if you can help me with these questions....

briefly, my husband has been with severe depression and we have finally found a combination of medications that is giving us more hope. he's still very withdrawn and negative and has completely abandoned his responsibilities as a father and husband (prior to his illness, he was a very involved, thoughtful, generous, and good family man). I'm hanging on as I know that he will stop all medications if I leave (and his psychiatrist requested that I stay with my husband longer for the same reason). I don't know how much longer I can continue to help him because he treats me so awfully. we have tried therapy, but he was too ill for it and if anything, the therapy sessions made him worse (could be because the therapist was not good). his psychiatrist and I are waiting until he improves from severe depression to moderate depression before restarting CBT or IPT.

1) I have been trying to get his family involved in his care and have limited the number of family members I tell because he's ashamed of his illness. there is one family member who I want to share as I feel that she's the only one who is willing to be proactive to help him, but she also likes to gossip. she's the one person none of the other 3 family members want to reveal the information to. but none of those 3 family members are doing anything to help him except to tell me to suck it up for now. should I tell her if she's my only hope for real support (for him and for me)? if i can no longer handle the emotional abuse/neglect from my husband, she will be the person i need to tell so that she can take over for me.

2) is there anything any of his family member can say that will help him see how poorly he's treating his children and me? anything they can say to help him see how his anhedonia is destroying our family? he is seriously the worst husband and worst father I know among my close circle of friends/contacts. in a way, some of the things he's done more recently is downright mean.

3) if he ever gets well, is there any chance he'll regret and fully remember how poorly he treated me and the kids this past year? or do you think that it'll be too painful for him to think about his actions and chances are, he'll run away from the situation? I know separation is in our near future as he's been so terrible to me and I've done all I could on my own to help support him...it hurts to know that he will not recognize that he's destroyed this marriage and family.

4) was his severe depression even preventable (this is his first episode ever...it's almost two years long and he is 44 years old)? because if it was preventable, it makes me angry at myself as i can see how i had a role in his illness too.

please note before sending hurtful comments that I have tried my hardest to help him. I have not told him to snap out of it. I have tried to set boundaries with him to prevent this marriage from collapsing further. I have been the one to set appointments for his psychiatrist visits, taken him there, paid for his visits, and picked up his medications. I have given him plenty of space. I'm not trying to be insensitive to how terrible he feels, but I'm trying to find a source of comfort and sanity for myself by asking these questions. thanks.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 1/27/2017 11:23:08 PM (GMT-7)

thank you happy turtle...I wanted him to be hospitalized from the start but my husband would never be amendable to that and he does not meet criteria to be held against his will. believe me...I wanted ect and inpatient treatment for him as soon as I understood how ill he was/is

Hello. I hope your husbands doctor did a complete physical on your husband, including hormone levels.

As for your mental health, you may find reading Al-Anon literature helpful. The principles they teach families that are living with an alcoholic can be helpful for those living with a depressed person as well.

The 3 C's of Al-Anon

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.

The same can be said for depression. Explain to your children that he is sick and just as if he had a cold you would have them avoid contact, they must avoid him with this illness too. Just as feeling physically ill can make people cranky and irritable, so can mental illness. This explanation usually works with children of any age.

Keep coming, keep posting. We hear you.

one day this person might. but not at this point. that is clear.

I don't know that we have any answers for you,

it sounds like you have some answers for us.

he will get better in time, but he has to want it. some need to fit the floor before they get up, sounds like he is one of these. i admire your strength to help your husband, you have my respect there, and i feel that he will work himself out. he was being honest kids get the honest bit, even if they don't fully get it. i am very chaotic at the moment, remember yourself too, and some self compassion pls. i have nothing more to offer you than, to step back now.

This is tough. I don't have any answers, solutions, etc.

My best friend is dealing with depression. He isolates himself, gets angry when you disagree with him, etc.

Stay strong and patient, like I know you're doing.

Prayers.

theHTreturns- thanks for responding even though you're not feeling well at the moment. I was hoping to help him from hitting rock bottom, but I have already stepped back. I no longer initiate hugs, conversations, or anything with him. I minimize requests from him and the requests only pertain to the children. I am treating him as a stranger but that is who he is to me now. I hope you can find peace soon.

Karen-thank you so much for always responding! I gladly accept your hug. I try not to keep my hopes up anymore. I only want to transfer care to his family now and help him from a distance if he ever asks me.

CureUC123-depression is terrible. I hope your best friend does better than my husband.

Tim Tam-yes we have sought professional help. 2 different general physicians for all necessary studies (lab test and imaging studies) 1 month with a psychologolist who made his condition worse and 8 months with 2 different psychiatrists. unfortunately, he was not fully cooperative with the office visits and didn't put in his best effort. he was half hearted during the office visits and withheld a lot of information that would have been useful to getting the right medication combination. he has depression with psychosis (paranoia) so he couldn't bring himself to trust anyone. in california, the psych system isn't very good. it takes a lot to commit someone (which is what I would prefer for him so he can get proper treatment) and he refuses to check himself in for inpatient care or intensive outpatient care. he blames me for having to take meds and won't be held responsible for his own treatment. that's why I'm calling it quits. he's given me the silent treatment for ten months and I've been fully responsible for our two young children and his psych care while working full time. if he won't help me with at least his own illness then there's no reason for me to stay in this emotionally abusive relationship anymore. it's going to break my spirit eventually.

Thanks for the update.

It sounds quite difficult, but it looks like you are making the better choice of 2 rough problems.

You say, "my kids are 3 and 4 years old and still adore him."

Which makes it even more difficult.

When our child was 3, my marriage disappeared. I stayed because, our child was 3, as a bipolar I wasn't good with job, and had no money, and we were buying a house which I didn't want to see divided up into cash, which would soon be spent and leave nothing for us and nothing to be handed down to our child.

Also, I rem. saying to myself, "I haven't done anything wrong, why should I be the one who leaves?"

So, I stuck out a 36 year bad marriage, had the requisite chest pains for decades, had the child now at 40 still taking his mother's side in the debate, and sabatoging me since his mother died of a long illness 7 years ago.

I finally caught him trying to destroy me, yeah, just like his mom, about 3 months ago, and have cut ties with him at that point.

With the house not on the line, with enough money to make it on my own as a senior citizen, who says I don't have what it takes to finally stand up for myself?

I finally did it. I am...the man! Whoa, I thought I no longer had what it takes, that I had lost my gumption. I have not. It was just that with my wife, there was too much going against me,

It was batton down the hatches time with my wife. Also, I didn't want to leave my 3 year old child. I thought, I don't mind leaving her, but I don't want to leave my child and my house, and go to a, then, $500 a month apartment, which I can't afford.

I really had no choice. Also, I didn't like the idea of custody. Of, I get the kid on weekends, she gets the kids during the weak, he never has the same house, I have no one helping keep the kid when he comes over to my place.

On weekends, I could no longer just be with him while we play games in his room, or in the living room, or in the backyard, or we ride bikes in the neighborhood. No, he just has to come over to my place and sit.

Also, I liked the idea of my playing games with him in the living room, while his mom fixed lunch or made cookies in the kitchen. I just loved that.

So, I didn't do anything, I just it out. Plus, she was the breadwinner, 75% I'll say. I wanted to stay close to that. Plus, I didn't do anything wrong.

It wasn't ideal, that's true, but the other way was worse.

But since you can make a salary and have a choice, that's probably a lot different. You know what's going on over there.

You also say,

"they don't get it. they only know that they'd rather be with me than dad at all times."

That's also probably another reason I didn't want to leave, I didn't want our child taken away from his mother on weekends.

Are you going to be able to get any help if you leave?

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 4/8/2017 1:18:44 PM (GMT-6)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is hard. He probably makes you feel like the bad guy when you are not. You are only looking after your children at this point. Keep hanging in there, you are stronger than you think.

I hope you continue to come here for support. We are here for you.

I hope you have a good day today. Sunshine here, suppose to be warmer.

Take care Ilovepuppies...

Hugs, Karen...