hey everyone.
New to the depression forums. I generally lurk over at Anxiety, but right now depression seems to be the worst.
Long story short, I was working with a really bad therapist for about a year, and since breaking it off with her a couple of months ago, I've gotten worse than when I originally went in. Before going to therapy, I was a pretty well-adjusted, happy, optimistic person. Right now I feel like I am going crazy. I have not been able to eat or sleep for weeks/months now. I wake up in the middle of the night with major panic attacks, drenched in sweat and feeling terror. I can't stop thinking about her and the crap she put in my head/the damage she's done. I don't feel like myself anymore. It's weird but, I almost feel like I've become her and I am struggling with not knowing who I am anymore. I can't bring myself to look in the mirror much anymore because I don't recognize myself.

I've also started having "weird" thoughts, where I go about my day drawing associations to why I do what I do ("I do things this way because my mom/brother/someone in my life did it this way and this isn't me"), or attaching a scientific reason to things - My feelings aren't feelings anymore, but instead are just "serotonin" "dopamine" "endorphins", etc. This was brought on by our last session together, where she pushed medication for the last time on me stating she felt I had a chemical imbalance and that it was probable that my mom had one too (despite that she's never even met my mom). Now I just feel like I can't feel anything anymore with that sense of human spirit/aliveness. It's just all meaningless right now. I feel like my only option to get better is to take the medication she's been pushing all along, but if I do that then I will just hate everything even more.

I guess I'm just not sure what to do right now. I feel like I am going crazy and I will never get back my spirit or sense of self. Maybe it's just something that needs more time? I don't know. :\

Wow! So sorry to hear you had a tough time with that therapist. I had one accuse me of inappropriate touching! I complained to my former therapist and my psychiatrist. They both said they had been becoming aware of her issues (she was 'new') and would be addressing it. That being said, we all have been 'programmed' by so many sources. Family first of course, then playmates and school, television, books etc. Someone once said to me "We are the sum total of our experiences." That stuck in my brain. We are still being 'programmed'. We believe more of what we say to ourselves than what others say, so you may want to start positive affirmations said outloud. Can't look in the mirror, ok, do you believe you have nice hands? nice legs? etc. You can start there. With all my scars, I hated my hands. So, I started going and getting manicures. Pretty nail polish. Anything to help me see my hands differently. Try a new hairstyle or color or both! Get a pretty pair of earrings. Give yourself a good reason to want to look in the mirror! Keep sharing, we'll keep listening.

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with the therapy. It should never have gone in a bad direction. Sometimes you have to "shop around" to find a good fit for you.
Please don't be to disturbed about your thoughts right now.
They are your depression and anxiety talking, not you.
When we go through these bouts, we tend to turn inwards and analyze every thought and every feeling and attach importance to them.
The more importance we attach, the more sticky they become.
Understand that it's perfectly fi e to have thought because that is all they are, just thoughts and nothing more.
You are still 100% yourself, you're just going g through a difficult time.
If you don't want to be on medication, then that is your decision. Dont let anyone decide that for you. You have every right to decide how you wish to receive treatment.
I can say that I have been in your place, and anyone who has suffered from depression can most likely relate in that they thought they would never be the same. You absolutely will!!
Nothing in life is impermanent. This will eventually pass, but having some coping tools and people to lean on, will go a long way in your recovery.
Many amazing people here that are more than willing to lend an ear and be there for you!
Be well, Lisa