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Facing a huge life decision so many mixed emotions

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Posted 6/19/2015 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
So I missed my period this month and didn't think too much of it because since I've been on meds it has been a little irregular. I bought a home pregnancy testing kit and it came up positive. In a frenzy, I called planned parenthood and scheduled an abortion. I may have to reschedule, I don't know if I can go through with it. I would rather have the procedure with a doctor I trust. I have also scheduled an ultrasound with my local gyno and I am so anxious to see exactly how far along I am.

I had a feeling that I was pregnant even before I found out. I had a sense of calmness and wellbeing that is hard to explain, maybe it's hormones and chemicals causing it but I love the baby even though I am having so many doubts. I do have a history of depression but I feel so excited yet devastated and calm and peaceful despite the circumstances. But I have not been able to trust my emotions for years. How can I trust myself to be a good mother?

When I told my fiancé the news, he was very supportive and said he would be here for me no matter what I choose to do. I am 27 and my fiance is 32 but we are not financially prepared to raise a child right now. I do have some savings and I hope my family would be supportive but I can't bring myself to tell anyone yet. My fiancé moved back to his home state for a good job that he told me he was sure he had. Now we are not living together and the company has not gotten back to him. I am in my last year of school and do not have a career in place, this coupled with him being unemployed at the moment is such bad timing. He does have a house so if needed we would have somewhere to live, but it is owned by the bank.

On top of this, I have a genetic bone condition that has a 50% chance of being passed on. I looked into it and genetic testing can be done as early as 8-10 weeks. It's not without risks, but would comfort me to know I have done what I can do to make this decision with a clearer conscience... If I end up terminating the pregnancy or not, I would have done my best to make sure I have given this tiny life a fair chance.. and I think my insurance covers genetic counseling.

I will see how things go with my ultrasound. I am considering all the options now; keeping the baby, adoption, and termination. Termination would break my heart unbelievably but if I know the baby has genetic issues it might make the decision easier.. maybe provide a sense of closure. If it is a perfectly healthy baby, I would be so happy. But so sad..

I don't know why I am getting so attached already. I never wanted to ever have an abortion. I feel I would be haunted by it even though it may be for the best. Or maybe not, who knows. I've got to talk to someone, it's so hard to deal with this alone even though I have my fiancé. We messed up and now we have to deal with the consequences. I may have ruined my life by making the wrong decision but I don't want to ruin another. I need a detached perspective and words of comfort and support right now..

Post Edited (Reysone) : 6/19/2015 1:11:36 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/19/2015 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hugs, sweetie. No one ever wants to make this decision. EVER. It's awful, no matter what. I am sorry you have to go through the decision-making process alone.

Did BF make any indication of his preference in terms of fatherhood? I would start with a discussion between both of you, a frank talk about what the two of you should do. I am sorry to say it, but he passed the buck. You might feel a lot better about the outcome if there are two people having one another's back, no matter what you both decide.

Don't get caught up in the 'story' of infants gurgling, and moms in rocking chairs, or guilt trailing you forever. Those are just emotional fantasies of the future. Look at the here and now, and the ramifications of a child. I guess what I am trying to say is that reality is far more important to assess than is imagination, and reality holds the kernel of your own answer.

Most women have been where you are. That is no help, but it is true.
Posted 6/19/2015 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
He said he is 100% behind what decision I make. He has always wanted children. I know it's not the right time but I am devastated. I may be idealizing the situation and denying reality. But I know myself and I can' live with this knowing how against abortion I am for MYSELF... I am not judging others who decide to go down that path. I am not in a stable enough mindset to deal with this alone. I know it is my responsibility, but he can't even be here for me when I need him the most. Financially he can't even afford a plane ticket, emotionally he is with me but I need his physical presence right now.

Post Edited (Reysone) : 6/19/2015 10:10:48 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/19/2015 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sweetie!

I'm sending you a (((((((hug)))))))).

I can't offer any advice but I will say for most people there is never a right time in life for big things to happen. For me, every time I thing the time is right, life throws something my way.

I'm confident you will make the right decision.

Please let us know how you are.

Sending love!
Posted 6/19/2015 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
BF, I understand you are trying to be supportive by saying you will support my decision, but I really need us to make a decision about my pregnancy together.
Posted 6/19/2015 5:09 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much. :) I needed to reach out to you guys... I am not ready to tell friends and family yet. I talked to fiancé on the phone before he went to go put more job applications in. It was not a full conversation but he assured me he is completely devoted to me no matter what happens and we will deal with this together every step of the way. My ultrasound is on Thursday, and I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday, I think talking to her will really help too.

Post Edited (Reysone) : 6/19/2015 11:18:09 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/19/2015 5:59 PM (GMT 0)
If the baby is healthy, could you go through with the pregnancy thinking that if you aren't prepared, maybe adoption would work? That way there would be no guilt. I know it is hard, but I too have faith you will make the right decisions. I am glad your boyfriend is there for you. Well, not physically but for support. I agree with Myself, make it his decision too.

Know we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/19/2015 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
I don't usually put myself out here like this but...here goes...

I found out I was pregnant on my 21st birthday. 2 days later, I had emergency abdominal surgery and the docs were sure I would miscarry. I didn't. My parents told me the decisions were mine and I had the support of my brother. I had an ultrasound to see how far along I was and if the pregnancy was still viable. I also met with my priest. He assured me that if I chose to carry to term and place the baby up for adoption, he would help as much as possible finding parents. I carried to term, delivered by c-section and have raised her to adulthood. I 'couldn't afford it' but it was all worth it!

When she was a little over one year old I was pregnant again. The doctors felt it was too soon after having had 2 abdominal surgeries, that it was too risky, and that I should think of the child I already had to raise. I chose to terminate that pregnancy.

I have also experienced miscarriage and another birth.

I totally understand the concern about a hereditary condition as my son has Thalycemia Minor as his father had. I have drilled it into his head that he must be VERY careful and when he does want a child he needs to get the blood tests done with the 'mother' as it would be fatal if she has it too and the baby develops Major.

I believe that the 'babies I never met' are with their Creator and one day, we shall meet. No judgement here, anytime you want to talk, I will listen.
Posted 6/20/2015 3:16 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for sharing your story Pitmom. I hope I can be as courageous as you.
Posted 6/20/2015 11:52 AM (GMT 0)
I agree that the two of you should make the decision. I'm glad he is supportive. I have a friend that was pushed into termination by the father. Like you she was definitely against it. She was miserable because she went against her beliefs. That was 8 years ago, and she still goes through. Pray about it and make sure whatever you decide you are not pushed.

On another note, being prepared for a new life. My son was given to me at 5 and 1/2weeks. I didn't have anything. A girl at work gave me a few things and I went to the thrift store. I found brand new things. Everything I needed. When I would talk to his birth mother about medicine when he was sick she said they don't come with a manual. He has saved my life. In my worst moment I knew that I had to stay here for him. Even right now, I want to check out but can't or won't for him.

Supporting you and praying that you have clarity.
Posted 6/21/2015 3:57 PM (GMT 0)
First things first...

Find out about the test results....

Talk to BF about facts, you moving there. Living together, marriage? just what is his "support plans"

There is NEVER a good time to have a unplanned baby, that is what makes them so extra special. What you are feeling are natural feelings of love for the life growing inside you. Call it instinct, spirit, etc... it is life.

If you meditate, please do and often. Try staying calm for the childs sake. Until you know what you will do.

Live is never easy, however it is blessed.

I had 2 miscarriages and I always feel I had 2 children, the terms were further along.

I wish you peace and comfort in your decision.
Trina
Posted 6/21/2015 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
I agree in that you should wait until you get the genetic testing back...My fears were that I would have a child with Cystic Fibrosis as that is in my family and both parents have to have the gene to give it to the child. But I had a daughter that was born with a heart condition and needed open heart surgery at just 10 days old, it was hard on us yes, but today she is 23 yrs old and has a mild heart condition and can have children of her own and is doing good...there are so many "what if's" out there, but also success...We had to do without a lot with our daughter but it's what you do and we had family help and she always had food and clothes...there are also places that can help and depending on your low income right now you might be able to get help from WIC (Womens, Infants and children).
But, go for the testing and then talk the results over with your BF and decide together...also keep us posted on the results, okay...
Posted 6/26/2015 1:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

Thanks for your thoughtful and compassionate comments. I just had my ultrasound yesterday and all we could see was a yolk sac. I am estimated to be 6 weeks along, but there was nothing, no fetal pole, so she scheduled me for a follow up ultrasound in a week. She also gave me prenatal vitamins and a referral to a genetic counselor. This whole thing has brought up conflicting emotions about my relationship with my fiancé. I am not sure I want to raise a child with him, but I definately don't want to be a single mother. I applaud anyone who has managed to do that, what strength and courage it must take. My mom was a single mother after a messy divorce and it was very hard on her.

I have gotten sick everyday, having to leave class two or three times each morning to throw up. I have exams to make up and no break.

While feeling hopeless, I told fiancé I was considering termination, and he agreed to be here for me which would mean I would have to buy him a plane ticket because he has no job and no other means of getting up here. Then when thinking about abortion, I started crying uncontrollably and hating myself so he suggested we follow through with this pregnancy and everything will turn out fine. I did not know I would feel this awful until it happened. I made such a gigantic mistake and now I keep thinking about suicide. Any problems I had with anxiety, mood swings, and depression are elevated x 1000 right now which is making it difficult for me to have any true clarity. I talked to my counselor, my psychiatrist, family helplines, clinic helplines, and even my brother because he saw how I kept running to the bathroom to throw up and figured it out when I declined a beer. Nothing has made this any easier. I have to make this decision myself.

I thought the ultrasound would make me feel better about keeping the pregnancy and the baby but since I saw nothing, I just keep crying and wanting this all to end. I feel so selfish and immature, being that fiancé is willing to do whatever it takes but I have this horrible feeling about committing to do this with him. I don't know how much longer I can keep this a secret, I am a complete and utter wreck both physically and emotionally and I know my mom is going to realize what's going on if she hasn't already.

If there truly is no baby yet, I have an urgent compulsion to terminate this pregnancy now before it continues to form, even if it means fiancé won't be here to support me. I don't know how I can continue my relationship with him if I go to the clinic, the pain would just be too great to bear and I'd be reminded of the baby I killed each time we were together, and I don't know how I can be okay with being physical with him again. Since psychological counselling hasn't worked so far, and I am in a darker place than I can handle, maybe it is the best thing not to bring a child into a miserable life and I can find peace with that, that I did what was best for both of us even though it is the worst thing I ever had to do.

I don't know why I can't get myself together and be strong. Try to make this work and see what happens. I am not even that young, yet I feel like a terrified child. This can't be normal feelings a woman goes through in pregnancy. Nor can this be good for the baby if it can feel all the stress I'm going through. The body and mind are supposed to adapt to protect the baby and ensure it's best chance at survival. I feel like a horrible person, no matter what options I think about.
Posted 6/26/2015 1:57 PM (GMT 0)
Babe. Make the choice that is best for you. If you aren't ready to raise a child, then that is a truth for you. Trusting to the deities to make sure that "everything works out okay" isn't useful.

I have never been in this position, so I do not know what I would do. What I do know is that choosing to not become a parent is a good choice. It doesn't mean you are bad, or weak. In fact, it is sometimes stronger to make this choice.

Feelings during pregnancy are akin to an hormonal whirlpool. So what you are feeling is normal. We all, even newly pregnant women, feel like fakes and weaklings.

But they aren't. And you are not.

BF is trying. He,too, is doing the best he can in this situation. This baby is NO commentary on your relationship, physical or otherwise. It happens to many couples every single day.

Virtual hugs.
Posted 6/26/2015 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
Know we are here for you and back any decision that you make. There are no rights or wrongs here. You just have to remember whatever you do, you needed to do it that way at that time. No looking back feeling guilty over choices we make.

Try not to beat yourself up. Maybe write down some pros and cons of the decision. Keep an open mind. You are going to be alright, and remember we are all here for you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/26/2015 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
Reysone, I got pregnant at 19 and I had an abortion. It’s something I live with daily and I can’t forget. I don’t think it’s something I will ever forget. I regret that decision, but I try to think that it was the best decision at that time. Abortion is not something I support, yet I had one done due to the circumstances at that time. I think that made a huge impact in my life negatively. It’s a choice I made and I have to live with it.

I think it is a blessing to have a baby. Sometimes people may not be prepared when it happens, but it may bring lots of joy and happiness to their life.

It is indeed a huge decision that you have to make. I’m glad your bf is supportive. It sounds like he’s willing and ready to accept responsibility. Continue talking to him and let him help you make the decision.

No matter what decision you make, things will be okay. We are her for you. Thinking of you...

UA
Posted 6/27/2015 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
one step at a time. try to let your bf be there as comfort to you. many healing thoughts.
Posted 6/27/2015 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
When I was 25 I became pregnant. My boyfriend and I decided we weren't ready and I had an abortion. I became pregnant again at 28 when we were engaged. We decided on another abortion. we waited 8 years to have a baby. When I got pregnant we had genetic testing and I found out we were both carriers of Tay Zach disease. After the amnio we learned everything was fine.
I always think that if I didn't have the abortions I might have a a child that would have died by age five. My son is now 23
Posted 6/30/2015 1:57 PM (GMT 0)
Reysone, I hope the past few days have been gentle to you. It is a tough decision. See what the next ultrasound shows. Carrying to term does not necessarily mean becoming a single parent or raising a child with a man you are not sure of. Placing the child for adoption is another option. Whether that would be a closed adoption or open adoption is another choice.

Even with my decision being prompted by medical concerns and already having one child to raise, I still woke up crying afterward. I still had to deal with the sudden hormonal changes afterward. It is not an easy decision, beforehand, nor is it easy to handle afterward.

Have a little faith in yourself. If you decide not to be a parent right now, that's ok. If you decide to help an infertile couple, that's ok. If you decide you'd like to be a mom, that's ok. There is no 'wrong' answer.
Whatever you decide, anytime you need to 'talk', I'm around. Check my profile.
Posted 7/3/2015 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
It really is a harder decision than I ever anticipated. I had an appointment at the clinic scheduled for tomorrow morning that I cancelled. I'm just not ready to let go yet.. this being my first pregnancy has me feeling this one is special. It might have been easier to just go in and out for the procedure if I hadn't seen it, but well... I had my second ultrasound today at 7 weeks after seeing nothing last week. All of a sudden, there it was, I saw the embryo with the little heartbeat flickering.

My psychiatrist is having me get off my meds. I am not coping well. It is still too early for genetic testing, something else I'm worried about in addition to a million other things. I need a little more time to process this.

I talked to my mom about it today and she assured me I have her full support and family support if I decide to keep the baby. And that it is ultimately up to me. I'm not considering adoption anymore. But she felt my pain with the possibility of terminating..

Fiance said he is looking diligently for employment. He is so far away all I can do is trust he is doing the best he can. I just finished my demanding science summer course, no extension needed, much to my surprise. It's exhausting, going to school and working as if everything is still normal. Yet plenty of pregnant women do it, while I'm barely managing.

Thanks everyone for your support and words of comfort. I'm in such a fragile place emotionally and physically so I will probably need to reach out again soon in the coming weeks. I'm going to try to enjoy these few glorious days of break before my next summer course and see if I can clear my head. Wishing you all a Happy 4th.
Posted 7/3/2015 2:37 PM (GMT 0)
You do have us, on here for support! We will try to do our best with help...So your not alone and it sounds like you have a very good BF as he is wanting to be with you. Make sure your taking vitamins, if not go to a store and pickup a good vitamin it should help and there might be something you can take for the morning sickness, ginger might help...
Many well wishes and do keep us posted, thinking about you...
Posted 7/7/2015 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Reysone.
I've had chronic health problems and depression all my life, and yet I became pregnant in late february of last year. We were both students at the time.
I was so angry at my boyfriend and scared and I immediately called planned parenthood to schedule an abortion. I'm very prochoice and yet I believe that abortion puts a weight on your soul.
I knew that I could not stay with a man, let alone love him, if I was willing to abort his baby. I had a 'last' conversation with him and he came prepared, said that he was willing to get a vasectomy, that he wanted me more than the possibility of a baby, and that he would be with me no matter what.
The anger fell away and I became so happy. I had to cancel my appointment. I had a super high risk pregnancy and csection, but our baby is fine.
That's not to say that everything was smooth sailing.
No matter how many times I went to the ob, ultrasound (and there were 4 of them), or perinatologist, I could not believe my pregnancy was real, not even when he started moving or when my belly got bigger. I kept thinking that this would be the test showing no heartbeat and the baby was dead.
I had a breakdown in my second trimester where I couldn't sleep and kept apologizing to the baby for being unworthy of motherhood.
During our first night home and he wouldn't sleep, I seriously thought about leaving my house in a blizzard and letting myself freeze to death outside.
As an ill person, I always felt comforted by the idea that I could kill myself if I ever got too sick.
But now that I have a baby, I don't have that right anymore. I have to live for him everyday and it's so hard. I've had to change my entire way of thinking from short term to long term and it's a struggle everyday, but he's so beautiful.
He's the best part of me.
I hope this helps you in some way and I'm sorry if it doesn't.
I just wanted to give you the perspective of someone who has just been there.
Posted 7/7/2015 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Reysone-

How are you doing? Just checking in.

((((((Hug)))))))
Posted 7/12/2015 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
Gypsy, it did comfort me to read what you wrote. I thought I was going completely crazy, but I was relieved to see I'm not the only one who's had these extreme feelings and thoughts about being pregnant.

Chele, thanks for checking in. I can't say much other than I am very depressed at this time.. no energy, no motivation, just want to sleep but I have constant vivid dreams which don't leave me feeling rested.

I'm 8 weeks along now. Going to call doctor on Monday about getting tests done. Have been talking to a counselor, it's not helping much. I need to figure out a plan.. also studying is like hitting my head against the wall. Really need to get past that too.
Posted 7/12/2015 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
Reysone, I hope you feel better soon. I know that this has not been easy for you. I hope you get good results with the tests.

Hang in there and keep posting. We are all here for you...

Hugs, Karen...
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