Depressed elderly mum, need help to help her

Hello all - I first posted here when mum was 84 - now she is 87. She lives in Windsor, UK. The whole family has suffered from depression in varying degrees and mum has double trouble now she is less mobile and becoming more and more needy, with short term memory failing. She lives alone and is managing with people coming in 2 or 3 times a week to shop and clean. I live an hour and a half away (if I am lucky and traffic is running) and although am trying to get her closer to me have not yet found a solution.

In the meantime, she is very low indeed, ringing me at least 3 times daily and asking me to come over just because she sees the day stretching ahead without stimulus. She has lots of visitors, more than most people ever see but it is me she wants. I go at least once a week but I have my own life and family.

She is taking 75mg sertraline (zoloft) daily and has been for 2 years, but it seems to make no difference. Her glass is not half empty, there is barely a drip in the bottom! Having the same set of genes, this makes me feel terrible too, but it's mum I am seeking your advice for. She loathes her own company, thinks she's lonely all the time and doesn't like to watch much TV or even read these days.

I have just re-read this and don't really know what I am asking you for ;-) but if anyone has any ideas or coping mechanisms that could help us both, please let me know! Thank you. gillian

Post Edited (gbrux) : 12/7/2016 7:06:35 AM (GMT-7)

Gillian--My mom turns 89 on Friday! We are lucky than many-my older brother and his wife live with Mom. Mom cannot afford managed care. SIL works in therapy--and she signed Mom up for adult daycare-every weekday. I do not know if that is an option where your mother lives. A bus picks her up in the AM, she does activities and get her hair and nails done, and the bus brings her home. She lives in a rural area--so we are very glad to have this facility nearby.

She has diabetes, memory issues, heart issues, and had a mastectomy 4 years ago. She is also depressed and incontinent. She won't watch TV anymore (she cannot follow the story), she reads her bible and daily lesson, and loves word games. She cheats a lot--but still works crosswords and crostics, etc. Other than that, she sleeps, watches the backyard and the birds. She cannot remember to take her medications--so has to be supervised with every meal. Recently, her oxygen levels have been dropping without reason.

There is no good answer for you--millions of people have this same worry.

Welcome To thE Forum

Does your mum like to read? What about audio books?
Happy, upbeat stories.

ARE there neighbors, or church members that you could call and ask to pop in for just 10 or 20 mins 1 day a week?

Can you call her doc and explain the depression and talk about med changes, tweeting amout and/or adding another med.

My mother in law is 86, wheel chair bound. Has a companion Mon-Fri 5hrs. 14.00 an hours. We check on her over the weekends.
Demands to be independent, but like your Mum. Wants visitors during the day.
Her social life is now busier than mine. A neighbor comes everyday for 10min.
Another calls once a week
Church man comes to give communion

If she is an animal person, a small dog,.could be a God send.

Best of luck. Keep posting. Let us know what happens

Peace
Trina

Wow gbrux....never knew there were so many in my same boat! I'm not the only one who has such awful guilt about not being everything my 88 year old mother would like me to be.
She too suffers from depression and maybe more so health anxiety.
She also lives alone and I am 1200 miles away! She has a good network of friends in various ages in her neighborhood and they all stop in every day- which quite frankly would drive me nuts. Yet it gives me peace of mind since I'm so far away. I call her daily and it's always a bunch of negativity even though she is blessed with a sharper mind than most people her age and also more mobile. Her glass has but a drop in it as well. She also prefers me to anyone else. It's not feasible for her to move here with me because of my husband - nor for us to move there for financial reasons and kids are all here and will soon be starting families and I feel oh so guilty for just wanting my life to be my own. I work a very stressful job and manage my husband's business at night.
She always has had an anxiety problem (it runs in the family and the severity seems to skip a generation-for instance her great grandmother took to her bed, her mother I never noticed it because she must have had good coping skills, my mom can be a mess, I have good coping skills and am also so busy I don't have much time to dwell, my daughter can tend to be a mess...
Mom takes Buspar and 2 xannax a day and complains of being so tired she goes to bed at 7 pm and gets up at 7. If I took that I probably wouldn't get out of bed at my young mid fifties age.

She to spends lots of time in prayer for a lot of people (that's a good thing)
Crossword puzzles- (I can't do them)
I sent her adult coloring books, she tired of them
Christian CD music- she can't understand a word they sing
Audio books- can't understand a word they speak

Taking all my adult kids and spouses there for Christmas this year. She has refused to travel even though I would have paid for the trip in over 15 years and they haven't had the money to make te trip there so I'm hoping to make some memorable memories