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Posted 12/6/2005 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
smurf  Hello darkness my old friend...I am giving away my age remembering that...

as my intro says, new to the forum, not depression. I am not expecting anyone to reply to my post, I am simply looking for a place to express myself. Being able to talk to others would be nice...but the choice isn't mine to make.

On with the show...

I am a Canadian, I am from one of the prairie provinces so yes right now we are buried under snow and subzero tempuratures.

I am also starting my working life over again after irreperably damaging my arms at my previous job; a certified Palliative care Aide. I cared for people who were dying.

Now, I am back in school working toward a medical secretary diploma, not easy being a single parent and someone who was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 6 years ago.

I have had problems with depression most of my life. Part of that stemming from an absolute horror story of a childhood which I won't bother getting into.

I never feel like I fit in. I just don't.

I am in a dark, cold, gloomy place. Surrounding me are stone tables and concrete...the trees are bare and the ground is bereft of all life. I am naked and cold, starving for love and acceptance.

On the other side of the street, where I am not permitted is the rest of the world. It is sunny and warm over there, the trees are in bloom, and the people are laughing and enjoying life.

I was ok for a while. I am doing ok for grades, about a B average, and I am learning everything I need to. But I cannot seem to make friends. I feel like no one in my classes really wants me there and like they are afraid of me. I feel like they would all be happier if I wasn't there.

There is a woman in our class who no one will talk to because she has lied and caused so much trouble, including cheating on tests that she has absolutely no one to talk to anymore. I feel like her. Not a friend in the class.

The one person I talk to and am "friends" with treats her the exact same way she treats me. She listens to what this woman has to say, she is polite and never reveals how she feels about her to her face, and she never shows her dislike for her in any way, what if she is doing the same thing with me?

I feel like she is humoring me as well, that she really doesn't like me and would be happier if I just went away.

This always happens. I feel like maybe this time will be different, I will get along and make friends, and then this...down in a pit so far and deep that the only thing that keeps me sane is my 14 year old daughter.

Am I crazy? Am I insane? This is not normal.

I am just getting so tired.

Of everything.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

Anyway, this is me...thanks for listening. smurf

Posted 12/6/2005 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to HW ..and you are not alone its cold on rhe other side of this wonderful country too no snow thou.
You will find alot of caring and wonderful people here who will always listen and try to help out when they can even if its a place to vent you are welcome to do that to ..have you seen a doc about the way you feel?Hope you feel better and remember there are people allways here ...we all care...
Posted 12/7/2005 12:37 PM (GMT 0)
Jinxed welcome to the HW family, You are not alone here, someone will be here to listen and offer any kind of support we can,

Sending you <<<HUGS>>>

You are not crazy and not insane, all of use here are or have been down the dark road so to speak,

so we know what you are going though. Have you talked with your dr about any of this? they have meds that can help with the Depression as I am currently on Cymbalta and before that I was on Lexapro.

There is help out there and there is light at the end of the tunnel (though that is sometime very hard to see in the "fog" of life)

Please keep us updated on how things are going

Remember you are not alone.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers

Jeremy

 

Posted 12/9/2005 4:41 AM (GMT 0)

First of all, sorry it took me so long to get back to you. We were handed our new project a couple of days ago. We have to design and print pamphlets that would be for patients as if we were working in a real clinic already

so far I have managed to design one for someone who might be getting a needle biopsy (breast biopsy)  we not only have to design these things, we have to write a letter creating letterhead, and inform the "patient" that this is what they need to do, this is where they need to go, how long the procedure will take, and if there is parking available and if they will need a friend or family to pick them up

oh yes, and we have to make a requisition form for the diagnostic procedures.

I also have to work on one for bone marrow extraction, and an amniocnetesis...women here will know what that is

so long way to get to this...I have been swamped

the depression is, if possible, worse, and I am having trouble convincing myself that this is all going to be worth it

I mean really, what if the next MS relapse is the one I do not recover from, the best I would be able to get employment wise would be a boring medical transcription job, you can transcribe from a wheelchair, I checked

I now also know that it is not my imagination, the people I thought I was getting along with are all slowly backing away and not talking to me anymore

the one person I thought was my friend doesn't call me anymore, and she is so distant

I give up

there is no point to trying to make friends anymore, after 36 years of being bluntly told by all manners possible I haven't learned completely that I am a freak and no one wants me around

I think the reason I wanted to be interned at a morgue is because at least the dead don't talk back or talk behind your back or make you feel like a freak...they're dead...

it's the living I cannot seem to get along with

and yes i know I should not feel this way

I need to shut up and get off the depression track

I need to be tough and just stow it

the only problem is that I am so deep in this pit that I cannot seem to find a way out

i have talked to a doctor, all they want to do is prescribe pills that will give me horrible side effects and make things worse

I need to be medication free, I have to monitor myself carefully because I want to be aware if the MS goes back into a relapse and not have symptoms masked

I'm also trying like hell to hide the fact that I am so depressede from my 14 year old daughter and my room mate

they have their own stuff to do, they don't need to listen to me

I hate feeling like this

I hate being me

sorry for being such a downer

J

Posted 12/9/2005 7:43 AM (GMT 0)
"There is a woman in our class who no one will talk to because she has lied and caused so much trouble, including cheating on tests that she has absolutely no one to talk to anymore. I feel like her. Not a friend in the class."

"The one person I talk to and am "friends" with treats her the exact same way she treats me. She listens to what this woman has to say, she is polite and never reveals how she feels about her to her face, and she never shows her dislike for her in any way, what if she is doing the same thing with me?"

"I feel like she is humoring me as well, that she really doesn't like me and would be happier if I just went away."

The person sounds to me like someone who had it very bad, got better, and really cares about people--all people. If that is the case, there is a sense of humoring people--but not like you mean. It's humoring by listening, taking mental notes, and caring--while keeping one's own borders. You probably sense the borders, and they make you nervous and untrusting of her. Try to go with the flow, relax, and enjoy her company.

bev
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