HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Losing the Faith

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/14/2015 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
I am currently in this period of just being really lost, and doubting God's purpose. Five years ago, I tried to commit suicide (for the 10th time), and actually died. But I was revived and then on life support for 2 weeks. Then - I woke up.
I had no white light experience or anything. I first decided, God must really want me alive, and he must have a purpose. I became even more spiritual and had a pretty good relationship with God. ------ Now fast forward 5 years!

Nothing is better. I have no purpose. He should have just let me die! I can't stand myself or my life. I hate everything about it. Now it seems God has just left me. I feel I should of had some realization of the meaning of life in the last 5 years, not just more bad happenings. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being around feeling this way. I keep screaming, "I need an answer!" and I am getting nothing. HELP!
Posted 10/14/2015 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Misskb-
I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and hopeless. Please, please hang in there. You are a spiritual person, and many spiritual people go through what is called the "dark night of the soul". Sometimes that "night" can last along time.

But don't try to go through it alone. I don't know if you have a therapist, but if you don't, please find one now if you can. If you're not able to connect with your therapist, get a different one. Also, talk with your doctor. I don't know if you are taking any meds, but they can certainly help. They don't supply the meaning you seem to be seeking, but they can help us see the meaning in life that is already there.

And please, keep posting. There are a lot of very wise people here. I remembering reading someone's post here (my apologies- I don't remember who wrote this). They said, "the purpose of life is life".

Take good care -
Hope
Posted 10/14/2015 7:57 PM (GMT 0)
I just lost my great therapist! That is just another knock back I got. It just seems like one thing after another. Now I'm having to work full time and have terrible health coverage, so I can't have any therapy. At least I get to stay on my psych meds.

Thank you for your words.
Posted 10/14/2015 9:14 PM (GMT 0)
misskb, You've mentioned God and being spiritual so I feel it safe to ask...have you read the book of Job? My e mail address is available if you would like to correspond more about this.
Posted 10/14/2015 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
pitmom - I have read the book of Job. There has even been sometimes in my life that I have joked that my name is not Job. I don't feel I am as strong as Job.
Posted 10/14/2015 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
I would still see a therapist. It is worth the cost. Plus if you don't have good insurance, they have what is called a "sliding scale" which can help you get therapy sessions for as low as ten dollars.

Also there is something called "moodgym" that can help. Look in our "resource" thread. There are many things there that can help.


You have to have faith in yourself, call support people when things get bad, crisis lines and such. Just so you know you aren't alone. Be proactive with your mental health. Check with mental health facilities and ask about the sliding scale. A lot of people don't know about it.

Talk to your person of faith also. Your local church. Pastor or whatever. Let your insurance company know you need help. There might be some loopholes that you don't know about.

Coming here helps. A lot of us have been where you are now. Do you take any medications for depression? Can you talk to your doctor about this. If you are suicidal, you really need to talk to somebody professional to help you. Even a gp can help by prescribing medications.

Hang in there, keep posting. I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/14/2015 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not suicidal. I know that feeling, and I'm not there. Thanks for all your words and thoughts. I have had to switch all my psych meds because of my change in insurance. The new scripts are not agreeing with me.
Posted 10/15/2015 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
I'm glad to know that you are aware of what 'phase' you are in. I find my depression has it's 'cycle'. I haven't been making and keeping doctor appointments or getting my cholesterol medication. This is part of my 'cycle'. Even though I was experiencing severe physical pain yesterday, I 'made' myself get dressed, if only for an hour or two, because staying in my pajamas is another 'symptom'.

I've had weeks or months at a time where it seems that nothing goes my way, every day is another bloody battle, and going on seems utterly futile.

There is a method that I use...I set a kitchen timer for 15 minutes, lay on the couch and feel whatever comes along (sadness, despair, hopelessness, etc) but when the timer goes off, I get up and do something constructive (wash the dishes, sweep the floor, dust off a shelf, etc). If I still feel like crap, I reset the timer and lay back down on the couch. I will repeat this as much as I need to, sometimes an entire day! I make sure I drink water, make sure I eat (soup usually), make sure I get outside for at least a few minutes and/or take a walk, make sure I call at least one person and ask about their day, without talking about mine! This method has helped me through many of these dark times. Perhaps it will for you as well.
Posted 10/15/2015 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Misskb,

Things seem so bad right now and in the moment they are. I am in one of those places right now as well. I agree with what Pitmom has said though, it's okay to feel your feelings, it is not the best idea to let them stop you from living. Being outside just sitting is good for you and taking a walk is even better. If you need to cry, do it. You are not weak because you cry. Feeling helpless is a normal depression "mode" but do all you can do to fight the urge to give up is the best way to get past it. I hope I have helped. It always gets better I can promise you that much.
Posted 10/15/2015 5:59 PM (GMT 0)
I lost the faith years ago. Never could understand how any god could allow people to suffer.
Posted 10/15/2015 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi misskb

Many county and cities have low cost/no cost mental health facilities. A Psychiatrist that I liked a lot closed her private practice and went to work for a county mental health.

It wasn't your time to die, Misskb, there is more in this life for you to do, to experience, to learn. Fight for yourself, your happiness and peace within.
Posted 10/15/2015 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
I understand how you are feeling. There are times that we find ourselves so down that we blame or doubt God. This is inevitable no matter how strong one's faith is. What we do after we doubt is the essential step in our becoming. I understand that you've committed suicide before. Do you know the saying "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"? Now think about that for one second. You are stronger than you think you are you just don't realize it yet. Your 5 years of living was not put to waste because they are actually a lot of people who were happy that you survived. You also said that you have no purpose? then that's your purpose, find it. You have your answer already and it's you. Nothing will happen if we just sit around and wait for a miracle. You should be the miracle. Just look at this thread and see how many people actually respond to your message. You can have the help you need but first you should help yourself. The great thing is no matter how sad or hopeless your message was you never actually doubt God's existence. You still believe in God, but saying is never going to be enough. You should also act on it. I don't know what actual experiences you're having to make you feel like that but there are many people who are willing to help. Just stay there and keep fighting.
Posted 10/16/2015 11:53 AM (GMT 0)
I too know how you feel, in fact anyone that has dealt with a long term illness has been through the same. Even this morning my pain got too much for me and I cried out to God to help me. It feels like we are abandoned to suffer alone.

I don't have a great answer for you, but I will say that in the past when I have been feeling well and better, I have always looked back at times of great suffering and realised what a better person they have made me. I don't think anyone gets to live a life without suffering, some get more than their fair share that's for sure.

I'm sure God has a purpose for you, but it doesnt have to be a grand thing, it can be the simple things, to live a life of love, helping those in need, sharing your love and life with others. You may not feel like a lot has changed in 5 years but the real joys are found in the little things, not always a grand event in ones life. If you hate your life then I hope you can find small things that you can change for the better. When my life seems to be screwed I try to focus just on the tiny moments of joy. Maybe I went to a bible study and felt fulfilled after it, or watched a great film that engrossed me and took my mind off my problems. I savour these little moments and realise that life is about these little things, not accomplishing some great feat like climbing everest. The happiest people i know are not rich or high achievers, they are simply people that seem to enjoy the little things and are satisfied by them.

I truly hope and pray that you find an end to your suffering. Just remember you are not alone, many many Christian have suffered terribly, St Paul was beaten and whipped almost to death numerous times. God did not deliver him from it. God himself endured terrible suffering on the cross, he knows what you're going through. This life is just a tiny spec in the grand scheme of your eternal life.

The important thing to remember is that you have an illness, you think your life is not worth living but this is the illness talking. People should be able to live and enjoy themselves but for those of us with depression we are just not getting that enjoyment or motivation. Our lives are a struggle but many people can and do get better from it. I hope you will one day find a treatment to make it all better and let you feel the enjoyment from life that you should be feeling.
Posted 10/16/2015 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
misskb and other new members welcome!

I get the lack of faith feeling. I myself go on a rollercoast with God. I have a history of 15 years of child abuse.

I am not sure about the light thing, I have always wondered if it was the light the doc or nurse was shining in the persons eyes to check the pupils!

Misskb, the one thing you did not mention was coping skills. So I don't know what you use if any. I will list what I use suggesting you try them if you don't already. Meds do not work 100% we have to learn to like ourselves before anything else can change, I am in the middle of doing this!

Journaling [ art and writing ]

Controlled breathing

meditation [ guided and not ]

mindfulness [www.mindful.org]

CBT skils [positive thoughts challenging negative thought loops]

Walking; art; music; teaching myself to play piano

My dogs; reading

book: The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

I hope something here helps you.

Peace
Trina
Posted 10/16/2015 4:04 PM (GMT 0)
I was raised in a family that was in the front row of the church anytime the doors were opened. AS I got older I began to have questions about religion. I was told not to question religion. That was very hard for me to accept something I couldn't understand and was told not to question.
It is very hard for me to believe in anyone that is supposed to be all powerful but at the same time will allow a small innocent child to be hurt or die.
I do wish I had someone to blame for all of the bad things that happens in my life and someone to praise for all of the good things. Now I find life is much more simple to put the blame for bad things where it belongs and thank those who do their best to help.
Posted 10/16/2015 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
There is a song by Casting Crowns called "Caught in the middle". It has not failed to help me.

I have no faith in religion. It is simply a set of rules made by someone else. The bible says that true religion is helping widows and orphans in their need. Widows and orphans are those who have no protector, no provider. That, I think is the best definition and what we should follow. Helping each other.

I tried for years to have faith in the trinity of Me, Myself and I. It didn't work out so well. These days, I find myself reaching out for others. Either to lean on them or let them lean on me for a while. It works so much better!
Posted 10/16/2015 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
Everyone, Christians and non-Christians a like experience storms in their life. Depending on the storm we can be brought to our knees, not necessarily in prayer, but by the shear magnitude of the storm. When brought down by the storm it is easy to question your belief and faith.

The storm, at some point, will lessen. Once that happens what have you learned?

Even if you prefer to not get involved in organized religion there is the spiritual aspect of life. For myself, I understand there is more at work in my life than just my own strength. I don't claim to understand how I have survived what I have experienced in life, but I do know I was being watched over and I am very thankful.

Sometimes it can be helpful to look around and see the beauty that surrounds you; sunshine, children, flowers, mountains, lakes, the ocean, animals, your loved ones.
Posted 10/17/2015 2:05 PM (GMT 0)
I have always wondered why do religious people always praise their god for good things, things of beauty, and even nature but, for some reason, don't do the same for bad things, ugly things, tornadoes etc.
Posted 10/17/2015 3:29 PM (GMT 0)
Nature and beauty isn't reserved for those "religious people." There can be a calm peaceful feeling when around animals or in the mountains, wilderness ect. for some people. Some even prefer the company of animals over those of people, of any kind.

When things got really bad I headed for the mountains, away from people, and would just sit and take in the calm peace I experienced in this place. I could hear the light breeze rustle the trees, a running stream or the quiet of the lake, watching chipmunks and birds. So much beauty and peace.

This world has a lot of ugly but there is a lot of good and beautiful...if a person wants to look.
Posted 10/17/2015 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
I love Casting Crowns!

Power, some of us are more quiet. I am thankful for every day. Suicide was my safety net for too long. Most days now, I see purpose. I put my hand over my heart and feel purpose.

Most days I do not try and question the things I do not understand.

I have come to mostly accept that there is evil and good in the world, most things happen for a reason. I can look back and see my path on many things, even my abuse on some areas since I am now a facilitator in a support group and art has sprung from the black hole.

In recovery from trauma you are taught radical acceptance, I believe this is part of having faith also. It is not blind faith, it is the unexplained things you see in life, good and bad then the final out come.

Peace
Trina
Posted 10/17/2015 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
Power, God is ultimately responsible for everything that happens to us it is true, we aren't sheltered from evil or suffering because without it we would have no freedom, freedom to choose to love God or reject him. Without my suffering I wouldn't be the person I am today, I would be the person I was 3 years ago, that was unsympathetic, greedy and selfish. My suffering made me connect with other people in a way that cannot be taught through theory but one can only learn through living it. So I'm not thankful for my suffering but I can understand why its a part of life. I hope one day it will end, for now I have to be thankful for the brief moments I have that are pain free, as some don't even get that.
Posted 10/17/2015 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
Glad that works for you Andy. How about the very young children that suffer greatly then die. There are just too many bad things that happen to good people and too many good things that happen to bad people.
I see religion as a crutch. Some people need someone to look over them. They need someone to blame for the bad. If it works for them it is a good thing.
It reminds me very much of my childhood when I would ask my parents why. I had to accept "because I said so" back then. Now that I have grown up that doesn't satisfy me. Wish it did. It would make things much easier.

Snoopy, I am one of those people who value the company of animals more than people. Animals have the same problems as people. They seem to be able to work things out a lot better than people. I spend many hours in my back yard, which is pretty good size, watching the animals going about their life. It has a calming effect on me.
Posted 10/17/2015 9:21 PM (GMT 0)
Just saying, if this thread becomes heated the slightest, it will be locked. We are really not suppose to discuss religion, but so far the thread has been alright. Just people giving their opinions. But we are keeping an eye on it.

Power, I have seven acres and get a lot of wildlife. I appreciate it so much. Years ago I lived farther into the woods and had many different animals coming in. The property next to me sold and I had a whole family of fox come in to live under an old building next to me. I video taped them getting up in the morning and coming out to stretch. It was so cool. I had deer, coyotes, turkeys, all kinds of birds and squirrels. I just loved it every day. With that being said, I myself, love the company of animals and can relate to them much better than I can a lot of people. I am more comfortable with them I think because I trust them (especially my dog) more than I do people. But I have not given up on people like I did years ago. I think coming here lets me know that there are a lot of people that feel the same way. I think coming here is going to help you realize that not there is still hope for mankind. We can share here, nobody tries to hurt anyone. I am glad you joined us and all the other new members.

I Hope you all have a good evening.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/17/2015 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
Getting by, I have had a couple of fox as pets. The last was a silver fox. Las December I released him into the wild. He would go for a few days and come back. This went on for a while then a neighbor shot him. He lived but was crippled in one back leg. I got him back into shape and put him through a exercise program. When he was back in shape, still crippled though, I release him again knowing he would not return. He did come back a few times during the night. I sure hated to see him go but he would not have been happy unless he was free. He was about the best pet I ever had. He would sleep beside me on a pillow.
I also lost my dog right before I released my fox. They were happy with each other to be with but when my dog died the fox was lonely.
My yard is a sanctuary for all animals. I have a 6ft fence around it that keeps house cats out so it is safe for small animals.
I would be lost without the animals.
Posted 10/17/2015 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
I wish that I had fence around my yard. I love to feed the birds but it always attracts cats. And the bunnies that eat my bushes and such. Oh well. Plus I could let my dog run in it. I have lost a number of dogs in my life, it is never easy. But I still get another one. I couldn't live without a dog, though they do tie me down some. But I love them.

One time I was walking two dogs that I had in the woods. They were loose. Up in front of us was a cougar. A young one. Once my dogs saw it, it took one leap and it was gone. Thankful for that. But they aren't usually in our area. The DNR said somebody probably had it as an exotic pet and dropped it off at a rest area not far from where I saw it. It was a magnificent sight. Of course, no camera. No cell phones back then either. But I will never forget it.

I had a black bear in my sunflower bin too. It ran off once the dogs barked at it. I have birds of prey sometimes too. Usually a falcon or a hawk. It is so awesome to be able to enjoy nature. Some people can't see it, I guess... Many exploit it. But there are us rare few that enjoy it and appreciate and respect it.

It would be cool to have a fox pet. I saw a white one on face book today. It was tame it looked like. I like to watch nature programs on the tv too. I really enjoy that.

I hope you have a good night. Nice chatting with you.

Hugs, Karen...
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12