Feeling horrible about myself

I haven't been on here in a few weeks. I am feeling very depressed lately. I ended the relationship I was in because I couldn't take the anxiety and dread I felt abynore. It was short and only a month long but he is one of my friends and we have mutual friends as well. He was hurt and I just know I cant be in a relationship right now and need to work on myself. I feel terrible about hurting him and I truly care so much. We agreed to stay friends and that we care about each other. Problem is is that I have attachment issues and I am crying over the lost relationship and him. I have become obsessed with him and idealizing him. I did this before we started dating as well. I often develop a fantasy in my head early on and i often find myself not happy when im actually with the person. It is a pattern for me and has been done in many relationships. Everything just feels so distant now and I feel like I've lost him. I have a lot of trouble with breaking away especially if you've been talking everyday and also harder knowing were in the same group of friends. I have hardly wanted to do anything lately and have felt so upset with myself. I have regrets about not taking care of this issue in the past. I'm now in my 30s and I want to move forward and have a happy relationship that can lead to marriage and children eventually. I know I cant go backwards but I am so hard on myself and I know I have a lot of work to do. I am on meds and in therapy for years. I have bought books about attachment and self compassion and i am readinf them currently. Most of you probably won't understand... but if any of you have attachment issues hopefully you will understand the pain I am in. I know I need to be patient but I feel like nothing will ever change and now I feel like I lost friends in the process even though I did nothing purposely. Please if you have any experience with this, make me feel like I'm not alone and everything will be ok. I am really struggling.

Thanks Karen. I just want happiness that's all. And I know it starts with me before I'm able to be with someone else. Just feels like a long road ahead.

I don't know if you have been diagnosis with dissociative disorder or not. I am not talking about DID. Just Dissociative, I do the same thing you do. I call them fantasies, I have been married 25 years, I use them to fall asleep. Sometimes I use them to avoid Self harm.

I am using them less know that I have spoken about them in therapy. Last month. First time I ever claimed them out loud to anyone.

I use meditative prayer as a replacement. I have to mindfully do this. Telling myself, no fantasy, pray or go to your happy place. It is hard, I get it done most of the time.

There is no shame in what we do, it was a survival skill we developed early on in life, with out it, who what would have happened to us. But how adversion to it now, is a sign we are ready to let go of it, not needing it any longer.

Peace
Trina