Hey, I'm new.

I heard about this website in another forum and thought I would check it out. I used to have severe depression: always dwelling on little things, feeling like I never belonged, thought about killing myself 5 times a day, saw no purpose in life, and I made myself completely numb so that I couldn't hurt anymore.

Usually making myself emotionally numb meant hurting physically. I am also a cutter. It has all gotten much better since meeting my boyfriend but my insecurities still get the best of me. I still can not look at myself in the mirror. I still get the urge to cut a lot and still think about suicide. I went from cutting myself more than once a day down to once a month or so, thinking about suicide several times day down to once a week. I am getting better, but I feel like now everything is at a standstill. I still can't stand the thoughts in my head, the sound of my voice, the way I look. I am still completely disgusted and ashamed of myself.

I have never taken medication nor gone to see a psychiatrist/therapist. I feel my issues are my own and that is exactly how I should deal with them. At this point though.. I'm not sure what to think. I also find that once in a while I get this burst of sudden happiness, clarity and feeling of well-being and self appreciation. It lasts about a week or two and then suddenly the depression and cutting urges come back full force. I find the more this happens and the more I fight it off myself, the easier it is to handle the next time it happens.

I've tried to disconnect myself with those who drag me down but I've learned that this isn't always possible. I beat myself up over every mistake, when I cry it makes me feel like I am stupid, weak and immature. So I do everything I can to not let myself. After 10 years of this, I no longer knew how to cry. Even if I felt like I was going to, and I wanted to, nothing would happen. My boyfriend has helped me with that, and has made me become un-numbed from the world. I find myself wishing I could go back to feeling numb, so I could go back to not being able to get hurt. Sometimes I just want to feel nothing again, I want to be unable to cry again. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

My response may seem a little off the wall.  They are about insecurities.

My first husband had everything, looks, body, brains, health.  He earned a good living and was generally admired.  He had it all except a decent personality at home.  My first husband--with all his movie star looks--was without doubt one of the most insecure people I've ever known.  He covered it public and took it out on us at home. 

My second husband has none of those qualities, but he's a pleasant sort of fellow, who is well liked by friends and acquaintences.  He's also wonderful at home--helpful, kind in attitude, and words and acts.  My second husband is also insecure and has polished his wonderful personality to make up for what he feels he lacks.  

My insecurities go rampant, every so often.  Every friend I have lives with insecurities.  Even the counselor I went to was insecure sometimes--and maybe that was what made him a good counselor.  

I found myself wondering as I read, if "owning" your own problems is a manifistation of insecurities--at least in part.  Counseling would mean talking about them--maybe even putting yourself in someone else's hands.  That could be really hard.  By the same token, it's really hard to fix one's self, by one's self.

I agree with CheerDad, but for a slightly different reason.  You have come a long way, and that has gotten you to the point that you have a good relationship now.  It is all to easy to talk to someone you care for and trust about the problems--for instance to explain why you prefer not doing something.  That sort of thing leads slowly into asking or expecting help from your partner--and THAT gets the relationship in a mess.  

So my opinon is that if you want to keep on "owning" your problems, you need a crutch outside that relationship as a means of continuing the work you have done so far.

bev

 

Hey Oldtimer, I would say absolutely nothing really. I don't really know. It happens all the time, I have a friends where we share how we feel with eachother kinda thing. Usually I just say something like "I know what you mean."

Thanks Nanse. I don't solely depend on my boyfriend to help me, I've fought a lot and put myself through a lot of difficult decision to get this far as well. Such as, letting go of important people in my life that just drag me down with me, etc.

I'm terrified to ask somebody for help. I'm afraid of money issues. I'm also afraid of somebody finding out. My problems are my own, nobody else needs to know. I also refuse to take meds of any sort. I find them to be a temporary solution, and am under the impression that once you stop taking them everything - all the bad thoughts, urges, feelings and memories - would all come back full-force. That also terrifies me. I find I still hit rock bottom a lot, but each time I fight my way up it becomes easier and easier to deal with.

My parents are also a key trigger. I am 18 and for the past 10 years this whole thing that I've told you since my first post is what I've been dealing with. I was 8 when I first started thinking about suicide.

Keep in mind my parents do not know of my problems. So anyway, for teh past 10 years - and it continues to this day - if I am in my bedroom I am not allowed to have my door closed. I am also not allowed to be in my room for more than 1 hour at a time (nighttime is the exception for both rules). If I close my door, they threaten to remove it completely. Needless to say, we have our disagreements. They've told me once in my life that they are proud of me, and that was written, not said - at my graduation. We're not your typical family always hugging and saying "I love you" with meaning. Our "I love you" is automatic and almost robot-like, and we rarely even so much as look at eachother. When out shopping, etc, I always walk a few steps behind my parents. When confronted I rarely look them in the eye. They are very controlling emotionally and with words, and I have yet to ever stand up to them.

Anyway, enough for tonight. Hopefully I can just talk about some things here to get them out.

hey anything_animal...I just wanted to say that I understand what your going thru. I have a similar family situation and just seeing what your writing you remind me of me lol. Keep in touch...Hope to see you around.