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Posted 11/28/2005 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
I am at my spiritual lowest point again in my life.  I have tried committing suicide 2x in the past 3 years, both were suicidal impulses (not planned, just sort of happened) I ended up hospitalized both times, held there for about 2wks at each time.

I was taking lexapro, and it seemed to help but I have chronic pain due to my dx'nosis of crohns, and fibromaylgia.   But now my insurance has ran out, mainly due to divorce~~ he stopped it.  So there goes the "through sickness and in health"  He bolted when it came time to realize I am going to have a debilitating diease for the rest of my life, money was more important to him than I was.  And continues to be that way.. Glad tho, it's the best thing to happen to me~ the divorce I mean.

Anyways, since I have no more lexapro and have long stopped taken it.. I have opened up my eyes for the first time in a long time, to the reality.   And it sucks, sucks bad.  I don't think I would be depressed if it wasn't for the fact that I have been sick daily for the past 3 years and in a hella lot of pain.  But I have totally reclused myself!  I was kinda a perfectionist, till last year.  Now I don't care what my house looks like, dont care what I look like, don't care even enough to shower.. why bother? Yes I know that sounds gross, but if you could only see what my life was like before this devasting blow, you'd be shocked!  I go through periods of insomnia and periods of sleeping for days... I lost touch with my friends, family and even lost interest in the things I love to do most~ art.   Some of it is the sickness/disease that keeps me at home, low energy because of lack of iron, extremely anemic and not being able to digest properly, they took 7 1/2 inches of my small intestine and now the disease is back in the same spot.  I'm losing faith, hope and gaining bitterness, envy, anger & most importantly my self-esteem. 

I'm dull, numb you name it..  walking around knowing death is following me everywhere I go.. That whole sense of DOOM, yep I got it!  I just found out some very interesting things in my medical records that docs have not mentioned to me before... one of them being my heart, an abnormal ECG/EKG  I have 3 bewtiful children who need me, but I don't want them seeing me like this at all! So I have been letting their dad take care of them more and more each day.... suppose to be joint custody but its getting hard to take care of myself let alone them even though they are capable of most everything, including putting themselves to bed and the sad part? They are tucking me in... I feel SICK! UNFIT MOTHER... GAWD! Whose children tend for their mom!  Okay getting blurry now, cant see the screen as clear as I did a second ago..

Anyways if you could, no matter how much faith I am losing each day will you toss a prayer this way?  For my kids especially?

I hold all of you out there who are in pain whether its physical or emotional or both with the upmost respect and compassion.  I am praying constantly for the posts I read here on HW, and those who are being driven past my house in an ambulance for their familys/friends and whoever needed to be taken via ambulance.  But I have just a few people in my life besides my kids that are close to me, because I have basically pushed others away....... Less people I know, the less will hurt if I leave them... gah.. yep my spiritual lowest.  Please, pray I don't care which God you believe in, I just know through the power of people praying or sending warm thoughts, that this will change, I hope...Normally I wouldn't ask for a prayer, but I feel guilty when I think about asking him for help... anways enough babble... Just glad that HW is around, so I can quietly type what I feel and no one judges me... because I know you all are going through some sort of pain or you wouldn't be here.

Thanks for  reading this far,

Your all in my prayers,

Jen

Posted 11/28/2005 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry to be your first reponse. I do not have a God or pray. I place my faith in people caring about others and helping each other. I hope that's enough.

In case you haven't been divorced for very long, your ex cannot stop your insurance. I think the law about this is called COBRA--a 3 year extension for ex-spouses. Someone else may know more about it. See an attorney who practices in Federal court. I don't know if it will do any good, but being informed is better than not being.

I didn't have physical illness to contend with--just mental illness--but like you I also opened my eyes and saw reality. It was, for sure, a black and hurtful reality. But my divorce had also been black and hurtful, and like you it was a blessing in disguise.

You will find that seeing reality is a wonderful guide, which will take you to things better than you ever imagined.

bev
Posted 11/30/2005 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Jen my heart goes out to you for the pain you are in physically, spiritually and emotionally. I wish I could give you a hug personally and take you out for a coffee. I remember a while back I met you on the crohn's board and you responded when I was at my lowest and I've never forgotten that :-) I have never received a diagnosis but continue to be in pain and am struggling with the whole God thing at the moment as I don't understand why some get healed/relief and I don't. I am a Christian and it has deeply affected my faith. Nevertheless, I will pray for you and your loved ones.

Is there a way you can get back to the dr. and go on another anti-depressant Jen? I'm very concerned as you have alot on your plate to deal with and you'd be superhuman if you weren't depressed. I know pain has worn me down and affected my whole outlook. God knows where I'd be wothout anti-depressants.

Take care of yourself and post again so we know how you're doing.
Posted 12/5/2005 12:49 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Softy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A name I havent seen in awhile!  I don't know what to say, about being dx.  In away I hope that you don't have crohn's, but I know what it also feels like to not know > which I think is WORSE. 

When I read your post, it brought a smile to my face and some held back tears... Thank you for the hug....

Each day seems to get worse.  I've set up a will, and being stuck in this house has left me to believe everyone is out to get me.  I don't really believe that, but my ex's is really angry with a couple of choices I made and has always threatened me with either committin suicide if I left him, or he would kill me if I left him, either way I never felt safe.  Now that we are divorced, I still wonder whats going on in his mind and at times because of how much my mother loved him, if they are in kahootz together.  As silly as that sounds, I know in reality that though it's possible, its the most absurd idea.  But I have always been sound.  Looking at things that have happened in my life, that they happen for a reason, to either make me grow stronger in faith or that something good would come out of it~ like learning patience with all these friggen doctors I have.  GI doc, OBGYN doc, Rheumy Doc, Primary Doc, life would be so much easier if I just had ONE, who knew ME & MY BODY!  But I suppose thats asking for too much.  

I am seeing this therapist (er up till my insurance got cancelled) She was soothing my "inner thoughts" by trying this therapy on me for people who have PTSD.  At first, I thought ok~ this is weird.  But this lady tapped on my knees, one knee then the other repeatingly over and over like a swinging pendillum that makes people hyptomized.  I closed my eyes while she did this and my eyes, my mom said starting to go back and forth like that in REM.  I instantly went back to a day when I was a little girl, I could feel, see, and hear everything that was going on back then just like as if I was there.  But I started crying, something happened I guess when I was little that you'd say was my first PTSD episode, I had blocked it outta my mind for so long and this lady had brought it up to NOW!  She says there is a part of the brain that wont uhm, finish the processing thing.... Example~ if you had a car accident and relive it over and over, it hasn't been processed in the brain the right way.  So you go into like a R.E.M sleep and relive it there and for some reason it does what it is suppose to do and you don't forget what happened but you don't dwell on it... Not exactly sure what she called it but they have been doing it since early 90's and are just starting to bring it out in therapy for people with ptsd.  Getting told you are going to have a dibelating nasty disease for the rest of your life could be an good example as ptsd.  It's trauma, it causes depression and anxiety.  Which both I've already have prior to dx'd.  Anyway, was just making progress and then BOOM no insurance no service. Still lookin into Bev, said about Cobra... I sure hope I'm entitled.  Insurance agents wont or dont usually accept "pre-existing conditions" So Im depressed about that too.. I'm hoping that this will all go away sooon........ the pain, the emotions, fears and irrational fears.  I just gotta start believing again.  Pending doom, afraid of everything worrying from kids, to my mother and my health and the stress of my reality, no healthcare atm. is too much! 

Thanks again Softy, I don't visit as often anymore.. so Im so longwinded hehe but knowing I'm not alone helps too. And Bev I respect your beliefs, I thank you for the knowledge and especially sharing with me about your divorce.... divorce an ugly word, but has been the only thing to make feel independant again, even when I need to accept help from others.. bah

ttys! L&H's

jen

Posted 12/5/2005 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, and I have said a prayer for you. There is a God, and He even helps people who do not believe in Him. May God take you into His hand and ease your suffering. God bless you all the days of your life.
Posted 12/5/2005 10:51 PM (GMT 0)

Your post could have been written by me, except for the Crohn's.  I know exactly how you feel.  I am so depressed, been on Effexor, Remeron, Clonipazim, for years, and so depressed I don't know what to do.  I have no one I can talk to and no one who understands depression.  I totally relate to the house, bathing, etc.  And the medical insurance.  I've always had insurance except when I need it most.  Also lost it through a divorce--which was the right choice, but I gave up many things in the divorce because I didn't have the will to fight. 

I am empty--nothing left inside me.  I used to feel pain, but maybe I'm numb to it now--and don't know what to do about it.   

I can't offer any solutions or wonderful words to soothe your soul, except to offer that there is someone who can relate to everything you say.  You're not alone.  This is how I've always felt--that I'm alone in this struggle.  

Suz

   

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