To lay it out in simple form, I am the human contradiction. I have no self-confidence, yet I have a massive ego. I want to turn my life around, but I want to die at the same time. I want people to look at me and think I have no weakness, but all I want to do is cry. I want to do the best in everything but I don’t even want to try. When I wake up, I want to always wake up happy every time, but sometimes I don’t even want to wake up anymore. I like to listen to my music and sing because it drowns my thoughts so dark that I wouldn’t share them with anyone.. I have good days and I have bad days. Sometimes I cry because I can’t find something as simple as my keys, or my shoes. It feels like such an effort to try and find things. The laundry is piled high in my bedroom because I am too overwhelmed by the fact that I have so much laundry to do. It sounds stupid.. But it’s hard for me. Hell, I am proud of myself just for getting out of bed in the mornings. Because there was one point where I didn’t ever leave my bedroom.
Small tasks are hard and difficult. I either eat too much or I starve myself. I sleep all day or I have insomniac nights. I don’t know what the so-called “grey area” is. Its either I’m really happy and excited or I am very angry and upset. There is no in-between. I think about
*****often and some days it scares the living hell out of me. Other days it brings me comfort. Before this depression and bipolar hit me like a tidal wave, I was so vibrant. I had so many friends. I was always out doing something. I always had many people around me. But now that number has dwindled down to a select few. The others couldn’t handle my ups and downs. And the worst part is that my mood swings weren’t even my fault. I lost so many people in my life due to this stupid thing called mental illness. I lost relationships with guys, with friends.. I felt so alone. I was in a relationship for almost 2 years. And I honestly did love him in the beginning. But as it went on I realized I was only staying with him so I wouldn’t be alone. He was the only person I had besides my family. And my family doesn’t understand what I go through every day of my life. I put up with the bullcrap and the different forms of abuse, verbal, emotional, and physical, for so long just because I knew that if I didn’t, and I left him, I knew I would be dead within a month. The cause? Suicide. I put up with him even bringing me down lower and lower by calling me “crazy” and calling me “stupid” and “insane”. Saying that my mood swings, and depression were all “****ing fake”.
I have episodes where I get so mad, so fast that I don’t even realize what I am saying until I am calm again.. I get really happy really fast. Any emotion can hit me just like that. I can sink low as low can be in a matter of seconds just because of something that someone says to me. I constantly am trying to find friends because that’s all I want. I crave people in my life that understand because I can’t even fully understand myself. When I am in a group of people at a bonfire or something, I try and avoid them not liking me by trying to make friends with everyone.. I sometimes can be excessively loud, or too excited. I turn to drugs. That’s one of the things that makes me very happy. When I am high I feel like nothing can hurt me. I’m not low anymore. I feel alive and happy. There’s a reason why I want to get high all the time.. Because I don’t have those thoughts in my head.. I don’t have thoughts of death or loneliness or fear or anxiety. I could be in a crowd full of people and still manage to feel alone somehow..
I constantly contradict myself. I never know when something is going to set me off. When I get really happy, you sometimes tell me I’m not acting like myself. When I am. It’s like a cycle. I go through depressive states of mind for a week or two, then ill have manic periods for a week or so where I have a very elevated mood and I am really happy and overly excited and giggly about
things. Having these mental illnesses is waking up and not being able to find a reason to get out of bed. It’s knowing that people love you but you sometimes cant find a reason to even care because you don’t understand why they love you.. It’s having your boyfriend wanting to talk to you and you not even having the energy to respond sometimes. It’s looking at yourself in the mirror and wanting to shatter it into pieces. It is knowing deep inside that when you are really happy or too excited that it simply means that you’re about
to go back and spin out of control again before depression finds you again. It is slipping into a darkness that has no expiration date. Living with these mental illnesses is feeling all of these things all at once when just the day before you were “fine.”
When people ask me “what’s wrong with you” sometimes I don’t even know the answer. Constantly going through the cycle of hypomania, to a normal mood, to mild depression, to being anxiety filled, to having major depression, only to start the cycle over again soon is so exaughsting sometimes. Sometimes I want to smoke weed, sometimes I don’t even have the energy to pick up a blunt.
I just want people to understand that sometimes, I’m going to act like I don’t give a crap. (Major depression mood) sometimes I am going to be super happy and excited and wanting to go out and do stuff. (Hypomania mood) sometimes I’m going to be chill and calm (normal mood) and sometimes I am going to cry and cry and cry about
anything hurtful or jokes people say or comments people make.. (Depression mood) Other times I am going to act like I am afraid to lose people and feel worthless and like people want nothing to do with me (anxiety). I’ve lost a lot of people because of this crap I have to deal with. I know I am a ***** sometimes. I know I am crazy sometimes. But I feel like I cant help this crazy cycle I’m in.
Post edited for improper content.
Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 4/5/2016 7:59:46 AM (GMT-6)