Depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, and PTSD

I was taken off of Brintellix and put back on Zoloft the beginning of this year, Brintellix was an awful medication for me. When I went back on Zoloft I believe I had two reasonably good months that I can recall, but then I went through a downward spiral that I can't shake.

My Psychiatrist is perplexed with me because of my resistance and allergies to medications, but I did start Trauma Therapy, my first session was good, the second was awful not at first but once I got home, it was if I could barely function, I had to call my Insurance company and talk to a nurse that is how badly I was depressed, yes more than likely I should have probably been admitted, but with my terrible agoraphobia that is not an option for me, I don't think I could last 15 minutes. So I am very careful with what I say when I am reaching out for help, but know I am in a crisis.

My situation is so complex with the severe anxiety and agoraphobia that my Therapist can't even get into any traumatic events right now, she has to teach me coping skills before we can move on, I see her once a week and an hour doesn't even seem like it is enough.

I have lost interest in everything, I have no happiness whatsoever, I just go through the motions, I am like merely existing, I see the world around me and I don't feel apart of this world.

I cry constantly, my Son senses something is wrong and asks me if I was crying, I always blame it on my allergies or something else so he doesn't worry, he doesn't need that pressure on him.

I go through periods where I bargain with myself on why it would be better to not be here, but I really want to be here, but the pain is almost to hard for me to bare anymore.

I rarely can leave my house, I do go outside to smoke, but if anyone is out there I have to go out back, if anyone is outback I have to go in front, I never look at people, I hang my head the entire time.

My therapist says I have such low self-esteem and a feeling on no self worth, and she will work on this with me. I say to her I feel like I am crazy, she tries to convince me I am not crazy I have clinical depression and the other issues, that I am brilliant in fact and have this amazing personality that I can't see. I hear this and want to believe her, but it only lasts briefly.

I have friends that I've made on Facebook, and they like me a lot, but as soon as I start feeling like I am getting to close to them I build this wall, and pull away abruptly. My therapist believes this is a defense mechanism I have used for a long time to avoid getting hurt, but it ends up hurting me and others that truly care for me.

The Anxiety is off the charts, my Psychiatrist says he has never had a patient with anxiety as bad as mine, I will take a xanax before I see him and my blood pressure will still run like 155/99 and my pulse rate is like 109 so he knows I am still panicking. He put me on another blood pressure medicine being I was allergic to the other one, not sure that it has helped at all, but if it can keep my bp down then that is good. If I take my blood pressure at my Parents home where I feel safe it is always perfect.

Sorry this is so long. I feel a total mess, the only real words I can use is "I feel lost", I see the bottom and I am clinging by a thread to not reach it.

Thank you for listening.

Welcome back!

Baby steps are so hard to deal with at times. We want to be better right NOW! Our media culture has told us that all issues can be resolved in 22 minutes plus commercials. I am not saying that you believe this, but that health is over-simplified in our society.

It does sound (even if you don't feel it now) as if you are making small steps in the right direction. Remember-changes are always gradual and circular. You make progress a little in the right direction, and then fall back a little. The next movement forward is stronger, and you gain some confidence. Our management skills are truly based on this principle--learning confidence and new habits takes time to implement, and build upon one another to create a solid base.

When I am super-depressed and anxious, I always remind myself that this, too, shall pass, and that I will feel better soon. Trust this voice, and not the sad and mean devil on your left shoulder. He is a poopy-head.

Be well and Good Job of moving forward!

Brendaboo,

I am so proud of you!

I was where you are. It seems hopeless, however it is not. I will give you a list of my go to skills that go me through the first very rough stages of recovery. Take you PRN meds when you need them, don't be brave, you already are a warrior!

HOLD ICE in your hands until it hurts. This will bring down your emotions to a controllable level. You can distract yourself now from the self harm and SI urges. Phone call, walk, music, TV talk to neighbor.

THROW ICE CUBES on the cement/patio to process anger. The shattering of the cube does something inside you to release that rage. It feels amazing. Sometimes I went through a whole bucket. AND NOTHING TO CLEAN UP!

CLEAN THE FLOOR on your hands and knees, scrub out your anger and emotions, keep busy, get physically tired.

JOURNAL write down whatever is going on in your mind and or your body. Just write, you will get better at explaining later, point is to dump the emotions so your mind can organize your thoughts better.

SIT AND BE STILL close your eyes. breathe gently what do you feel in your body? recognize it, Fear? let it go by, breathe, Hurt? recognize it, let it go,,, continue until all you have left is your breath.

I know this is alot. It take practice Brendaboo, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Peace
Trina

I have just joined last month . so I am kinda new at this. But everything you said is me. I seem to be allergic to a ton of meds. I am on wellbutrin xl now for 14 yr's it is the only one that does not affect my allergies . Plus I am on lamotrigin sp ? trazadone. lamictal. and lorazapam. None of the help me. I have no success of antidepressant medications. the pshy said the same thing to me about not being able to figure out what I am actually doing. And every one of them tells me that they have never had any one have the problems I have. Every word you said is exactly what I would have said. Don't give up yet. I am where you are and im feeling the same feelings about life or should i say no life . I don't leave the house hardly ever. I know what it feels like to feel like there's no reason to keep going. But you have a son. Just remember he needs you and if something happened to you . He would suffer emotionally for the rest of his life.