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Falling back into depression?

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Posted 11/24/2005 9:46 AM (GMT 0)
5 years my only child died of anorexia at only 13 years old. I blamed myself for her death and it didn’t help that my ex also blamed me for the death and whatever else was going wrong at the time. He divorced me only 2 weeks after our daughter died. I was totally alone my family wasn’t much help and friends didn’t really understand. I cried all the time. I felt like a failure I had to quit my job, I started smoking, drinking, I wouldn’t eat for days - I wanted to feel the pain she felt. I started wondering why I am still here, I have nothing to live for. I couldn’t stand it anymore and I tried to end my own life. Since then I went into therapy and starting taking Zoloft and was doing okay until recently. Lately Ive been feeling exactly the same, I cry almost every night sometimes for no apparent reason, I cant eat and have lost tons of weight (I make myself eat at least once a day) weekends I sleep 12-14 hours a day, and I've been wondering what would happen if I did try to take my own life again. I don’t think I would actually go threw with it, but it does cross my mind a few times a day. My 10 year old adopted son has also noticed the changes in me. I’m still on the Zoloft and stoped going to therapy a few years ago. Is this something to be concerned about or am I just in a slump?
Posted 11/24/2005 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know about meds, so I don't know if maybe you need a dosage or med change, but I'd think about that. I do know about counseling, and it sounds to me like you need to go back.

I'm sure you remember the Columbine shootings. I worked for the Navy. One of the survivors from the lunch room--a close friend of one of the football players who was killed--was stationed here. He was devastated, not just about what happen in the lunch room, but because he had seen what was being done to the boys who did the shooting and had not acted to stop it. It changed him--and I think it's safe to say it changed him forever.

He also said that after the shooting he wondered why he was still here, so when you said it, I thought of him and all the good he did for his "shipmates". He was a force for good, among 100 young people. He single handily wiped out the selfish aand mean thinking of many; he made it a place where everyone could thrive; he even spent his own time and money (and some of mine) to buy clothes for the kids who didn't know how to or couldn't afford to dress like others. He was the most awesome young man I've ever seen.

You said that at one time you wondered why you are still here. Some survivors of great losses become vengeful and angry, but more who go through such losses are transformed like that boy--into better, kinder, gentler folks. Your caring so very much shows you are on that route, but the weekend sleeping shows that you have not quite made it yet.

See your doctor and explain what is going on. He may change your prescription. Go back to counseling and learn to let yourself feel that pain so that you can get all the way through it. I'm sure in time you will be surprised by the positive effect you will have on many others.

bev
Posted 11/25/2005 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi I'm Diane
Your wondered what you have to live for? How about for that little boy. In a few years he will be in the clutches of adolesence. You know, when your teen age years are full of cofusion and fear!!!
I completely agree with Bev. You need to go back to your Dr. and also seek counceling. But this time come from it from a different angle. Not for you to get over it, but you getting over it to show your boy how to get over it. You must learn this life lesson to show him, how to move on. If you focus on him to get better, it will become a mission, not just a need.
Love is the strongest power there is. Use that power to heal you and the boy.
I am so sorry this terrable thing has happened to you. I can't amajine the pain it has caused you. If truth be told, you will probubly never get over it completely, but you must find a way to not let it consume you and the boy. I will read your site again, so talk to Bev and I. Talking always helps.
Posted 11/26/2005 6:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter so tragically. I cannot imagine your pain and what you've been through in the last 5 plus years of dealing with your daughter's anorexia, her death, your divorce... what a heavy load you have had to carry.

The meds are not doing enough for you now. You definitely need to talk to your doctor and tell her/him everything you've said here. It sounds like you might need a different med and to return to counselling for a while. Your depression is back and/or worse and you don't have to live this way. Do it for you. You deserve more relief. And do it for your son; he needs you functioning so he can get his needs met.

Have you attended grief counselling? Support group for parents who've lost children or maybe a specific group for anorxics? You could share and help a lot of people in a support group like that.

You could help prevent another family from suffering from a tragedy like you experienced.

I hope you'll talk to your doc to start with and take it from there.

Please post back and let us know how you are doing, okay. This is a great place to come and be with others! We care! Sending you loving ((HUGS)).

~Nanse

 

Post Edited (Nanse) : 11/25/2005 11:32:40 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/27/2005 5:09 AM (GMT 0)
You said you had nothing to live for, but or about your 10 year old son? Youve been through alot of pain, and im sure its rough, but you can not blame yourself for your daughters death. I myself had an eating disorder, and lost weight. My parents didnt realize it, they were just happy i was thinner. You cared and love your daughter, that is all you could of done, and im sure exactly what you did. you talk about taking your own life, or about your son? What will he do when all ready adopted once, realize another person he loves is gone. Maybe something to help you overcome this hard time, is to get closer to your son. Im sure he is really worried about you. If youre not in counseling, i would go back. Even if its hard talking, in the end its better than keeping everything inside.

best wishes. just dont lose hope, everything happens for a reason.
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