Posted 6/30/2016 9:38 PM (GMT 0)
Lucy:
You wrote:
"There are so many times it seems this is truly not in my control. I know there are things I can do, but it seems this is not "my fault" that I am feeling like this..."
"Ideas??"
Here's some:
Years ago a group meeting, I was telling all of my troubles in a troubled tone of voice, as I did as often as I could. When I got through, the lady sitting next to me, looked up at me and said,
"Oh, you were having a Pity Party. We've all done that."
That's all she said, Lucy. Embarrassed the heck out of me. What was she telling me, Lucy? That I didn't have a right to tell my troubles for hours on end? No, she said I did have a right. That we've all done that.
So she never said, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Grow up! She didn't say that, Lucy. She just embarrassed the heck out of me, there in front of the other group members.
I wish you could have heard her, Lucy. Heard her tone of voice. Her looking me straight in the ye from about a foot away, ready to pounce when I got finished telling all of my trouble.
Wish you could have seen her facial expression, Lucy. Not mean, not attacking, not sympathic, not understanding, just from one adult to another--STOP IT!
I wish I could throw another Pity Party. But I can't, Lucy. For whenever I try, I hear that woman's voice, and I see her face, and it doesn't work.
I'm not having a Pity Party now, Lucy. I'm writing to someone who hurts. Just like that woman did for me that day. I don't know if she was an angel or not, Lucy. I know she provided a key part of my therapy, of my building blocks to moving forward and not dwelling on my problems to the point that I miss my life.
I wish you could sit beside that woman for about a minute while you tell your troubles to her and the rest of the group. I can't do her voice, Lucy, I don't have that expression, I don't have her wisdom, her patience while she sat there and listened to my troubles, knowing what she was going to say when I stopped feeling sorry for myself.
I can't do you any good, Lucy. Only that woman could do it. Embarrass the heck out of you, a full grown adult, acting like a baby. See, I don 't have it, Lucy.
Red-faced embarrassment, Lucy, is the only thing that helped me, and may be the only thing that will help you. I was so embarrassed, I have NEVER felt sorry for myself again.
Until then, can you get out and do some volunteer work?
I came across a column years ago which helped me a lot. I didn't know it, but I was unconsciously negative, having been raised in a negative household and having a major mental illness--manic-depression.
When a problem occurred, I would be unconsciously looking for a negative outcome, to match what I had learned in childhood, things that are bad are bad, which again, matched my negative thinking, meaning I was thinking correctly--things are bad.
What I was missing was that problems are bad, but the chances of solving them can be good. The column said, your attitude going into a problem can be the biggest asset you have, meaning, if you think you can solve it, if your mental attitude going into a problem is that you can solve it, your chances of solving it double.
I had never thought about that. I didn't realize my unconscious was set on negative, since it was in my uncon. and I couldn't see it. Now when I go into a problem, I don't worry about the problem, I worry about my neg. uncon. I say, "Think positive, think positive, think positive..." trying to clear out any neg. in my hidden uncon.
Only then do I start to think about the problem, trying to eliminate me as the biggest obstacle to my solving the problem. Then I allow any idea to solve it to have full attention, and to not deliberately knock it down by my neg. uncon.
I also tell myself, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."