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Posted 8/29/2015 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
basically feel like a failure at life. I've ruined everything and I don't want to be me anymore. I'm totally incapable of overcoming my anxieties and feelings of total inadequacy. I messed up trying therapy a while back and no longer have a therapist. I'm on a waiting list to see the NHS mental health team but know this is likely to take months for anything to happen. Life just feels numb and I can't seem to fix it or get back to how things were before I opened up to someone in therapy...I wish I'd never tried to improve things as all I did was make it worse. I'm such a horrible person as I ruined the relationship with my therapist and now I'm totally alone. I have supportive parents and a brother I'm close to, but I don't want to burden them with this anymore. Everyone's better off without me. Anyone here experienced the feeling of it seeming as though you just don't have the capability to do the work needed to overcome anxiety....I'm on some medication and the doctor offered me valium to cope but I've been there/ done that and don't want to rely on that anymore. I've got some suggested reading based on CBT strategies but it feels like I just don't have the capacity to do it but that leaves me feeling hopeless. I revisited the doctor as I had suicidal thoughts developing far more frequently but now I regret going as I know it's inevitable I'll just fail at trying therapy anyway as I did it for 2 and half years and all it did was make things worse. I now believe I'm just a failure at life.

Sorry ..I know this is a very negative post and I'm just venting really. I suppose the problem is I'm not looking to fix things anymore...I just wish I could disappear and no longer be an annoyance to everyone.
Thanks for reading my depressive and pathetic ramblings. Any comments gratefully received. xx
Posted 8/29/2015 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
I answered in length on the anxiety board. We have all felt hopeless but that's part of our disease. Take care of yourself – you're worth it.
Posted 8/29/2015 9:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Brit teacher,

I'm currently going through what you're going through minus the medication. I've been having a lot more thoughts of not being here and I feel like a lot of negative things in the past are surfacing because of this depression. I haven't touched my xanax or valium because I don't want to become reliant on them but I'm hitting a dead end road right now. I really wish there was a cure all for this and that I could enjoy the life I once had. I don't have any advice but I can empathize with you and know where you're coming from. I hope that we can pull ourselves out and just hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be thinking of you and hope you have better days.

Aloha,

-AK
Posted 8/29/2015 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
www.teenhelp.com/teen-suicide/teen-suicide-help.htm
http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html



A lot of times we feel worse because we are kind of reliving the feelings of when things were bad. Often it takes the bad to appreciate the good. Or to be able to feel the good.

Keep working on the cbt. Coping skills and all that. Learn meditation and mindfulness. It gives you the control back.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/29/2015 10:09 PM (GMT 0)
I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time on and off and even took steps to plan to do it but in the just couldn't. I couldn't cause that hurt to the ones I love, but I just wish I could make all the thoughts and negative feelings go away. I wish I could disappear without leaving any after effects to that. Although I feel these feelings I'm not in danger as I realise I couldn't do it. I just wish I could switch off my brain and get on with things. I hold onto the hope that I can find some more help that I'm able to access better.
It's strange at the moment because it's like even when things go ok and I get through something I just can't seem to feel the good somehow. It's like even if things turned out better than I expected all I can do is get down on myself for expecting the bad and struggling to cope with everyday things when in the end they turn out ok. I just feel strange...like I'm stuck in negative mode and can't just enjoy anything.
Posted 8/29/2015 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
I would seriously consider an anti-depressant, BT. I would talk to your doctor about one that is good for treating social anxiety as well. If you're on an A/D already, I would ditch it and find a new one since it obviously isn't working for you. What do you think?

-Cat
Posted 8/29/2015 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
maybe you're right. When I first started taking what I'm on it did stop me bursting out crying for no apparent reason but by now I do wonder if it's really doing anything anymore as maybe I've just become to used to it. I've been on it for 10 years and slowly increased the dose to the maximum in the last 3 years as my mood and anxieties got worse.

I'll consider it if I find I get even worse over the next few days. The doctor mentioned adjusting meds but I'd already tried the alternative he suggested before and it made me so spaced out I couldn't stand up right. I had a really bad experience with that drug and so I'm reluctant to stray from a drug that at the moment doesn't have any really negative effects on me.

I apologise for seeming like I'm resistant to suggestions your making to help....I guess I'm not in a good state of mind at the moment to be able to make wise choices. Grateful for your input though. xx
Posted 8/29/2015 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
No offense taken.

I looked up A/D recommended specifically for social anxiety and the consensus seems to be Paxil and Zoloft. Sometimes starting an A/D can be harsh, but if you can get through the first two weeks of side effects, you should be good to go (if you decide to use medication, that is).

No rush, no pressure, just here to help.
Posted 8/29/2015 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Depression makes us negative. Know that there are many, many antidepressants right now. I would talk to the doc and see what they think. I hope you feel better soon Brit Teacher...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/30/2015 11:21 AM (GMT 0)
Brit,

First of all Life doesn't come with a handbook with ready suggestions how to deal with everything that is thrown at you. So don't knock yourself because you struggle. Some people just get a lot more on their plate than others. They get overwhelmed by what life throws at them. That doesn't make those people failures. It doesn't make them less worthy than others.
You don't feel you are worthy to even be on this planet, feel you not worthy to people close to you to bother them with your problems. But everyone is worthy of help, of a good life, of attention, of care, of love. There are no exceptions. You are no exception. You are worthy no matter what you might think or say.


You said you'd been in therapy for 2 and a half years, but that it made matters worse. Is it posible to enlarge on that on here or is that too private? I'm asking because there are many types of therapy available and sometimes it's just the wrong type for someone. It's not a one shoe fits all kind of thing. What works for one person doesn't always work for another. Cognitive therapy for instance would not work so well straight away for someone who is deeply depressed. It can be incorporated, but at a later time and/or in small doses first.

If you have to go on anti-depressants or change the ones you're on so be it if you can't handle things without.
When people have stress or are depressed their body needs really good nutrition. So have a look if it needs improvement in your case. A strong Vitamin B complex would be a good thing to add to your diet maybe (go to the health shop to find a good one, what's in the over the counter ones is not very strong most of the time and not much use). Vitamin B complex is called the anti stress vitamin. The body needs much more of it when we are under stress, and often we can't get that in of our daily food. You can't overdose on it as any surplus is peed out on a daily basis.
Mother nature has a lot to offer to help us mentally and physically and without the many side effects that chemical meds cause. Maybe worth looking into.
A holistic approach is often best. Our mind and body are closely connected.
Posted 8/30/2015 12:47 PM (GMT 0)
I personally think it is terrible for a therapist to have gotten rid of you. Why do you blame yourself? If you went into a grocery store and paid for a container of milk and the clerk threw the milk at you, would you blame yourself?

These therapists are supposed to be trained and are highly paid. Your therapist was obviously not "top of the line" and because of your depression you blame yourself.

Depression is anger turned inward. You are an important person and a teacher...somebody should be caring for you.

Most of the medicos here in the states think they are god's gifts to the world. I don't play their game and I hope you realize that it is not your fault if your therapy did not end well.

Make sure you rest and eat healthy and do some light exercise. When we are depressed sometimes we do not take good care of yourselves.

It is correct that there are many anti-depressants out there. I am allergic to drugs but I did find one that is good for me. I took something that made me so loopy (unable to think clearly) when I had the shingles and post shingles pain.

PLEASE don't despair and take yourself out to a nice restaurant and go to the movies or to a play and ENJOY yourself.

Post Edited (Joan M) : 8/30/2015 6:52:05 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/30/2015 1:44 PM (GMT 0)
Where did Brit say the therapist got rid of him/her. Was it mentioned somewhere else on an other thread?


Brit you mentioned that you messed up your therapy. That you feel you would fail therapy again. Why do you think it's your fault that you messed things up with your therapist?

Have you had other tests done like finding out if you could suffer from borderline or bi-polar? In those cases therapy will be more difficult for therapist and client. In those cases special medication is advisable to keep your balance.

Did your therapist not refer you to another? Sometimes they do when they see that you are not improving with what they've got to offer you. Not all therapist can handle complex cases. It depends very much on what kind of training they have received.
Posted 8/30/2015 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks all.

@Gr8. You're right... I don't think I did actually say he got rid of me (I'm a 31 year old female by the way just for you info!) To be fair he was the one who made the final break but only after I'd been saying for ages I couldn't do it. I told him loads of times I couldn't do therapy but kept going back on my word because whilst I felt I couldn't do it I couldn't face being without him either. I developed a strange feeling of dependency and need to have him there for me even though I couldn't do the things that are supposed to help myself. I wanted someone to fix me and he said that's the problem...therapy is about the therapist riding along with you to help you help yourself. I'd frequently messaged him to say I couldn't do it anymore but then he always said the door was left open and after a day or two I'd always go back but then the last time he held me to it and said he had family problems which meant he wasn't taking on new clients anymore and as I'd told him I wanted out I was classed as a new client when I got in touch again after a couple of weeks. I guess when I said I wanted out I didn't really want out I just didn't want to be me anymore so I wanted out of everything. So then when I tried to get back in touch with him it came to an end because he couldn't see me anymore. He saw me one last time to try and help me move on to another therapist that he suggested but I was so upset by how I felt at the time and wasn't coping well with feeling he wasn't there for me anymore I walked out. I couldn't face having to open up to a new person and he kept saying that I didn't give things time to work or see things through. After talking to him I just felt it was inevitable that if that's the case I'll never be capable of fixing myself. I guess he was making the decision for me...that it was time to stop... that I was pushing on with seeing him even though I was getting nowhere.

I'm such a negative and useless person I feel everyone must be so fed up of me. Most people don't really want to engage with me I think because I'm so negative and feel so low and stressed out. I'm not a nice person and the way I messed up with my therapist just confirms that.

I've really been putting energy into going to fitness classes as that's one thing I'm used to doing but I'm hit and miss with that too. I know I have an unhealthy lifestyle because I feel so low I can't be bothered to make food for myself or get out to exercise (partly due to a specific phobia that means I can't walk places so I drive everywhere) I went away for a week last week and being away was good...an escape from everything but now I'm back everything's even worse.

I'm back to work this Tuesday which I'm sort of dreading but know once I'm back and in the routine it'll do me good really as at least i'll be busy and have something to focus on. (BTW I'm no longer a teacher as I had to give it up...just don't know how to change my name on here lol!) I'm a teaching assistant now and I love the kids so being back with them will make me happy in some ways. At least that's less stressful too...all I want to do is be helpful to the teacher and use my teaching skills to help children.

I fear i'll fail at therapy if I try again because every time I read up on strategies I just don't feel like I can do them. I'm a horrible person who's just incapable. I know there's loads I should be doing but I just can't be bothered...I don't want to be me anymore. How can anyone help me whilst I feel like that. I've tried getting out to the cinema, go bowling, walk with a friend and go to fitness classes but when there I feel like why would anyone like me as I'm useless, boring, negative and horrible. I just can't seem to get out of that mental rut to feel happy again. I feel kind of numb.
Posted 8/30/2015 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
Brit.,


First, you are not a useless, horrible etc... person. This is your past talking. Negative thought loops are very common in the depression and anxiety you seem to have.

I myself can relate to the feeling you had to therapy.

However, for some reason, perhaps it was my faith, strange as it may seem. Long history of 15 yrs of abuse and my mother poisoning me against God. Whatever.

Anyway, about the 3rd inpatient stay I had my therapist called me to let me know I could still see him when I was released, constant fear of mine. While I was journaling I realized I needed to 'own' my emotions. Own my past, my depression. Even though it was NOT my fault, I had to fix it. I was the only one who could. NO one else was going to be able to do it for me. Scarey thought.

It is like road rash from a motor cycle accident. The doctors have to clean out the wound, cause more pain, to start the healing. It is a hard process, I will not lie.

Coping skills are so very important. My go to for suicidal feeling is holding ice in my hands until it hurts. This brings your emotions down to a level that you can control. I also throw ice on the patio, for anger/rage release. The shattering of the cubes is indescribable in releasing the emotions, you must try it.

One of the BEST books I have read that help me is THE WOUNDED HEART. by Allender

The next BEST book that I still use for reference almost every week is THE MINDFUL PATH TO SELF-COMPASSION by Germer, PhD

Keep posting here, you are not alone. I would also suggest finding a depression/anxiety support group. Even a bipolar group, they experience the same emotions as we do.

Peace and strength
Trina
Posted 8/30/2015 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
Brit,

I had already posted to you on the anxiety board, so have a look. We must have been posting at the same time, so some of my comments will not be relevant now.

Your therapist did the right thing to be honest. Maybe he waited a bit too long with making the decission that you needed to move on to a different therapist though. Then you might not have had the feeling that it was too difficult to go over your whole history again with someone else.

Going back to work could do you a world of good. Fingers crossed. My daughter went back to work 3 months ago after going through a very rough time after losing her baby daughter of 10 months old. The routine has done wonders for her as sitting at home just made matters worse. Having a goal, socialising with others and just not having the time to think of sad things can all help.

You feel you can't do the strategies maybe because they can be too overwhelming all at once.
When people are very depressed it's good to start very small with little routines again.
I know that normal behaviour like making food, showering, opening the curtains, doing the pots, going to the shop for a newspaper etc can all go out of the window. Even these simple things become daunting and pointless.
Making a small list of 5 things to do for that day is a starting point and most of the time doable for most.
When you have done them you give them a tick or cross. It shows an achievement, you feel that you have done something to get yourself going at least. Not writing them down or ticking them does not have the same effect strangely enough. You have to SEE that you have made progress.
When you do this for a while, say two weeks, make your list a bit longer by adding 2 things and again give it some time. Don't make your tasks too big otherwise you don't get them done and you will kick yourself again for it and feel a failure again.
People often do too much too soon and then they find they can't cope and are back to square one. So baby steps. To much speed will make you trip and fall.
Posted 8/30/2015 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
"Horrible" people do not work with children and want to help them. I hope you can stop seeing yourself as a 'horrible' person.

Being overwhelmed by life does not mean you are a failure. It means you are overwhelmed by life.

Perhaps just breaking your day down into smaller increments might help. Instead of thinking about a whole day, why not...this morning before work...this morning at work...lunch break...this afternoon at work...homeward bound...this evening...bedtime. Smaller segments of time are easier for me than trying to figure out a whole day! If I am too rigid in my 'plan' and something happens to throw it off, I go into a tailspin sometimes.

I also try to keep a regular bedtime. A relaxing cup of tea, reviewing my day, meditating on something pleasant and having a piece of dark chocolate (a mood elevator) each evening really helps me. I don't 'beat myself up' if something didn't work out well, I just tell myself it's good to see an area that needs attention and to have hope that I will do 'better/differently' the next time it comes up. I also try to recall something from the 'plus column' of my day. No matter how small. Sometimes it's what I didn't do! Ha ha!

Keep coming, keep sharing. This place is a big help to me and many others. Welcome!
Posted 9/1/2015 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Brit- my daughter is teaching abroad in the UK and is very depressed and feeling much like you are.
Do you think the education system there contributes?
Posted 9/1/2015 8:21 AM (GMT 0)
gr8 special medication? I do dbt. it is was devised by m. linehan many moons ago. not sure of the spelling. dbt was first devised and utilized by clincians for patients with borderline personality disorder, I live with this, and rapid cycling bi-polar disorder. dbt is know being used for other conditions. dialectical behaviour therapy is very common these days, used widely as well.

many healing thoughts to you brit. many of us have been there, and more. there is light, there is hope, your will is your strength. keep strong, we care about you.

ps. I first did dbt in a resi program for people with borderline personality disorder. this was 2004. a newer derivative is act. (acceptance and commitment therapy) just thought i'd let you know. there are therapists who specialize in dbt. best port of call is from your treating psychiatrist.
Posted 9/1/2015 11:17 AM (GMT 0)
Turtle,
I know not everyone uses medication in those cases and I really should have said "In those cases special medication might be advisable or needed to keep your balance". My bad, sorry.

I said it because my Niece, who has borderline, tried therapy and it wasn't working for her in the past, and she refused to go any longer. So she was given medication, which she wasn't taking very often either as it turned out. My sister found a whole load of unopened packs hidden in her cupboard. I'm no lover of meds myself, so I can't blame her for not wanting to take them really.

I also know about DBT and ACT. I'm always in favour for therapy first.
:-)
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