Does Fault Matter?

Hello,

I'm trying to learn about what happens to other people who have been chronically ill since childhood. It's different from chronic illness that starts in adult years. What I'm curious about is, I came across a webpage that gives advice on chronically ill children and it gives a commonly-seen advice for parents to try to reassure young children and ****s that their illness is not their fault.

My question is - does intellectually knowing that one's illness is not their fault really matter? I've been ill since birth, and, for me, it never did. I felt shame anyway, and that shame stacked year after year anyway, even long after I understood that my illness wasn't my doing. I felt weak for not being able to conquer it. Has this been others' experience as well? Does your fault vs. not your fault really change anything for you at all? How you feel?

Welcome to the forum.

I believe what you are really asking is how can I forgive myself?

Somewhere along the line, by action or word. A person made you feel quilty and that core thought of 'fault' was formed in your mind.

Self-compassion can help you understand and overcome this guilt and feeling.

Yes, it DOES matter. That feeling of 'it is all my fault', when it is not! can be overwhelming to our sense of worth as a person.

Myself, I have been working on Self Compassion for months. It takes practice, time, patience and diligence. It is however, worth the effort.

I wish you peace and comfort.
Trina

some conditions are not understood till much later. as i found out. especially with a genetic problem i face. you learn to cope better i guess, when you know more about it, etc. sounds weird to say, but if ya can name it, you can deal with it. just my thoughts.

I don't find the question to be useful, since it is so individual in answer. We all fall down, whether it be from illness or choices. Illnesses can be managed, or not. People can blame their environment, and do nothing. They can make choices to change, and get nowhere. People can blame their heredity, and do nothing, or something.

What you are talking about is choice of perception. What I would ask is-does your perception of 'fault' change the way you approach treatment?

No, it doesn't for me, largely because what I am and where I am right now is an accumulation of heredity and environment. I have made good choices and stunningly bad ones. I made the best I could out of heredity, which dealt me a blah hand. Regardless, I have issues to be managed medically and personally.

I kind of figure, it is what it is. I live with it.

People often feel better when they can put a name to things, but a label doesn't change the underlying thing itself. I suspect the relief is usually short-lived unless you can do something to ameliorate, or make better, whatever it is you suffer from.

All my diagnoses I got in adulthood. Depression was my earliest diagnosis, although I never received it officially: it just went into my medical records and has been floating around for the past 20 years. I never really saw depresssion as a physical illness, and nobody treated me like I had one, so I'm not sure that counts.

Other diagnoses include Crohn's disease, Autism Spectrum Disorder, thyroid disease, and various anxiety disorders (anxiety being shoved into the same bucket that depression was). None of them I blamed myself for, with the possible exception of Crohn's disease. I kinda don't want to get into the Crohn's story because it's long and I don't think particularly relevant. All I'll say is that while Crohn's disease has a genetic basis, something environmental has to trigger it. I have little idea what my environmental triggers were and there are some people who did all the 'right' things (ate healthily, exercised a lot, never smoked, etc.) and still came down with IBD. Still, I did sometimes wonder if I could have done anything to have not got Crohn's in the first place.

ASD is something that appears in early childhood. I had the signs of classic autism in early childhood, but it was the late 1970s, I was a girl, and my parents were possibly the least suitable people imaginable for dealing with psychological, mental, emotional or neurological issues. When I was in my teens my mum suspected I might have Asperger's, but for various reasons nothing came of it. Dropped it for 20 years. Picked it up again in 2013 and got diagnosed last year. I can tell you that ASD is something I know I definitely can't blame msyelf for; who can blame a 2-year-old kid? I can also tell you that it didn't make any difference to my acceptance; I was furious at having a disorder that turns you into a social imbecile. And yes, shame, lots of shame.

It might have made a difference if I'd been diagnosed in childhood and if I'd had an empathetic and sensitive family, instead of 3 utter ****s for older brothers, a wildly uptight and neurotic dad (who I probably got my ASD from) and a mother who was drunk half the time. Getting an ASD diagnosis explained some things about my life, but it couldn't even begin to remove the stigma from it. A stigma which I still feel and suppose always will: I don't know how not to.

Dunno if any of that helps or answers your question.

Assigning fault, at least for me, can be a critical deterrent in taking positive steps to negate or at least minimize the issue at hand. In dealing with depression I have found that the first step to combating the debilitating symptoms has been to allow myself to appreciate that blaming oneself is a dead end to achieving any type of progress. In short, you can't begin to move forward until you move past the self blame game.

Fault has a way of undermining our ability to focus on change, to take any type of affirmative action. Until you move past blaming yourself it becomes impossible to focus on change.

Your out look is interesting.

I don't see chronic illness as abuse, perhaps I did in the beginning, when I found out the nerve damage in my head, diagnosed in 2006 what from the head whacks!.

During the last for years of therapy, about 2 years in, I owned my illness and abuse and its effects. It is mine to heal, journey with and put to rest so I can peace. I did not cause it, however if I refuse to face it down, it will torture me forever.

I disclosed in in 7/2011 to my sister. At the time I only remembered, her my mother and my father abuseing me. My parents abused her to. She is 12 yrs older than me. Her response was silence towards me [til this day]. She called our town cryer of a brother [1 1/2 yrs older then me] and with in 2 weeks I lost all 14 blood relatives out of my life.

My brother claimed, even to my ear, refused to face me. I am a drug addict, insane, alcholic, attention seeker and so many other things that kept changing I cant remember.

Came out all 4 members abused me physically, emotionally, sexually and verbally.

Denial is the biggest this to exspect when disclosing. Rarely do offenders admit to abusing others. Discloser was done for my health not theirs. sometimes people don't disclose because it can be dangerous. All situations are different.

I only had on doc while in-patient not believe me. She said. "Well, I believe you believe it." I go up and walked away from her.

Don't let anyone take away your truth!

I started with the book Repressed Memories. Great book. I highly recommend it.

You may loose friends, but they are true to begin with. You will make tighter friends through support groups. Trust me, it took awhile it does happen. Healing is the most important focus. The abusers can not win.

I hope this helped you.
Peace
Trina