Facing a huge life decision so many mixed emotions

So I have been lurking over here for a few days, just thought I'd post an update to let everyone know I'm here and still alive (mostly)!

I ended up going to the abortion clinic when I was 12 weeks and leaving. I just didn't feel right going through with it. At 13 weeks, I had my first trimester scan which showed a healthy baby. Thinking back, that was one of the turning points for me. The chromosome tests all came back normal.

I am still waiting on the genetic tests for the bone condition. This is the most agonizing part, the waiting. I am already 17 weeks at this point, I keep having a bunch of mini breakdowns where I wake up in disbelief of everything that is going on. I don't know if I am being selfish by continuing this pregnancy not just due to the genetic thing but also my mental state. It's something that continues to haunt me. I am seeing counselors and looking for an OBGyn I feel comfortable with,

As for my living situation, I have pretty good family support and my fiancé is now living with me. He tries to support me by getting me food and doing chores or keeping me company even though his job takes up most of his time. Unfortunately there is a little feud going on between him and my older brother where my brother is taking out his resentment on my fiancé for not getting up here to be with me sooner. I've tried not to let the tension between them affect me so much, but I'm so sensitive to everything, I sometimes start crying for no reason.

I am back in school full-time for the fall semester and working part-time. I may drop a few credits because the pressure is building up and the stress is really getting to me. I'm still not on medication, though it would probably be a better idea than continuing to panic and wake up feeling like I am incapable of doing this. I really wish I could feel better and happy about this pregnancy, I mean like actually feel fully confident of my decision. I'm pretty much terrified of what my reaction will be if the tests are positive for the bone condition. I have not been able to bring myself to terminate, and I don't forsee myself doing so even knowing that information. There is a lot of variation involving the condition, some people are severely affected, others like myself not so much, but most people seem to be able to lead productive, fairly normal lives. My depression and anxiety has been more of a detriment in my life than any of the surgeries, physical pain, and discomfort. There are just so many unknowns.

Anyway, sorry for the book. I did find out my baby is a boy, and my fiancé and I are excited even though we are overwhelmed (me more so, he seems to be taking everything in stride.) I really do need to get my depression under control. I want to get the thought of abortion out of my head, but I can't seem to only because of the guilt I feel over possibly transmitting my condition. Never mind that we are not financially in the best situation, don't have our own house, I'm still in college, etc. but I feel like those things can be overcome and we have support. But waiting for the tests, it's killing me. And there is no way I can speed up the process. I have a fully formed healthy baby at this point - that I know of, and it would pain me so deeply to abort, even though he may not be perfect and this condition may make his life harder. There is a 50/50 chance he will have it. I feel that I've tried my best with the situation given and it is outside of my control now. How do I come to terms with this, at least in the meantime?

Post Edited (Reysone) : 9/14/2015 1:33:29 PM (GMT-6)

Keep trying to take things one day at a time. Try not to think about the negative on a day to day basis. I agree with Trina, it feels meant to be. And if it isn't, then things will change. Keep positive hon... Things are going to work out the way that they should. I am truly happy for you.

Hugs, Karen...

Thanks for the update. I hope you won't continue to let the "what if's" steal your joy. Every pregnant woman has fears. Just ask them, while you're sitting in the waiting room at the O.B. office. We've all felt the huge responsibility of growing another human being, worrying about what we eat and drink, what genetics might pass along, even down to personality traits! You sound pretty 'normal' to me in that respect.

I remember finding out that my husband (now ex) had passed Thalysemia Minor on to our son. It's a condition that causes his red blood cells to be, for lack of a better explanation, too big. While it's not such a problem for him, should he make a baby with a woman with the same condition, it would be fatal if the baby developed the "Major" form.

I practically beat it into his head that he must make sure the female he was with didn't have it! Whether he has followed my 'advice' remains to be seen!

I know better than to suggest you stop thinking these thoughts, but when they do come, try hard to counter them with "ok, but, what if things turn out to be wonderfully ok?" Then, you can follow that thought with all of the wonderful, dreamy thoughts you imaging other pregnant couples have and enjoy this time!

You're an amazing woman Reysone! Be gentle with your self. We never know what we can handle until we are faced with it. A little saying I like goes like this..."If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!"

Congratulations! This is all great news!

Even those of us that have gone through the experience can not sufficiently explain how life changed. You are more prepared than you realize. Let it all unfold.

Best wishes for your future!

Congrats, you will make a wonderful mother! You can do this and you will be able to graduate, look into on campus daycare facilties...go to your campus counselor or social services or the student union to find help, you might qualify for (WIC) Women's, Infants and Children services...look into this. also thrift store have good finds for baby clothes...try the local police department for a child infant seat for your car, as they might be able to get one for you...You can do this, we all have faith in you! You'll be a good Mom...