Posted 6/2/2016 2:30 PM (GMT 0)
A quick grasp on things...This is my first post on here. I have never abused, cheated, insulted or hurt otherwise any woman I have ever been with..poster boy for how to treat a woman.
My girlfriend decided to leave on April 26th. She was my "first" and has always had that special place in my heart. We have known each other since 1991 (9th grade) and dated throughout high school. She was a promiscuous girl, but many teenagers are. After graduation she moved to Florida with her father and we lost touch. I will go into detail how we ended up back together after losing touch.
I ended up moving on (as one eventually does after high school crushes) and having a long lasting relationship with another woman (10 years) and had a daughter. During this time, "daughter's mom" wouldn't hold a job, had no motivation to better herself and always wanted to party (drinking a lot). I ended up going to college and working full time to handle the family matters that needed handled. I was also the one to get our daughter up in the mornings and manage the daily duties of getting her ready for school and on the bus. Well, one day "daughter's mom" told me I'm a "deadbeat, no good, loser dad". Wow. Just wow. That hurt really bad and I decided this was not the person I needed to be with. It was VERY hard, but eventually I left.
about a month later, I met someone else. We didn't "date" for about 3 months. I don't think I had the proper time to heal, but everything went well. We then got married after 4 years of dating. It was time. My chance to settle down. YAY!!!!. Then social media becomes a thing. I was able to reconnect with my first love. We chatted for about 5 years online. She lived in Florida, my wife and I in Ohio. My wife and my first love actually got along over the internet and became friends. We eventually went down to Florida for a big Halloween bash and had a blast together. My first love was married, three kids, house..living the life.
Or so I thought. After we left, we discovered "first love" had a drinking problem and had to go to rehab. While she was in there, her daughter was molested/raped by the one she called daddy. I won't go into any more details on that, but she had to flee with her kids, but with no other choice than to send her kids off to friends because she didn't have a job (due to being in rehab for 3 months). They were adopted by family friends and she went to a homeless shelter to "restart". Then we see it. My first love was coming back to Ohio to live with her mom as a part of her "restart".
Well... my wife....she had no motivation to better herself either (just like baby's mom) and would NEVER finish anything she started. Three years into the marriage (we were together for 7 years at this point) she decides to become a stripper. OK. I'm not one to judge. Everyone has that thing they want to try. So she did. After 3 weeks on the job, she decided she doesn't want to be with me anymore because she met someone. Ugg. Here we go again. Just out of the blue. Well, after hours and hours of pleading and begging and crying for this not to happen, it eventually does. I had to leave.
I went to live with my sister. In the meantime, my first love and I started talking immediately afterwards. She was loyal to my cause (since we knew each other for so long). Then, first love gets a phone call that her daughter needed to come live with her. Details as to why we won’t discuss, but she needed mom and was 17 at this point. So, first love and I decided to move in with each other and start a life. We got a place, picked up her daughter from Florida and away we go. This was a little over 3 years ago.
Everything was great, but I couldn’t get first love to go out and do things. I was the outdoorsy type, she was a home body. OK. NO problem. I love her. After about a year, I picked up playing video games since that is something I can do indoors. During this time, her daughter graduates high school and decides to go back to Florida to go to college.
I suddenly notice that my sex drive is diminishing terribly and I’ve gained some weight. Her sex drive was high and has also gained some weight, but I still found her appealing. Very. I felt a bout of depression kicking in and couldn’t explain it. I loved her. She was sexy as hell, but I had no interest in sex. Everything “worked” when we did, but for some reason I just had no interest. Then it hit me…we only had sex like 3 times all year! Because of me, not her! That woke me up. I realized I had a problem. I started eating better, no soda, no junk food; the pounds starting falling off. She did the same.
Another year later, first love starts becoming stir-crazy and then in February of this year, she tells me she isn’t sure she wants to be with me anymore. She’s crying. Heart broken. She says it’s because our relationship isn’t moving forward and that I need to stop playing video games so much. So I did. I scaled it back again. From almost every day to 2-3 times per week, if that. We reconciled and she agreed to try again. I told her we need to go out and do things together more often. She agreed.
I would ask her to go out and do things, still nothing. No interest. Then on April 26th, I just felt a “disturbance”. Something just was not right. I asked her about it and she says she doesn’t want to be with me because she is on the verge of cheating on me and I do not deserve it and that I’m always angry at the world and it brings her down (yelling at slow moving cars, pissed about food taking too long in a restaurant, etc..). I’m blown the hell away. I know I have an “I hate humans” type attitude, but I didn’t really realize it was affecting her at all. She/us was everything I ever wanted. I literally fell to the floor feeling my heart drop. I never felt that before. The death of my father…all the other girls I lost… didn’t hold a candle to the pain I was feeling. This was my forever. My one and only. My one true happy place in life…and now it’s over. I cried and cried and cried. Oh my GOD did I cry. Never have I EVER felt this before. This is what I imagined death would feel like. I give her props for not cheating on me, but it doesn’t make it any better.
So…she leaves. I couldn’t be there when she did so I left for a few hours. I come home and she isn’t there. Again, I fell to the floor. Literally. I stayed there for what felt like hours and actually fell asleep right there. Crying. Sobbing.
We keep in touch. We text. I would see her on her way to work (she has to pass where I live to get there). A small fog lifted. I felt like this was a chance to start working on what we had again, but slowly. So I ask her to go for a walk with me. It went well. A few days later, she asks me to walk with her at her place (with her sister). I did…it went well. Then, this past Saturday morning, she texts me at 8am and says, “Are you awake”. I respond, “yes ma’am”. She says, “Good. open the door and let me in!”. OMG! What? I go to the door and she bursts out laughing, “I brought breakfast!”. And she did. She had handfuls of breakfast bars, cinnamon rolls and those microwave breakfast bowls we liked to eat so much. She said she wants to spend the day with me. “Let’s just go do laundry”. A simple thing, I think...so we do it. It went well, but a little awkward. I mean, we are split up. Then she says, “Why don’t you come back to my place. We can go for a walk downtown in the city”. OK. We do that. We walked for at least 6 hours resulting in going out to dinner together at a place we haven’t been to since we were kids. It was fantastic. We go back to her place to change our clothes (it was a very humid, hot day). “Let’s go and do it again!” she says. Alright. I’m down. We go and walk throughout the city again. Tall buildings, public art projects, people watching...it was a blast. She asks if we should hit a bar and possibly play some pool. “OK.” I said. Probably not a good idea with all the emotions, but we did. She gets a bit drunk. She should NOT have gotten drunk (being an alcoholic), but I had a feeling it was for a reason. I’m also not her keeper. I expressed it wasn’t a good idea, but she insisted. Now it’s late and I tell her that it’s time to go home. I walk her home. On the way, she starts revealing a few things. She says she doesn’t believe she can be monogamous. That she can love more than one person at a time, but equally. I know what that means. I’m open minded and can understand that. It’s not for me, but I can understand it. She talks about a guy at work she has been sleeping with, but only recently. She swears she never cheated. We get to her place and talk. Well, after talking and crying and trying to find a happy medium, it hits me that I need to go home. This isn’t turning out well. So I tuck her in and go home.
When I get home, I text her mother asking her to check up on first love sometime today. Within a minute, her mom calls me asking what’s wrong. I break down crying. I explain what happened in not so many details, which I understand now I should not have done. Her mom says she won’t say anything to first love about us talking, but will check up on her.
about 3 hours later, first love sends me a text asking me to never talk with her family about what’s going on between us and that I crossed the line. It’s ok to talk to them, just not about last night and “us”. I agree. I should not have opened up to her mother, but I was hysterical. I was crying. Sad. Depressed for having lost what I always wanted and loved having. Her mom told her we talked.
Then…nothing. Nothing for two days. No contact with first love at all. I texted her many times that I was sorry and can we discuss this in a sober conversation. Nothing.
On Tuesday, I text her mid-day saying, “Thinking of you. I hope you’re ok”.
She responds with this, “I am fine. Very well in fact. I don’t want you to think that I have just cut you off completely, but I am not ready to talk about anything at this point. I do want to say one more thing: After seeing what happened this weekend (which I do NOT want to discuss any further than this) I have made a decision for myself. There will be no chance for us to get back together until you can learn to live without me. What I mean by that (so there is no misunderstanding) is that *I* need to see that you can absolutely move forward WITHOUT me in order for us to ever have a chance of being together again. Again: if you want us to be together in the future, I need to see you move forward and progress without me. I am not ignoring you, not cutting you off. I’m just standing my ground and I will not get involved in a conversation I do not want to be a part of”.
I respond thanking her for not ignoring me and explained that I love her and will respect her and not discuss what happened that night until she is ready. Then I start randomly texting her little things. Nothing romantic, but talking about positive things. My brother bought my movie ticket last night. I left my sun tan lotion at your place. Can you please put it in your car to give to me the next time we see each other?
Nothing. No response. OK. I figured she was busy. A few hours later I text her asking if she got my message about the lotion. Nothing. Again, no reponse.
I realize I may have misunderstood what she said in her message to me. Maybe she was saying she just didn’t want to talk to me AT ALL right now.
It’s been 3 days and no response. She has liked a few of my photos and statuses on Facebook, but no real communication. I know I need to give her time, but this is killing me.