im only 16 & really need some help!!!!

I'm new to this and i HATE doing this sort of thing, but its my last resort! I usually dont tell ppl how im feeling or whats goin on in my life, but i dont even care ne more! So here ya go... Things have gone from bad to worse to horrible!!!! i just cant seem to be happy for more than a couple days. Im confused about everything!!!!! i should be happy, cuz im graduating a year early ((this year)) & im healthy & i have a nice home & great family, BUT im just not happy at all. I hate being around ppl-i would rather stay in my room all day by myself. Im starting to think i deserve everything bad that happens to me! i mean every1 says that i bring all this crap onto myself, but i dont see how. I have NO friends that live near me. The only friends i have live thousands of miles away. Lately NOTHING can make me happy for more than a couple minutes. Thanksgiving is coming up & i could really care less about it. I used to LUV spending time with family & friends! i LUVED being around ppl & having fun!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????

Hi Crimson_Angel,

I think Bev gave you some good advise but I would also suggest that you go to your dr. and talk to him/her for a complete check up to rule out any medical condition. You most likely don't have anything medically wrong but it would not hurt to have it checked out. You could also go to your school counselor and talk to them. You could be suffering from depression. It would not hurt to have it checked out. It may just be your hormones. You are at a tough age, going from being a child to being an adult. But if it is determined to be depression, the dr. may prescribe a low dose of an anti-depressent to help you thru all of this. What do you plan to do next year? Do you plan on going to college? If so, could you take a year off and just work somewhere and then go to college? That way you would have an extra year to mature and you would be with people your own age. You are obviously a very smart girl to be graduating a year early. I just want you to look at all your options and go with what feels most comfortable with.

You have come to the right place to talk and vent. Everyone here cares about each other and support each other. Please post back and keep us posted.

Chelsi

When my daughter was in 8th grade, the new basketball coach asked each girl if she was a christian and what church they went to. My daughter and one other refused to answer. Even thought they didn't fill out their team, my daughter and the other girl didn't get selected.

So, I sent her 70 miles away for two months to play for a much smaller school. That school and our school were in the playoffs. My daughter's school won--with my daughter making the winning shot in the last seconds of the game.

She came back days later and was called traitor. I told her don't respond. She was pushed around. I told her don't push back. Her life was threatened by the "good christian" girls on our team. I had the police talk to the team. After that the ringleaders shuned her and started a smear campaign--she was a living target for their abuse that whole school year.

Sadly some of her long time friends couldn't take the pressure and joined into the abuse. They started by passing her notes around; one even stole a letter left for the mailman--a federal violation. They left trashy pictures and notes on her desk, for her to find when she came into classrooms. She saw the word s-l-u-t on a bathroom wall in 20 inch letters and recognized the writing as another friend. She lived a lonely life that year. She took it all in silence at school, but was very, very lonely and hurt the whole school year.

The next year it was over. The ringleaders found new targets. Her old friends made up with her.

I asked her years later, if she would have played ball for the other school, if she knew what was going to happen. She said yes--a lot of good things came out of that year. She didn't offer an explanation and I didn't press it. She may have been talking about her being tested under fire. She may have been talking about new skills she acquired that year. She may have been talking about what she learned about group dynamics. She may have learned something about justice and standing up to the misdirected christian coach, who was fired over what happen at the end of the year.

Stress is a teacher. There are lessons for you in what is happening this year. Read your post again. There are simple changes you can make. Curtail your flirting in "wrong" places, like the school hallways or with "wrong" people, like someone elses boyfriend. Sharing secrets works when young, but this is your time to learn not to share secrets. (I guarantee you that every adult learned that lesson one way or another about the same age.)

Now comes a hard piece of knowledge. People--all people--want things to stay as they are. That means your parents, siblings, teachers, classmates--don't want you to change. If you do, it disrupts the pecking order. When you see things on TV about people like Oprah who "recreate" themselves, those are people who have learned to get out of the pecking order--without raising fear in others. I can't tell you how they do it--don't know--but if you make that a goal--odds are, you will find whys that threaten others less.

And last if you are dissed for writing in your journal, pay no attention. People write for one of two reasons--and both are about learning. Think about that and you will find a good answer, if you even want to bother answering.

bev

My daughter isn't sorry about what happen, nor am I. It was a hard year. That's all. Life works like that. There are good years and bad years--and for the most part the bad ones only last a year or so and the good ones vastly out number them.

Your answer about the flirting says that you have principles and integrity. I like both qualities, and put a lot of stock in them and admire people who have those traits.

"Everyone" thought I was smart, I didn't. "Everyone" told me I shouldn't marry my husband. I didn't listen. "Everyone" thought I was hostile. I couldn't see that in myself. When "everyone" spoke, I quit thinking, except for thinking about blocking out what they said. More recently in my life, I figured out that I should pay close attention when that urge to block hits, because sadly "everyone" is too often onto something, which I overlooked.

That doesn't mean that I have to be a puppet on "everyone's" strings. It means that instead of blocking and not thinking, I must think, I must figure out what they see. I retired last Jan. "Everyone" was worried about my plans and predicted I would have a difficult time going from being around and interacting with 100 people daily--to mainly just my husband. In the old days, I would have pooh-poohed that. I would have quit thinking and gone blindly into my future.

Instead I really thought about it, and decided they were right. Then I had choices. I could get a different job, I could join something, I could spend more time with my friends. I decided that I would follow my original plan--to make my household run more smoothly, which meant being alone a lot of the time. I also decided to watch for signs of depression, so it couldn't overtake me, unwares. Thus far I haven't been depressed, but I am beginning to think about small changes that will give me more people-contact.

I'm 100% in favor of not keeping things inside. It's especially important at your age, but it sounds like the people around you aren't the kind you can confide in. The journal is a good solution to that, but did you reveal it for others? If so, it's just like you were talking to the wrong people.

I couldn't help giggling about, "Every1 is always telling me i DO need to change! i dont think i should have to." Did you ever have a teacher write, "try harder" and ask yourself, try what harder? That's what it's like when people say to change--change what?!?!

Now, ask yourself, is what you are doing working? It doesn't sound like it. So yes you probably do need to change. That doesn't mean turning yourself into someone else or changing everything about yourself. Instead, "THE SMALLEST CHANGE IS THE BEST CHANGE." One example is to look at the people who have been mean to you and ask yourself, what is the smallest change I can make that will change this.

I don't lie, so my suggestion is that a small change might be to find ways to not tell all, without lying. In other words, when someone asks, "did you...." you smile and answer, "why do you want to know?" or say "I can't believe you are asking that." Then change the subject--ask them about themselves or ???. Answers like those allow you to hold your own counsel (do your own thinking), and they set boundaries to keep others from invading AND USING your life.

My flirting examples were things I saw in my youth, which I should have said, but failed to. They demonstrate how to think about flirting situationally. Situationally is important. It's like not swearing in front of a priest or minister--certain situations call for modifications in behaviour. Only you know where flirting crosses an imaginary line and causes problems. Only you can investigate those situations and decide how to behave in them.

I'm the last person in the world that would tell you not to be yourself. I worked in a chapel once--and I'm somewhere between athestist and agnostic. Out of deference to my boss and my position, I did not swear or do many other things, I might normally do. I also supported his work, 100%, even though I did not agree with the religous aspects. At your age, I would have felt like I was being phony, but at my age, I stayed me, with altered behaviour, which was suitable to the situation.

That's an adult trait. You say you will be going to work to help your family. Learn that trait now and you will save yourself job problems. I saved myself from problems at the chapel by doing my best, but I'm thinking now of a boss who showed me how to cheat customers when I was young. I refused to do it--that crossed my integrity line. When you know yourself you can make such decisions, so that you can alter, without loosing who you are.

So that point is adapt (change behavior), but never loose the valuable parts of yourself. Your principles and integrity are important. They will define who you are, your entire life. Whether or not you flirt tomorrow will not, but it can make life difficult on the short term.

bev

Your story reminds me of what I went through at age 16. My best friend went overseas for a year, and my whole social life went dead. My grades slipped (a lot), and my parents gave me all kinds of cr*p for it. Even my doctor joined them in giving me a guilt trip about "how could I do this to them." I felt completely alone & miserable.

The first thing to remember is *it gets better*. As you move into a new stage in life, stuff that seems important to you now won't seem like such a big deal, and other stuff will be safely behind you. Know you're not alone in feeling this way, and you won't have to feel this way forever. Don't lose hope.

Second, in high school, everyone is insecure. Everyone. Even the "popular" people. The ones who look down on their classmates or make fun of them are usually just trying to make themselves feel superior because they're insecure on the inside. Like Bevhea said, we get years of practice at being a kid, then we have to learn a whole new way to behave, and it's awkward & confusing for everyone.

Third, don't blame yourself or put yourself down. That's depression talking. You'd be amazed at how much better you'd feel about yourself if you got a medication that works. I used Effexor for years and then it stopped working for me, so now I'm taking a combination of things. Get your doctor to try something new, or maybe adjust the dosage.

Fourth (sorry this is so long), if you're graduating that young and everyone says you're smart, that's strong evidence that you are. Being smart will help you get scholarships for college, and you may qualify for financial aid. Even if you can only afford to take one class at a time at night at some community college, *do it.* It will help you meet new people and make new friends, and at least you'll make some progress toward a degree. I took 4 years off between high school and college, and believe me, it's much harder to go back later. Best to get it done and out of the way early.

Lastly, in regard to flirting, don't do it too much. Speaking as a guy, I always found it frustrating and confusing to get mixed signals from a girl. Is she really interested, or is she just flirting for fun? It can really screw with a guy's head. Save the flirting for a guy you're really interested in. And don't let your desire to be liked make you throw yourself at a guy, or put up with being treated badly by one. Guys your age are driven wild by their hormones and are just beginning to learn how to treat a woman. Respect yourself, and insist that guys respect you. They'll think much better of you than if you were a pushover or seemed desparate.

OK, I'll stop preaching now. Hope this helps!

--Mentat

We'll be watching for your return and update.

bev

One best friend who is really a friend and cares is worth any number, 10, 100, 1000, 10000 who aren't like that. My best friend was Judy. We met in 7th grade--and she did not like me, but was raised too well to let me know. That changed, and we've been friends for 50 years.

Don't waste your time thinking you can't do anything right. The concept of right and wrong has a strange way of accomodating people. What I think is right for my daughter isn't what she thinks is right for her. Who's to say which one of us is wrong. Time is the only decider of right and wrong--and it decides based on how we used information. Example: If you slipped on ice, you would learn very quickly to be more careful the next time you are on ice. You can do the same with every other type of "fall."

So in the end, bad is often good and good is often bad. Don't waste your time dissing yourself, invest your time in learning what to move toward and what to move away from.

So that's my advice for the new year--and I hope you have a very good one.

bev

You are 16, and your family (like everyone else's) is screwed up. AND ther eis nothing wrong with you. I can promise you that. Please read the following message, I wrote this to my step daughter who lives in Oklahoma and we never get to see her because he mom hates me, I am white she is black ( my step daughter is mixed) but I think what I wrote all teens need to read it applies to everyone in some way:

I'm sorry that things are the way they are in your life, nobody is guaranteed to have a "great" or "perfect" life. What we are garanteed is life itself and the roads we choose to walk down will never be easy, we are also garanteed that for every choice we make, good or bad it will reflect on us for the rest of our life. No one is immune to these facts. There are also facts of our life we take for granted everyday, with the human mind we question these facts because of emotion, but we must find ways to remember that regardless of what is said to us, around us or by us these facts will always remain true. These facts are as follows:
1: You are born to two people that have a love for you that you will never understand until you have children of your own. From the day that anyone is told they will be a parent a special love grows in your heart, for your child and for God. This love never dies, it grows with you and with them for eternity. The blessing of any child that God chooses to give you is the greatest gift of life.
2: Nobody will ever be able to tell you or describe to you the love that your mother and father have. All parents love with every breath they take. There is nothing in the world that will break your bond with your parents.
3: In life we will seperate from our parents, we never know when that will happen. Many will seperate at a very young age and then there will be that special percent that seperate at death. We must remember that just because we seperate we don't stop loving, in fact it has been proven that when seperation happens the love and emotion a parent has for their child tends to grow and can even enpower them to have such a strong and undying love that it defines how they love everyone else around them.
4: The pain a parent endures from seperation of their child, be it from divorce, the child moving out to be on their own, or even death is so stong that the heart forever aches a pain that is unimaginable. I myself can not fathom the pain that I have for my loss, let alone what your father has lost.
5: The steps a parent will take for their child may never be seen, felt or heard. The tears a parent cries for their child may never be seen, felt or heard. And the love a parent feels for their child may never be seen, felt or heard. But they are all there and forever remain to be there.
6: As humans we may never like, or appreciate the life that God has choosen for us, but we learn to live it and learn to find ways to make us happy. They may not be ideal and they may make us ache, but we do it because we have no choice. Life moves us forward, and we must go with it, otherwise what would be left of us if we dont?

The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran writes:

Your children are not your children. They are the son's and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You maybe house thier bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.

I hope that you take something out of this and it wil help you through your life. I hope that at the last hour that some of this will make sense. Life will move forward, and you will go forward too. As the years pass by life will never make sense to anyone, it will just be. I pray that someday life will give us what we desire, and if not that we can at least accept what was given to us.

 

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