HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really could use some advice

 

I posted this to another forun but thought it would probably help to post it here as well since depression is one of the bigger problems for me. Any advice is appreciated...

I had no idea where to start in this forum but I know I'm in bad need of support. You can read about some of my issues on my blog- www.justmelwithxanex.blogspot.com Well I guess I've give a brief history for those who don't want to read through my blog.

age 11- diagnosed with scleroderma (they thought it was morphea-one of the forms) It started on my left middle toe and literally ate away at my leg all the way up to my knee. It's now discolored and I have only about 1/3 of my muscle and bone left in it. Anyway I learned to deal with that.

@ age 16- woohoo remission (so they say at Stanford) I'm now off the prednisone, pennicillimean??? and other crap.

age 19- gave birth to my son- healthy and beautiful!

age 26- gave birth to my daughter, very hard pregnancy and delivery was LONG...Also had my first episode of an anxiety attack during delivery. At that time I had no idea what it was.

soon after I started thinking I was going nuts. I had panic episodes all the time. I finally told my doctor. She prescribed Zoloft and sent me to a therapist. It seemed to work okay but after a while I felt I no longer was even in touch with my emotions. So I weaned off of zoloft and for about 6 months was okay- then here it came again.

@ age 28- doc prescribed lexapro- worked like a charm! I felt almost normal again- with the exception of my "monthly female episode" PMS yuck!

age 31- March 29,2005- My life drastically changes. I was in a serious car accident. Hit from behind - I was at a stop and he was going at least 60. I saw it coming, it was horrible. Since then I've been battling so many things:

shoulder pain- now recovered
neck pain- now recovered
sciatica- still a problem
lower back pain- still a problem
and worse of all- LEG PAIN-IN MY LEFT LEG!!!

They say I have nerve damage and damage was done to my L3 & L4 (all things they can try and manage, however may end up chronic)

In the last few months I've been bounced around to so many docs. My leg wasn't getting any better and to top it all off- it was starting to discolor again. The Rhematologist runs all of the appropriate tests and sure enough guess what comes back??? My scleroderma is active again!!

My world is crumbling, my anxiety is in full force and now I'm trying to learn how to deal with the latest thing "depression"

The docs have tried to add effexor- BIG NIGHTMARE- then wean me off that and add Wellbutrin to my lexapro just to find out I'm allergic to the generic form of wellbutrin. In the meantime I feel like I'm on too many pills so about 6 weeks ago I weaned myself off my lexapro. I'm not sure if that was a mistake or not. I'm now on:

wellbutrin 300xl
gabapentin 1800mgs
folic acid 1mg everyday (except weds)
methotrexate every weds
hydro/apap- 10/325 4-6 per day as needed (Norco because of the effect regular vicoden has on liver and can't have that with the methotrexate)
soma- when needed
xanax- when needed

SOOOOOO- now comes to why I'm here. I HAVE ISSUES!!! I'm either crying or I'm so angry and I hate that both can affect my family. It's bad enough that they all have to deal with the side effects of my methotrexate (nauseousness, vomitting, headaches, fatigue, mouth sores, just to mention a few) but now they are having to deal with my depression and my anger. I'm snapping for no reason, I'm constantly irritable. My anxiety is horrible. It seems worse than it's ever been. Yesterday, I wondered what was wrong- I felt like I couldn't breathe right, like I couldn't swallow, disoriented & my lips were tingling. It was so bad.

Anyway, I don't know how to deal with this. I'm in pain and I have all of these mental issues. Where do I turn? What do I do? How can I deal with this? Is this just all the meds?

I've been feeling kinda disconnected from myself and like I'm losing my mind. I feel forgetful and like I can't really concentrate.

I have had a crohnic disease since I was 12. I thought I had learned to deal with it for the past 30+ years. While I had developed a way of existing with it, I still felt like a victim of the disease. If it were me in your situation, I would investigate going back on some anti-depression med, it can take a few different tries to get the one that works best for you, and look into therapy again. I know that it has helpled me learn to live with my life circumstances rather than exist.

lets see, I hear you guys with your depression and it is hard to handle and keep in control. Most of the time I can., but this month I have had another breakdown from it. First of all I am a victim of sexual abuse as a child, by my own parent. This went on for 4-5 yrs until I was old enough to say NO. Now I have chronic pain from my back. Sometimes those abuse feelings seem to come out every now and then especially when a MAN trys to move in on me or says something that offends me boy do they get the anger part thrown at them!
I have dealt with that part of my life although it seems to creep in every now and then. Now it is the Chronic Pain that I cannot accept. I wll never be the same again and I can't seem to beat this depression. I was angry the day before yesterday, yesterday sad, and now back to anger today. In fact my ISP is paying for it today Ha
I am switching to People pc for a test trial hope it works. Can anyone relate?

Reba

Thank you for your advice and support. The dr has started me back on lexapro as of 2 days ago. Unfortunently my scleroderma is contuning to spread so they are going to double my dose of methotrexate. I don't want to start whining again so I'll just leave it at that. :-(